...and it wasn't the good kind of handcuffed with a slut. It was the bad kind of handcuffed with a cop. He was sort of cute though?
Everyone was making noise about how I didn't vote in the circle jerk contest last night. Well, let me tell you why, and also amplify the message about how much I still hate white people.
CLS is pregnant, for those imbeciles among you who didn't know that. Welp, turns out pregnant women like ice cream and pickles and all kinds of weird shit. So, about 7PM last night she hits me up for an ice cream run to the local Carousel Ice Cream lard commerce establishment. I of course countered with "fine, but I am going to need a blowjob for this." She consented. VICTORY!
So, away we go to the land of creamy fat and delicious sprinkles.
Park, and notice a line of about 20+ fat assed rednecks already there. It's okay I figure, I am wearing a SIG P365 in the small of my back and am very adept at outmaneuvering fat Wal Mart shopper types. Saunter up to the line and claim our spot. Wait for the unwashed white devil horde of EBT card wielding trash to amble up and order their belt busters. Losers.
Finally we get to the front. CLS begins to order and the fat ass bitch who had been directly in front of us twirls (this is being generous) around quickly to cut CLS off and dive back toward the order window. Must have forgot to tell them three scoops I guess. Bitch. In her haste, and because she is as nimble as a hog, she runs all up into CLS. CLS, being quite pregnant and hating white trash almost as much as me, says "excuse you." I love saying "excuse you" to people, especially fat white ones. Anyway, the spandex beast cuts her eyes at her and then shoves her in the shoulder and starts screaming obscenities in our general direction about 6 inches from CLS's face.
My first thought is "I'm never getting that fucking blowjob now." Then my cat like Tonto reflexes spring into action.
At this point I figure it is time to quickly take stock of the situation - counter girls eyes are wide with fear, CLS is clenching her fists, spandex space cow is starting to froth, and the bovine's husband/boyfriend loser thing in the camouflage wife beater is trying to slow down the momentum of his fat to get turned around and DO SOMETHING.
I quickly shoulder in between CLS and Mad Cow and the fat redneck tries to grab my left arm as I assume he thinks I am assaulting Mad Cow but I am earnestly just trying to keep this mass of fat shit off my wife. I do not like it when people who do not have nice titties touch me. I also am trying to diffuse this because I am carrying a concealed weapon. Competing priorities suck. Mad Cow is still howling some form of white devil fat jowl gibberish as I wrench my arm away from her 250 pound lover boy. He loses his balance a touch and CLS is pushing against my back now yelling at Mad Cow. It's a lot to process.
He tries to reach up and grab my shirt and at this point I have had enough so I pop him in the throat. Just a quick little jab, and more to get him to step back and create some distance than anything else. Well, he moves backwards from the shock and surprise of getting throat punched and promptly falls off the wooden steps and spends what seems like the next 20 seconds careening into a pile of warbling redneck shit in the parking lot. I don't even think the punch hurt him that bad because I didn't catch him flush, but the 20 second fat guy fall onto the asphalt did. Shitbag landed with a big thud and a loud incoherent groan. Mad Cow was going absolutely bat shit and just mouthing stuff in guttural squawks by this point. All taken together it sounded like a wildebeast giving birth to a wolverine. CLS is saying something but over the adrenaline it just sounds like rushing water. Over all this den I can hear police sirens and some redneck in the crowd screaming "kick his ass." Real winners here in semi-rural Northern Virginia.
Fat ass on the dirt is strugglefucking around trying to stand up, or sit up, or just do something, and Mad Cow finally charges. I have the presence of mind to not hit something that once resembled a woman, so I just shoulder check her, hard. She goes spinning out rapidly and catches one of her large hips on a wooden post and turns a complete 180. At this point I can see the first cop car screaming down the road and all the fight had gone out of Mad Cow because I think she realized she was not nimble enough to do anything and the cops would see it anyway. Fat boy has almost gotten up by this point but his pants have torn the top button off and half his ass crack is showing. Though finally up, he is making no moves because I guess he figured though old I would still throw fists and by falling down like a sack of whale shit and then struggling to get up for a solid minute meant he had lost anyway. He was clutching his throat though. Another redman victory.
Cops are piling out of two cars and I just put my hands up. Cops came up and cuffed me immediately. I politely told them I had a gun on while CLS screamed bloody murder that the fatasses had started it all. They took my gun and escorted me directly to the cruiser. Fucking racist white pigs.
Took about half an hour of me sitting in the cruiser to sort it all out but the girls who work at Carousel said that the EBT mafia had started it, and shoved CLS first (helped that she is cute, lily white, wears expensive clothes, and pregnant whereas Mad Cow looked the menstruating end of a hippo). They also noted that fat boy laid hands on me first as well. So, they asked CLS and me if we wanted to press charges, we declined, and everyone got off with warnings.
That was my shit night. Victory over whitey, got my gun back, think I threw my back out redirecting that planet sized bitch away from me, and never got the goddamn blowjob which was the only reason I ever went in the first place.