Got into what I can only assume was egg nog that had gone bad on Thursday. Drank about a gallon of it that morning. Shit seems to have a raw oyster type of effect on me and I am looking for victory coitus immediately. CLS isn’t due for over a week and so I assume I am cleared in hot to paint the hallway one last tim before hellspawn arrives. Redman 1, Uterus 0. But, turns out bad egg nog is like the gift that keeps on giving and by Thursday night my guts were bubbling like I was cooking up meth in my upper colon. In the predawn hours Friday I was issuing what can only be described as lava shaped rocks out of my asshole at high speed. Three ass ripping episodes before breakfast, which I smartly skipped and replaced with shots of Pepto.
I was supposed to leave CLS at the casa de Redman, as she is roughly the size of a water buffalo and yelling “get this thing out of me” with frequency, and head out to my folks house right as the Reign of Ass Terror was throttling up to plaid speed. Hour drive took two and I can dutifully report I befouled an Exxon, Shell and Sunoco on the trip. I am an equal opportunity gas station toilet vigilante. I was asked to never return to the Sunoco. Fuck them anyway.
Get to my folks house and the anal jihad continues. Thanks Baze. Haven’t been there three hours and my phone rings. “My water just broke.” What. The. Fuck. Full. Stop. Turns out my little red spirit warriors sped the entire process up. Curse my incredible libido and strong like bull swimmers. Decided I could make the hour plus drive if I left right after an ass napalm moment and went all Cannonball Run style to the hospital. Turns out that was a poor decision.
Middle of a forest on a State Highway with no toilets for miles it hits. No tim to even struggle with any kind of decision matrix. Wheel the Jeep over, bail and simultaneously squeeze my ass cheeks together while trying to make my legs function, rumble fall into a heavily treed ditch and barely get the sweats down before spoiling this scenic woodland beauty. I lost my composure at what I thought was a squirrel mocking me from a nearby tree. Pretty sure while yelling at the tree rat I got some spatter on me but since I was also sure I was probably dying I just didn’t care. Layed on the forest floor afterwards gently sobbing with what I think may have been parts of my actual asshole that had detached.
Finally collect myself enough to get back into the Jeep and continue the warp speed time trial to the hospital. I am getting rapid fire texts from everyone that I need to get there ASAP, meanwhile my asshole is bleeding and I have leaves and dirt caked in my hair. Text comes in saying that the contractions are coming in 15 minute intervals and dilation is at 4 cm. I have no idea what any of that even means but figure it’s important so I wished for a fleeting moment that I had paid attention during that child birth class she made me go to. Then I wonder if my butthole looks like her junk is about to look post birthing. That makes me giggle.
Get to the hospital and I’m not going to lie, I just kind of blacked out from fluid loss, nausea and confusion over what was happening. Plus she was yelling a lot so I just sort of zoned out because I had no idea what I supposed to be doing anyway. I do remember shitting myself again at least once, but other than that it’s sort of just a blur. Until the birth. And that is something seared into my brain that I will never forget. You have no idea what a little smashed alien head sticking out of your wife’s splittail looks like until you’ve seen it. The miracle of birth is mostly a disgusting mess.
All’s well that ends well and CLS and the baby are both resting comfortably while I type all of this shit to you losers. I need to close this out so I can wake her up to breastfeed while I flip on the LSU game. My work here is done. You fuckholes will be happy to know that the spirits have mocked me and given me a girl. Retribution for all my years of fuckery. But, she is healthy, albeit sort of odd looking, and I guess this is my due penance for the life I lived for so long.
I almost forgot. We named her FRANNY.