I like to think of Joey Thomas with like giant eagles wings and singin’ lead vocals for lynard skynard with like an angel band and I’m in the front row and I’m hammered drunk
One night an antifa mob showed up at my house threatening to break in. Just when I thought it was over for my family, Joey Thomas appeared and spoke to the mob. They ended up cleaning my gutters. Thank you, Coach Thomas.
To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Joey Thomas. His play calling is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the plays he runs will go over a typical viewer's head. There's also Joey's nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his personality- his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The coaches at the highest classification in the state understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these play calls, to realize that they're not just big yardage gainers- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Joey Thomas truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the intellectualism in Joey's existential catchphrase "Stop buying your kids everything you never had, and start teaching them everything you never knew," which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev's Russian epic Fathers and Sons. I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Joey Thomas' genius wit unfolds itself on their computer screens. What fools.. how I pity them. 😂
And yes, by the way, i DO have a Joey Thomas tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It's for the ladies' eyes only- and even then they have to demonstrate that they're within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand. Nothin personnel kid 😎
To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Joey Thomas. His play calling is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the plays he runs will go over a typical viewer's head. There's also Joey's nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his personality- his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The coaches at the highest classification in the state understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these play calls, to realize that they're not just big yardage gainers- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Joey Thomas truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the intellectualism in Joey's existential catchphrase "Stop buying your kids everything you never had, and start teaching them everything you never knew," which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev's Russian epic Fathers and Sons. I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Joey Thomas' genius wit unfolds itself on their computer screens. What fools.. how I pity them. 😂
And yes, by the way, i DO have a Joey Thomas tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It's for the ladies' eyes only- and even then they have to demonstrate that they're within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand. Nothin personnel kid 😎
So you're hiring these "ladies" to look upon your tattoo?
Did I ever tell you about the time I went horseback riding with Joey Thomas, but there weren’t any horses around? Well, Joey throws a saddle on my back and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well, wouldn’t you know it, my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Joey decides to enter me in the Breeders’ Cup, right, under the name Turkish Delight. And I’m running in second place, and I’m running and I break my ankle! They’re about to shoot me. Then someone from the crowd yells out, God bless him, ‘Don’t shoot him, he’s a human.'
Did I ever tell you about the time I went horseback riding with Joey Thomas, but there weren’t any horses around? Well, Joey throws a saddle on my back and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well, wouldn’t you know it, my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Joey decides to enter me in the Breeders’ Cup, right, under the name Turkish Delight. And I’m running in second place, and I’m running and I break my ankle! They’re about to shoot me. Then someone from the crowd yells out, God bless him, ‘Don’t shoot him, he’s a human.'
Instead of splashing down in the Hudson River, Captain Joey Thomas safely navigates the A320 back to LaGuardia, saving both the passengers and the airplane. The kind of guy everyone should trust their life to.
Comments
He did all the makeup on the Planet of the Apes movies.
They use Joey's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium.
If you drop a phonograph needle on Joey's nipple, it plays The Beach Boys ‘Pet Sounds'.
He breast feeds John Madden.
His poop is considered currency in Argentina.
His family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.
And yes, by the way, i DO have a Joey Thomas tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It's for the ladies' eyes only- and even then they have to demonstrate that they're within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand. Nothin personnel kid 😎
Where does one apply for such a gig?
Axing for a fren.