So, filing this under the weird things I have learned in the last 24 hours...
Did you know breastfeeding is not as straightforward as you would think? I always assumed it was pretty much pull out titty and stick little human on it. Done. Not so fast. It appears sometimes the little cherubs don't latch right, or the nipple is unique and requires special techniques or some shit. Whatever the case, I was greeted this morning by a "Breastfeeding Consultant" who showed up to help CLS attain perfect latch. I am not making this up. There is actually a job where the sole purpose is to achieve better tit sucking. If Orkin doesn't work out I am pretty sure I have found my follow on career.
Make sure you have the docs give you the prescription tittay cream with roids. Most newborns will tear ‘em up in the first month.
She was already on those because I have been known to tear them up as well. @savagethenipples
So, filing this under the weird things I have learned in the last 24 hours...
Did you know breastfeeding is not as straightforward as you would think? I always assumed it was pretty much pull out titty and stick little human on it. Done. Not so fast. It appears sometimes the little cherubs don't latch right, or the nipple is unique and requires special techniques or some shit. Whatever the case, I was greeted this morning by a "Breastfeeding Consultant" who showed up to help CLS attain perfect latch. I am not making this up. There is actually a job where the sole purpose is to achieve better tit sucking. If Orkin doesn't work out I am pretty sure I have found my follow on career.
Make sure you have the docs give you the prescription tittay cream with roids. Most newborns will tear ‘em up in the first month.
She was already on those because I have been known to tear them up as well. @savagethenipples
In six months or so, when baby's trying to grab a sammich outta your hand, you'll both realize all you want is her food and she yours.
So, filing this under the weird things I have learned in the last 24 hours...
Did you know breastfeeding is not as straightforward as you would think? I always assumed it was pretty much pull out titty and stick little human on it. Done. Not so fast. It appears sometimes the little cherubs don't latch right, or the nipple is unique and requires special techniques or some shit. Whatever the case, I was greeted this morning by a "Breastfeeding Consultant" who showed up to help CLS attain perfect latch. I am not making this up. There is actually a job where the sole purpose is to achieve better tit sucking. If Orkin doesn't work out I am pretty sure I have found my follow on career.
Make sure you have the docs give you the prescription tittay cream with roids. Most newborns will tear ‘em up in the first month.
She was already on those because I have been known to tear them up as well. @savagethenipples
Christ.
Seriously roids are the miracle cure all. But beware the toddler roid rage. It’s scary shit.
So, filing this under the weird things I have learned in the last 24 hours...
Did you know breastfeeding is not as straightforward as you would think? I always assumed it was pretty much pull out titty and stick little human on it. Done. Not so fast. It appears sometimes the little cherubs don't latch right, or the nipple is unique and requires special techniques or some shit. Whatever the case, I was greeted this morning by a "Breastfeeding Consultant" who showed up to help CLS attain perfect latch. I am not making this up. There is actually a job where the sole purpose is to achieve better tit sucking. If Orkin doesn't work out I am pretty sure I have found my follow on career.
Down here they call them "Lactation Consultants" which is hilarious in it's owen way.
They are a big deal. Mrs. DNC swears by hers.
Sometimes I find it amazing that our species has survived for thousands of years
So, filing this under the weird things I have learned in the last 24 hours...
Did you know breastfeeding is not as straightforward as you would think? I always assumed it was pretty much pull out titty and stick little human on it. Done. Not so fast. It appears sometimes the little cherubs don't latch right, or the nipple is unique and requires special techniques or some shit. Whatever the case, I was greeted this morning by a "Breastfeeding Consultant" who showed up to help CLS attain perfect latch. I am not making this up. There is actually a job where the sole purpose is to achieve better tit sucking. If Orkin doesn't work out I am pretty sure I have found my follow on career.
Down here they call them "Lactation Consultants" which is hilarious in it's owen way.
They are a big deal. Mrs. DNC swears by hers.
Sometimes I find it amazing that our species has survived for thousands of years
We used to survive at much lower rates.
Ahh, the good old days
What’s old is new again. Just 11 more years to go.
For those wondering, my asshole has finally stopped belching hot fire. Pretty sure it will never be the same though. In an interesting corollary to my ass issues, little FRANNY torched off her first round and it can only be described as some weird tar like substance. I was pretty sure she was actually a demon spawn until the nurse told me that's normal for a little while. Damn. I was hoping I created a minion of otherwordly evil sent here to enslave the white race. Dreams die hard.
That shit (ba-dum) is a pain to wipe up. Pro tip - after cleaning her up put some Vaseline on the kid's butt area. Makes wiping the tar off much easier on the next go 'round. Wish the nurses would've told me that sooner.
So, filing this under the weird things I have learned in the last 24 hours...
Did you know breastfeeding is not as straightforward as you would think? I always assumed it was pretty much pull out titty and stick little human on it. Done. Not so fast. It appears sometimes the little cherubs don't latch right, or the nipple is unique and requires special techniques or some shit. Whatever the case, I was greeted this morning by a "Breastfeeding Consultant" who showed up to help CLS attain perfect latch. I am not making this up. There is actually a job where the sole purpose is to achieve better tit sucking. If Orkin doesn't work out I am pretty sure I have found my follow on career.
If we’re going to bash lactation consultants I’m fucking out!
Just wait until you enter the baby probiotics/wife elimination diet to figure out why little poopsie isn’t pooping just right and staying up all night as a result. Angry baby and angry mom and it’s all YOUR fault.
So, filing this under the weird things I have learned in the last 24 hours...
Did you know breastfeeding is not as straightforward as you would think? I always assumed it was pretty much pull out titty and stick little human on it. Done. Not so fast. It appears sometimes the little cherubs don't latch right, or the nipple is unique and requires special techniques or some shit. Whatever the case, I was greeted this morning by a "Breastfeeding Consultant" who showed up to help CLS attain perfect latch. I am not making this up. There is actually a job where the sole purpose is to achieve better tit sucking. If Orkin doesn't work out I am pretty sure I have found my follow on career.
Wait until you get home and real life begins. It's a constant, frightening anxiety-filled existence you're about to enter. The first thought being why in the hell did the hospital allow us to take this thing home knowing we don't have a fucking clue on how to do this.
Sleep: don't even think about it for at least a year. You now have this live human thing in your house that has no concept or respect for what you have comfortably known as your routine. You know, wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch TV, go to sleep. That's gone now. This new human thing is on it's own, random schedule. Schedule is a bad word, it's chaos, disarray and disorderliness. Things like day, night, sleep and eat are all mixed around. It will be a good 8 months before you and CLS will watch a movie without multiple interruptions, some lasting hours long.
In about a month you will begin to take this new thing out with you to visit people, shop, eat dinner, things you used to do. Oh, and it will be many years before these things go back to how you used to do them. Just getting out of the house is nothing short of a doomsday prep. The days of just spontaneously hopping in the car to go do X or Y or X,Y and Z are gone. The prep alone will soon suck the life out of you. And when you do decide to brave the rugged outdoors, be prepared to change a diaper out of your element. That neat little changing station you have all set up in your house with everything right where you need it is not there at the Costco bathroom. It's fucking rough. Oh, there's always the car, that's rough too, but this is where you're going to be doing practically all of your away from home diaper changes. Prepare accordingly.
The first 12 years with your daughter will be some of if not thee best years of your life. Know this and enjoy this. What comes next sucks. Given your age, you might be dead when this hits. This would be the best outcome for you. The fun, loving, beautiful little daughter you have enjoyed for more than a decade will completely shut herself off to you and probably CLS too. You will be dead to her, except for when she wants to fight. You will first think it's just a phase and everything will be back to normal in a few days or god forbid, a few weeks. No, it's about 5 to 6 years. She'll come back to you a little bit after this is over, but it's nowhere near where it was during years 0-12. Those years are special, like I said, best ever. But she will act like she has forgotten all about them like they never happened.
You can hope for a different outcome. I have heard of these but I think they are like unicorns and undefeated seasons.
I laffed again when I realized that my younger kid just moved out of the house, and you just had a minimum of 18 years of responsibility dropped in your lap.
So, filing this under the weird things I have learned in the last 24 hours...
Did you know breastfeeding is not as straightforward as you would think? I always assumed it was pretty much pull out titty and stick little human on it. Done. Not so fast. It appears sometimes the little cherubs don't latch right, or the nipple is unique and requires special techniques or some shit. Whatever the case, I was greeted this morning by a "Breastfeeding Consultant" who showed up to help CLS attain perfect latch. I am not making this up. There is actually a job where the sole purpose is to achieve better tit sucking. If Orkin doesn't work out I am pretty sure I have found my follow on career.
Wait until you get home and real life begins. It's a constant, frightening anxiety-filled existence you're about to enter. The first thought being why in the hell did the hospital allow us to take this thing home knowing we don't have a fucking clue on how to do this.
Sleep: don't even think about it for at least a year. You now have this live human thing in your house that has no concept or respect for what you have comfortably known as your routine. You know, wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch TV, go to sleep. That's gone now. This new human thing is on it's own, random schedule. Schedule is a bad word, it's chaos, disarray and disorderliness. Things like day, night, sleep and eat are all mixed around. It will be a good 8 months before you and CLS will watch a movie without multiple interruptions, some lasting hours long.
In about a month you will begin to take this new thing out with you to visit people, shop, eat dinner, things you used to do. Oh, and it will be many years before these things go back to how you used to do them. Just getting out of the house is nothing short of a doomsday prep. The days of just spontaneously hopping in the car to go do X or Y or X,Y and Z are gone. The prep alone will soon suck the life out of you. And when you do decide to brave the rugged outdoors, be prepared to change a diaper out of your element. That neat little changing station you have all set up in your house with everything right where you need it is not there at the Costco bathroom. It's fucking rough. Oh, there's always the car, that's rough too, but this is where you're going to be doing practically all of your away from home diaper changes. Prepare accordingly.
The first 12 years with your daughter will be some of if not thee best years of your life. Know this and enjoy this. What comes next sucks. Given your age, you might be dead when this hits. This would be the best outcome for you. The fun, loving, beautiful little daughter you have enjoyed for more than a decade will completely shut herself off to you and probably CLS too. You will be dead to her, except for when she wants to fight. You will first think it's just a phase and everything will be back to normal in a few days or god forbid, a few weeks. No, it's about 5 to 6 years. She'll come back to you a little bit after this is over, but it's nowhere near where it was during years 0-12. Those years are special, like I said, best ever. But she will act like she has forgotten all about them like they never happened.
You can hope for a different outcome. I have heard of these but I think they are like unicorns and undefeated seasons.
FUCK!
Now I’m depressed...I’d smoke some weed to chill my anxieties about my children hating my guts in the future, but then Mrs Fremont will rip my ass about being an irresponsible parent.
Maybe if I take a jazz gummy now it will mellow out around bedtime...
So, filing this under the weird things I have learned in the last 24 hours...
Did you know breastfeeding is not as straightforward as you would think? I always assumed it was pretty much pull out titty and stick little human on it. Done. Not so fast. It appears sometimes the little cherubs don't latch right, or the nipple is unique and requires special techniques or some shit. Whatever the case, I was greeted this morning by a "Breastfeeding Consultant" who showed up to help CLS attain perfect latch. I am not making this up. There is actually a job where the sole purpose is to achieve better tit sucking. If Orkin doesn't work out I am pretty sure I have found my follow on career.
Wait until you get home and real life begins. It's a constant, frightening anxiety-filled existence you're about to enter. The first thought being why in the hell did the hospital allow us to take this thing home knowing we don't have a fucking clue on how to do this.
Sleep: don't even think about it for at least a year. You now have this live human thing in your house that has no concept or respect for what you have comfortably known as your routine. You know, wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch TV, go to sleep. That's gone now. This new human thing is on it's own, random schedule. Schedule is a bad word, it's chaos, disarray and disorderliness. Things like day, night, sleep and eat are all mixed around. It will be a good 8 months before you and CLS will watch a movie without multiple interruptions, some lasting hours long.
In about a month you will begin to take this new thing out with you to visit people, shop, eat dinner, things you used to do. Oh, and it will be many years before these things go back to how you used to do them. Just getting out of the house is nothing short of a doomsday prep. The days of just spontaneously hopping in the car to go do X or Y or X,Y and Z are gone. The prep alone will soon suck the life out of you. And when you do decide to brave the rugged outdoors, be prepared to change a diaper out of your element. That neat little changing station you have all set up in your house with everything right where you need it is not there at the Costco bathroom. It's fucking rough. Oh, there's always the car, that's rough too, but this is where you're going to be doing practically all of your away from home diaper changes. Prepare accordingly.
The first 12 years with your daughter will be some of if not thee best years of your life. Know this and enjoy this. What comes next sucks. Given your age, you might be dead when this hits. This would be the best outcome for you. The fun, loving, beautiful little daughter you have enjoyed for more than a decade will completely shut herself off to you and probably CLS too. You will be dead to her, except for when she wants to fight. You will first think it's just a phase and everything will be back to normal in a few days or god forbid, a few weeks. No, it's about 5 to 6 years. She'll come back to you a little bit after this is over, but it's nowhere near where it was during years 0-12. Those years are special, like I said, best ever. But she will act like she has forgotten all about them like they never happened.
You can hope for a different outcome. I have heard of these but I think they are like unicorns and undefeated seasons.
FUCK!
Now I’m depressed...I’d smoke some weed to chill my anxieties about my children hating my guts in the future, but then Mrs Fremont will rip my ass about being an irresponsible parent.
Maybe if I take a jazz gummy now it will mellow out around bedtime...
Live in the moment and enjoy your kids. Things happen to kids as they grow that are beyond our control. I know you've seen this in many families. One kid will go astray while the others are "normal." Same parenting, same circumstances, same controlled environment.
Comments
Seriously roids are the miracle cure all. But beware the toddler roid rage. It’s scary shit.
I read this while finishing my weeklong vacation in the Caribbean. I’ll be sure to have a couple extra shots for you and your new spawn.
I’ll miss the good times we used to have!
Wait until you get home and real life begins. It's a constant, frightening anxiety-filled existence you're about to enter. The first thought being why in the hell did the hospital allow us to take this thing home knowing we don't have a fucking clue on how to do this.
Sleep: don't even think about it for at least a year. You now have this live human thing in your house that has no concept or respect for what you have comfortably known as your routine. You know, wake up, go to work, come home, eat, watch TV, go to sleep. That's gone now. This new human thing is on it's own, random schedule. Schedule is a bad word, it's chaos, disarray and disorderliness. Things like day, night, sleep and eat are all mixed around. It will be a good 8 months before you and CLS will watch a movie without multiple interruptions, some lasting hours long.
In about a month you will begin to take this new thing out with you to visit people, shop, eat dinner, things you used to do. Oh, and it will be many years before these things go back to how you used to do them. Just getting out of the house is nothing short of a doomsday prep. The days of just spontaneously hopping in the car to go do X or Y or X,Y and Z are gone. The prep alone will soon suck the life out of you. And when you do decide to brave the rugged outdoors, be prepared to change a diaper out of your element. That neat little changing station you have all set up in your house with everything right where you need it is not there at the Costco bathroom. It's fucking rough. Oh, there's always the car, that's rough too, but this is where you're going to be doing practically all of your away from home diaper changes. Prepare accordingly.
The first 12 years with your daughter will be some of if not thee best years of your life. Know this and enjoy this. What comes next sucks. Given your age, you might be dead when this hits. This would be the best outcome for you. The fun, loving, beautiful little daughter you have enjoyed for more than a decade will completely shut herself off to you and probably CLS too. You will be dead to her, except for when she wants to fight. You will first think it's just a phase and everything will be back to normal in a few days or god forbid, a few weeks. No, it's about 5 to 6 years. She'll come back to you a little bit after this is over, but it's nowhere near where it was during years 0-12. Those years are special, like I said, best ever. But she will act like she has forgotten all about them like they never happened.
You can hope for a different outcome. I have heard of these but I think they are like unicorns and undefeated seasons.
I laffed.
I laffed again when I realized that my younger kid just moved out of the house, and you just had a minimum of 18 years of responsibility dropped in your lap.
Congratulations!
Now I’m depressed...I’d smoke some weed to chill my anxieties about my children hating my guts in the future, but then Mrs Fremont will rip my ass about being an irresponsible parent.
Maybe if I take a jazz gummy now it will mellow out around bedtime...