Announcement for the Bored (I hate myself so I am getting married)
Comments
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FixedSwaye said:
The Great Spirit hates me. This is 100% my future. She will probably end up in the wam.PurpleJ said:
It would be peak irony if she turned into a tatted up slut someday.Swaye said:
Do not find out the sex for like 8 more weeks, but if God has any kind of a sense of humor it will be a girl. I'll reach out to @Doog_de_Jour to find out how to make her a DWAG fan for life. If she will just drop the restraining order. Wedding present maybe?backthepack said:Little Swaye better be a half-brain if you raised him wrong
Worry bout u Swaye! -
hahahahahhahahahahahaHillsboroDuck said:
FixedSwaye said:
The Great Spirit hates me. This is 100% my future. She will probably end up in the wam.PurpleJ said:
It would be peak irony if she turned into a tatted up slut someday.Swaye said:
Do not find out the sex for like 8 more weeks, but if God has any kind of a sense of humor it will be a girl. I'll reach out to @Doog_de_Jour to find out how to make her a DWAG fan for life. If she will just drop the restraining order. Wedding present maybe?backthepack said:Little Swaye better be a half-brain if you raised him wrong
Worry bout u Swaye! -
You think i'm not invited, but then out of the blue @BuffBuffPass and I arrive:
Unfortunately @Doog_de_Jour , @dnc , @SpiritHorse , and @Khaleesi show up shortly after:
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I could start a whole board on dumbshit not to say to your wife not because I don’t see what’s about to happen but because I’m with a 3 1/2 and don’t give a fuck.Swaye said:
I like your marriage and wife jokes because I am already dealing with this soul crushing reality. I just think you are an acquired taste and some of the retards are too dumb to get it.dirtysouwfdawg said:
I’m going to refrain from commenting on the pic and simply say congrats? On your conquest.Swaye said:Not sure where to put this, and I feel quite certain NOGAF, but, well, I am getting married one month from today. July 13th, a day that will live in infamy. A few of the people I sext with from the boreds already knew about this, and I thank them for keeping this quiet for so long. Good dudes on this here fan message bored.
Met her two years ago on a beach in Jamaica. Many will remember the posts I made on location at Seven Mile Beach.
The white temptress seduced me with her clapping ass cheeks, large trust fund, and tits the size of my head.
Things got pretty rough during the Bed Bath and Beyond and Fondue Party days, when she tried to reform me. I fought back with a stint in rehab and two separate bouts of sort of cheating - she thinks it was full on cheating, I think it was a sort of type deal. Agree to disagree I tell her.
Anyway, wedding has been planned for several months, which is why I never mention doing much of anything fun anymore and am basically just waiting to die now. @Pitchfork51 time for you to throw off the shackles of "off-brand" me and carry the torch for all drunk skirt chasing retards everywhere. My stories now will consist of how I am planning a new flowerbed or faggoty golf outings with well off white fucks. I hate my life.
But wait, it gets better! Found out two weeks ago she is pregnant. So, what was originally planned as a big country club wedding is now more of a shotgun affair.
Yep, that's right. My life isn't just over, it's dead and buried under 7 feet of hopelessness and broken dreams. So that's that. Almost made it 46 years without marriage and kids. Now I get them both in 6 months. If I could kill Karma with fire I would.
Ah well, fuck it. I was holding out for @dnc , but he died. Then I moved on to @Doog_de_Jour but she had me arrested. Three times.
So, this is where life ends up. Mowing grass every weekend, picking out china patterns and shopping for strollers. If I don't post for awhile it's probably because I've killed myself. Someone take good care of the Truck Stop and the Wigwam for me. I'm counting on you.
And finally I would like to say fare the well and I'm sorry to all the tits I never bounced off my face, and all the blow I never snorted, and all the hookers who won't make rent now. I saw @SpiritHorse a few days ago and he said he felt too sorry for me to shit on my head. So I don't even have that anymore. Orkin was nice enough to give me a week off for the honeymoon, so I've got that going for me. Question for the bored....is it cheating if the new wife is pregnant and you're on the honeymoon? What I mean is, when do the vows REALLY start, and does her fucking up and getting pregnant give me any extra days of technical sexual freedom? TIA
And @FirePete before you even think of talking shit be advised I have already IP traced you and will blow up that shithole you call a home.
I was then going to say at least you’re not having... oh wait.
Welcome to the soul sucking life that is a wife and kid(s).
As you are one of few who are slightly entertained my me, I believe you will find me to be more and more entertained as your soul is completely sucked from your body and you then stand where I stand.
At least yours is a 10 and so after kid she’ll still be higher than a 3 1/2.
And when times get tough, just thank allah that it could be worse, you could be dirtysouwfdawg with 4, yes 4, fucking kids and a 3 1/2.
FML - yours is going to be awesome!!
All jokes aside, congrats!
I knocked her up way back when. Wasn’t really with her as she would bribe me to visit her with money for my crack habit.
Actually tried to make it work and then separated. While separated couldn’t keep my dick dry and knocked her up. Let me rephrase that, she purposely got prego twice and I’m a dumb fuck.
Back together then hating life and just to seal the deal, twins are born.
Funniest or saddest part - not married. She owns me if we ever separated but nothing legalized other then grandfathered into common-law from a few yrs spent in AL.
CSB, I know is what you’re thinking.
I tell you all of this because you have an 81% likelihood for success rate, I’ll take the remaining 19%. -
Alright. Well, from one retard who's already hit that figurative eject button, here's my biggest tip:
Once that baby's out, keep CLS the fuck away from Facebook and social media in general. That shit is designed in a lab to turn new mothers into competitive, overemotional monsters. Freaking squirrels have babies (and more at a time than humans at that), and yet Facebook convinces every new mother that "the miracle of birth" endows them with mythical hero status. And your alien-looking wiggling skin pile of a baby is the cutest thing on the planet and DEFINITELY already a genius because it pointed at that one thing that one time when the books say that shouldn't happen for another two weeks, but fuck Alice and her shit ugly baby that's too stupid to roll over yet. -
This is highly accurate. Also the driver of a ton of unneccessary expenses. Like I said before I lucked out and married a minimalist but if CLS isn’t one, keep her off social media and especially Pinterest.1to392831weretaken said:Alright. Well, from one retard who's already hit that figurative eject button, here's my biggest tip:
Once that baby's out, keep CLS the fuck away from Facebook and social media in general. That shit is designed in a lab to turn new mothers into competitive, overemotional monsters. Freaking squirrels have babies (and more at a time than humans at that), and yet Facebook convinces every new mother that "the miracle of birth" endows them with mythical hero status. And your alien-looking wiggling skin pile of a baby is the cutest thing on the planet and DEFINITELY already a genius because it pointed at that one thing that one time when the books say that shouldn't happen for another two weeks, but fuck Alice and her shit ugly baby that's too stupid to roll over yet. -
This is the best shit I have read in weeks. Will be showing to CLS tonight as part of her pre-marriage training package.1to392831weretaken said:Alright. Well, from one retard who's already hit that figurative eject button, here's my biggest tip:
Once that baby's out, keep CLS the fuck away from Facebook and social media in general. That shit is designed in a lab to turn new mothers into competitive, overemotional monsters. Freaking squirrels have babies (and more at a time than humans at that), and yet Facebook convinces every new mother that "the miracle of birth" endows them with mythical hero status. And your alien-looking wiggling skin pile of a baby is the cutest thing on the planet and DEFINITELY already a genius because it pointed at that one thing that one time when the books say that shouldn't happen for another two weeks, but fuck Alice and her shit ugly baby that's too stupid to roll over yet. -
Is it glady that does the awesome surveys around here? Once you know if it’s a boy or girl, you should let us degenerates vote on a name that YOU HAVE TO throw into the mix. Child would go down in HH lure being named by all of us fuck sticks.
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I call it "competitive momming." Live in Yuppyville like me, and it's even worse. You're made to feel guilty for not putting your kids in expensive private schools or after-school programs, not getting them the best things, not sacrificing as much as the other mom. I'm so sick of watching my friends' wives climb up on their crosses and then complain about it.dnc said:
This is highly accurate. Also the driver of a ton of unneccessary expenses. Like I said before I lucked out and married a minimalist but if CLS isn’t one, keep her off social media and especially Pinterest.1to392831weretaken said:Alright. Well, from one retard who's already hit that figurative eject button, here's my biggest tip:
Once that baby's out, keep CLS the fuck away from Facebook and social media in general. That shit is designed in a lab to turn new mothers into competitive, overemotional monsters. Freaking squirrels have babies (and more at a time than humans at that), and yet Facebook convinces every new mother that "the miracle of birth" endows them with mythical hero status. And your alien-looking wiggling skin pile of a baby is the cutest thing on the planet and DEFINITELY already a genius because it pointed at that one thing that one time when the books say that shouldn't happen for another two weeks, but fuck Alice and her shit ugly baby that's too stupid to roll over yet. -
So in other words, you'll be hiding the Hardcore Husky part of your identity from your wife? I've seen a lot of romantic comedies, so I know how this is gonna play out.Swaye said:Already been PMed and NO, none of you are invited to the wedding. Jesus. As if shit wasn't bad enough, imagine my new in-laws joy at getting to meet @CuntWaffle , @PurpleThrobber and @Rapeculturedawg .
