Story tim with Swaye....
Comments
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89ute said:Swaye said:
So, filing this under the weird things I have learned in the last 24 hours...
Did you know breastfeeding is not as straightforward as you would think? I always assumed it was pretty much pull out titty and stick little human on it. Done. Not so fast. It appears sometimes the little cherubs don't latch right, or the nipple is unique and requires special techniques or some shit. Whatever the case, I was greeted this morning by a "Breastfeeding Consultant" who showed up to help CLS attain perfect latch. I am not making this up. There is actually a job where the sole purpose is to achieve better tit sucking. If Orkin doesn't work out I am pretty sure I have found my follow on career.
Wait until you get home and real life begins. It's a constant, frightening anxiety-filled existence you're about to enter. The first thought being why in the hell did the hospital allow us to take this thing home knowing we don't have a fucking clue on how to do this.
Sleep: don't even think about it for at least a year. You now have this live human thing in your house that has no concept or respect for what you have comfortably known as your routine. You know, wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch TV, go to sleep. That's gone now. This new human thing is on it's own, random schedule. Schedule is a bad word, it's chaos, disarray and disorderliness. Things like day, night, sleep and eat are all mixed around. It will be a good 8 months before you and CLS will watch a movie without multiple interruptions, some lasting hours long.
In about a month you will begin to take this new thing out with you to visit people, shop, eat dinner, things you used to do. Oh, and it will be many years before these things go back to how you used to do them. Just getting out of the house is nothing short of a doomsday prep. The days of just spontaneously hopping in the car to go do X or Y or X,Y and Z are gone. The prep alone will soon suck the life out of you. And when you do decide to brave the rugged outdoors, be prepared to change a diaper out of your element. That neat little changing station you have all set up in your house with everything right where you need it is not there at the Costco bathroom. It's fucking rough. Oh, there's always the car, that's rough too, but this is where you're going to be doing practically all of your away from home diaper changes. Prepare accordingly.
The first 12 years with your daughter will be some of if not thee best years of your life. Know this and enjoy this. What comes next sucks. Given your age, you might be dead when this hits. This would be the best outcome for you. The fun, loving, beautiful little daughter you have enjoyed for more than a decade will completely shut herself off to you and probably CLS too. You will be dead to her, except for when she wants to fight. You will first think it's just a phase and everything will be back to normal in a few days or god forbid, a few weeks. No, it's about 5 to 6 years. She'll come back to you a little bit after this is over, but it's nowhere near where it was during years 0-12. Those years are special, like I said, best ever. But she will act like she has forgotten all about them like they never happened.
You can hope for a different outcome. I have heard of these but I think they are like unicorns and undefeated seasons.
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FTFY DNC to keep it for reelz.dnc said:I couldn't possibly be happier for you dude!
Raising a daughter will emascualate the ever loving shit out of you and teach you the real meaning of "I will fight no moar forever."change your life in a million ways. Some of them even good!
In all seriousness, congratulations my guy, super super happy for you!
I've got three of them. I have a PhD in this shit. Girls are a lot of WORK! Trust me.
You got this, though, @Swaye . PM for pointers. I'll start charging after the first hundy, which you'll burn through quickly, so start saving $$ for Counsel Tim with Creepy.
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Or you could just get a nanny and a wet nurse.
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How does one go about getting one of these wet nurses?Doog_de_Jour said:Or you could just get a nanny and a wet nurse.
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I’ll check with my sources.PurpleBaze said:
How does one go about getting one of these wet nurses?Doog_de_Jour said:Or you could just get a nanny and a wet nurse.
In all seriousness I do know women do donate breast milk for mothers that cannot nurse.
Can’t get this kind of content on Doogman now, can ya?
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HCH is well known in the underworld of lactophilia.Doog_de_Jour said:
I’ll check with my sources.PurpleBaze said:
How does one go about getting one of these wet nurses?Doog_de_Jour said:Or you could just get a nanny and a wet nurse.
In all seriousness I do know women do donate breast milk for mothers that cannot nurse.
Can’t get this kind of content on Doogman now, can ya? -
How I found HCH89ute said:
HCH is well known in the underworld of lactophilia.Doog_de_Jour said:
I’ll check with my sources.PurpleBaze said:
How does one go about getting one of these wet nurses?Doog_de_Jour said:Or you could just get a nanny and a wet nurse.
In all seriousness I do know women do donate breast milk for mothers that cannot nurse.
Can’t get this kind of content on Doogman now, can ya? -
My wife couldn't nurse. She fought it for a month because Facebook makes mothers who can't nurse feel like the scum of the earth, but eventually she caved and we switched to the world's most expensive formula because my son's stomach is an asshole.
My advice is to stage an elaborate ruse. Hire actors to play newscasters, make sure she's watching "the news" when your anchors announce a permanent global internet outage. Just make sure the router is unplugged when she tests it, and disable all but voice and text on her phone. It'll be worth it in the long run: you do NOT want CLS exposed to Social Media Competitive Momming. -
I am a lactation consultant. PM me some nipple shots and I can give you a free consultation.
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Same. But I need full breasts.UW_Doog_Bot said:I am a lactation consultant. PM me some nipple shots and I can give you a free consultation.
