Story tim with Swaye....
Comments
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89ute said:Swaye said:
So, filing this under the weird things I have learned in the last 24 hours...
Did you know breastfeeding is not as straightforward as you would think? I always assumed it was pretty much pull out titty and stick little human on it. Done. Not so fast. It appears sometimes the little cherubs don't latch right, or the nipple is unique and requires special techniques or some shit. Whatever the case, I was greeted this morning by a "Breastfeeding Consultant" who showed up to help CLS attain perfect latch. I am not making this up. There is actually a job where the sole purpose is to achieve better tit sucking. If Orkin doesn't work out I am pretty sure I have found my follow on career.
Wait until you get home and real life begins. It's a constant, frightening anxiety-filled existence you're about to enter. The first thought being why in the hell did the hospital allow us to take this thing home knowing we don't have a fucking clue on how to do this.
Sleep: don't even think about it for at least a year. You now have this live human thing in your house that has no concept or respect for what you have comfortably known as your routine. You know, wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch TV, go to sleep. That's gone now. This new human thing is on it's own, random schedule. Schedule is a bad word, it's chaos, disarray and disorderliness. Things like day, night, sleep and eat are all mixed around. It will be a good 8 months before you and CLS will watch a movie without multiple interruptions, some lasting hours long.
In about a month you will begin to take this new thing out with you to visit people, shop, eat dinner, things you used to do. Oh, and it will be many years before these things go back to how you used to do them. Just getting out of the house is nothing short of a doomsday prep. The days of just spontaneously hopping in the car to go do X or Y or X,Y and Z are gone. The prep alone will soon suck the life out of you. And when you do decide to brave the rugged outdoors, be prepared to change a diaper out of your element. That neat little changing station you have all set up in your house with everything right where you need it is not there at the Costco bathroom. It's fucking rough. Oh, there's always the car, that's rough too, but this is where you're going to be doing practically all of your away from home diaper changes. Prepare accordingly.
The first 12 years with your daughter will be some of if not thee best years of your life. Know this and enjoy this. What comes next sucks. Given your age, you might be dead when this hits. This would be the best outcome for you. The fun, loving, beautiful little daughter you have enjoyed for more than a decade will completely shut herself off to you and probably CLS too. You will be dead to her, except for when she wants to fight. You will first think it's just a phase and everything will be back to normal in a few days or god forbid, a few weeks. No, it's about 5 to 6 years. She'll come back to you a little bit after this is over, but it's nowhere near where it was during years 0-12. Those years are special, like I said, best ever. But she will act like she has forgotten all about them like they never happened.
You can hope for a different outcome. I have heard of these but I think they are like unicorns and undefeated seasons.
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FTFY DNC to keep it for reelz.dnc said:I couldn't possibly be happier for you dude!
Raising a daughter will emascualate the ever loving shit out of you and teach you the real meaning of "I will fight no moar forever."change your life in a million ways. Some of them even good!
In all seriousness, congratulations my guy, super super happy for you!
I've got three of them. I have a PhD in this shit. Girls are a lot of WORK! Trust me.
You got this, though, @Swaye . PM for pointers. I'll start charging after the first hundy, which you'll burn through quickly, so start saving $$ for Counsel Tim with Creepy.
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Or you could just get a nanny and a wet nurse.
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How does one go about getting one of these wet nurses?Doog_de_Jour said:Or you could just get a nanny and a wet nurse.
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I’ll check with my sources.PurpleBaze said:
How does one go about getting one of these wet nurses?Doog_de_Jour said:Or you could just get a nanny and a wet nurse.
In all seriousness I do know women do donate breast milk for mothers that cannot nurse.
Can’t get this kind of content on Doogman now, can ya?
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HCH is well known in the underworld of lactophilia.Doog_de_Jour said:
I’ll check with my sources.PurpleBaze said:
How does one go about getting one of these wet nurses?Doog_de_Jour said:Or you could just get a nanny and a wet nurse.
In all seriousness I do know women do donate breast milk for mothers that cannot nurse.
Can’t get this kind of content on Doogman now, can ya? -
How I found HCH89ute said:
HCH is well known in the underworld of lactophilia.Doog_de_Jour said:
I’ll check with my sources.PurpleBaze said:
How does one go about getting one of these wet nurses?Doog_de_Jour said:Or you could just get a nanny and a wet nurse.
In all seriousness I do know women do donate breast milk for mothers that cannot nurse.
Can’t get this kind of content on Doogman now, can ya? -
My wife couldn't nurse. She fought it for a month because Facebook makes mothers who can't nurse feel like the scum of the earth, but eventually she caved and we switched to the world's most expensive formula because my son's stomach is an asshole.
My advice is to stage an elaborate ruse. Hire actors to play newscasters, make sure she's watching "the news" when your anchors announce a permanent global internet outage. Just make sure the router is unplugged when she tests it, and disable all but voice and text on her phone. It'll be worth it in the long run: you do NOT want CLS exposed to Social Media Competitive Momming. -
I am a lactation consultant. PM me some nipple shots and I can give you a free consultation.
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Same. But I need full breasts.UW_Doog_Bot said:I am a lactation consultant. PM me some nipple shots and I can give you a free consultation.
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Congrats @Swaye - a good benefit that hasn't been pointed out yet.
Any time in public with the little whipper after having consumed as much spicy 10 star chili as possible, make sure you are carrying the kid. If you rip of an SBD fart that would normally clear out a Bed Bath and Beyond you only need to turn to Mrs. Swaye and state that you think it is "time for this little cutie to be changed".
People who would normally be gagging will think how cute and considerate you are.
I never did that with my kids - not me - but heard other people say it -
So true. I’m appalled with how some mothers treat other mothers...you aren’t a “good mom” if you don’t breastfeed for x amount of time, or go back to work too soon, etc. Fuck those women.1to392831weretaken said:My wife couldn't nurse. She fought it for a month because Facebook makes mothers who can't nurse feel like the scum of the earth, but eventually she caved and we switched to the world's most expensive formula because my son's stomach is an asshole.
My advice is to stage an elaborate ruse. Hire actors to play newscasters, make sure she's watching "the news" when your anchors announce a permanent global internet outage. Just make sure the router is unplugged when she tests it, and disable all but voice and text on her phone. It'll be worth it in the long run: you do NOT want CLS exposed to Social Media Competitive Momming. -
I think it might just be me but I get excited with all the breast-feeding talk. Sure as hell beats talking about our? FB team
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Can’t help. The Throbber only knows how to get nurses wet.PurpleBaze said:
How does one go about getting one of these wet nurses?Doog_de_Jour said:Or you could just get a nanny and a wet nurse.
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Is this going to turn into the “give Swaye advice on raising girls” thread?
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Might not be a bad idea. We don’t want her to grow up and start poasting on some Husky football message board.whlinder said:Is this going to turn into the “give Swaye advice on raising girls” thread?
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Hmmm. Still probably better than poasting on Instagram/Snap Chat.Doog_de_Jour said:
Might not be a bad idea. We don’t want her to grow up and start poasting on some Husky football message board.whlinder said:Is this going to turn into the “give Swaye advice on raising girls” thread?
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not sure about that - Story Tim with Lil Swayette?Doog_de_Jour said:
Might not be a bad idea. We don’t want her to grow up and start poasting on some Husky football message board.whlinder said:Is this going to turn into the “give Swaye advice on raising girls” thread?
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How to be a Bad Bitch: the Hardcore Husky Method.whlinder said:Is this going to turn into the “give Swaye advice on raising girls” thread?
Forward by Don James -
How does Facebook make mother’s that can’t nurse feel like scum? It is possible to keep how you feed your baby private and not broadcast it to the world. Shocking, I know.1to392831weretaken said:My wife couldn't nurse. She fought it for a month because Facebook makes mothers who can't nurse feel like the scum of the earth, but eventually she caved and we switched to the world's most expensive formula because my son's stomach is an asshole.
My advice is to stage an elaborate ruse. Hire actors to play newscasters, make sure she's watching "the news" when your anchors announce a permanent global internet outage. Just make sure the router is unplugged when she tests it, and disable all but voice and text on her phone. It'll be worth it in the long run: you do NOT want CLS exposed to Social Media Competitive Momming. -
Fuck competitive mommying.1to392831weretaken said:My wife couldn't nurse. She fought it for a month because Facebook makes mothers who can't nurse feel like the scum of the earth, but eventually she caved and we switched to the world's most expensive formula because my son's stomach is an asshole.
My advice is to stage an elaborate ruse. Hire actors to play newscasters, make sure she's watching "the news" when your anchors announce a permanent global internet outage. Just make sure the router is unplugged when she tests it, and disable all but voice and text on her phone. It'll be worth it in the long run: you do NOT want CLS exposed to Social Media Competitive Momming.
All things being equal, tit milk is better, especially factoring in that it’s free. But Formula is fine. I was raised on basically the Folgers of formula (hi @MikeDamone ) in the late 70s and I turned out one strong ass galley slave. Maff was always hard so maybe with boob milk I’d be less pour. -
Your son has an asshole for a stomach? That must look odd.1to392831weretaken said:My wife couldn't nurse. She fought it for a month because Facebook makes mothers who can't nurse feel like the scum of the earth, but eventually she caved and we switched to the world's most expensive formula because my son's stomach is an asshole.
My advice is to stage an elaborate ruse. Hire actors to play newscasters, make sure she's watching "the news" when your anchors announce a permanent global internet outage. Just make sure the router is unplugged when she tests it, and disable all but voice and text on her phone. It'll be worth it in the long run: you do NOT want CLS exposed to Social Media Competitive Momming.
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Free Pub!YellowSnow said:
Fuck competitive mommying.1to392831weretaken said:My wife couldn't nurse. She fought it for a month because Facebook makes mothers who can't nurse feel like the scum of the earth, but eventually she caved and we switched to the world's most expensive formula because my son's stomach is an asshole.
My advice is to stage an elaborate ruse. Hire actors to play newscasters, make sure she's watching "the news" when your anchors announce a permanent global internet outage. Just make sure the router is unplugged when she tests it, and disable all but voice and text on her phone. It'll be worth it in the long run: you do NOT want CLS exposed to Social Media Competitive Momming.
All things being equal, tit milk is better, especially factoring in that it’s free. But Formula is fine. I was raised on basically the Folgers of formula (hi @MikeDamone ) in the late 70s and I turned out one strong ass galley slave. Maff was always hard so maybe with boob milk I’d be less pour. -
Eh. If your wife can't do breastfeeding, just add the cost of the formula into the dowry.
Problem solved -
Ah, the shit-goes-everywhere experience! Worse than a sick dog, and smellier too. Every kid does one or two in their first year.GrundleStiltzkin said:Also, the road side shitmaggedan prepares you, to a degree, for your first diaper blowout.
Have your spray bottle of enzymatic shit disintegrator at the ready.
Ask at your pharmacy. They'll know what you're talking about.
Oh, yeah: Congrats, if I haven't already said so. And sorry about your ass. -
Fun with Lactation, Ch. 1: New mom hears another baby crying close-by that sounds like her kid.
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The ladies are murder on one another, and they start young. Believe me.Doog_de_Jour said:
So true. I’m appalled with how some mothers treat other mothers...you aren’t a “good mom” if you don’t breastfeed for x amount of time, or go back to work too soon, etc. Fuck those women.1to392831weretaken said:My wife couldn't nurse. She fought it for a month because Facebook makes mothers who can't nurse feel like the scum of the earth, but eventually she caved and we switched to the world's most expensive formula because my son's stomach is an asshole.
My advice is to stage an elaborate ruse. Hire actors to play newscasters, make sure she's watching "the news" when your anchors announce a permanent global internet outage. Just make sure the router is unplugged when she tests it, and disable all but voice and text on her phone. It'll be worth it in the long run: you do NOT want CLS exposed to Social Media Competitive Momming.
You gotta be tuff to be a woman in our society. Your kind will play head games with you until you're all in your 90s and drinking your dinner through a straw.
Brutal gender. -
And California passed a law making it mandatory to have women on your company's Board of Directors? Shoot me.creepycoug said:
The ladies are murder on one another, and they start young. Believe me.Doog_de_Jour said:
So true. I’m appalled with how some mothers treat other mothers...you aren’t a “good mom” if you don’t breastfeed for x amount of time, or go back to work too soon, etc. Fuck those women.1to392831weretaken said:My wife couldn't nurse. She fought it for a month because Facebook makes mothers who can't nurse feel like the scum of the earth, but eventually she caved and we switched to the world's most expensive formula because my son's stomach is an asshole.
My advice is to stage an elaborate ruse. Hire actors to play newscasters, make sure she's watching "the news" when your anchors announce a permanent global internet outage. Just make sure the router is unplugged when she tests it, and disable all but voice and text on her phone. It'll be worth it in the long run: you do NOT want CLS exposed to Social Media Competitive Momming.
You gotta be tuff to be a woman in our society. Your kind will play head games with you until you're all in your 90s and drinking your dinner through a straw.
Brutal gender. -
#WeirdBonerThread
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Competitive mommy int is only a thing if you let it be a thing. Nobody has to partake in it. I could never be with a girl who made non stop posts about their mommying skills.YellowSnow said:
Fuck competitive mommying.1to392831weretaken said:My wife couldn't nurse. She fought it for a month because Facebook makes mothers who can't nurse feel like the scum of the earth, but eventually she caved and we switched to the world's most expensive formula because my son's stomach is an asshole.
My advice is to stage an elaborate ruse. Hire actors to play newscasters, make sure she's watching "the news" when your anchors announce a permanent global internet outage. Just make sure the router is unplugged when she tests it, and disable all but voice and text on her phone. It'll be worth it in the long run: you do NOT want CLS exposed to Social Media Competitive Momming.
All things being equal, tit milk is better, especially factoring in that it’s free. But Formula is fine. I was raised on basically the Folgers of formula (hi @MikeDamone ) in the late 70s and I turned out one strong ass galley slave. Maff was always hard so maybe with boob milk I’d be less pour.
I also hate it when mom’s write a note, gushing about their one year old child. The one year old isn’t on Facebook.
