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Transcript of conversation today with my dad when he called from the post office
DerekJohnson
Administrator, Swaye's Wigwam Posts: 63,510 
in Classics
(My dad is a retired CPA who does my taxes and bookkeeping. He checks the Hardcore Husky PO Box a couple times a week.)
Stalin: Hello?
Dad: Hello son, this is your father.
Stalin: Hello papa.
Dad: I'm calling from the Port Orchard post office.
Stalin: Okay? What's up?
Dad: Were you expecting some strange sort of package at the PO box?
Stalin: Uhhh, not offhand. Why?
Dad: You received a very strange package. It's quite heavy. It's addressed to you.
Stalin: I have no idea what that might be.
Dad: The handwriting on the box is hard to read. But it appears to be from someone in Wisconsin. Do you know anyone in Wisconsin?
Stalin: Oh no. I don't know anyone in Wisconsin that I know of. This could be anything. Is the box ticking?
Dad: The box is not ticking.
Stalin: Well this is weird.
Dad: I'll save it for you for when we next have lunch.
Stalin: As long as its not ticking, go ahead and open it. Wait, isn't there a name?
Dad: Well let's see. It is from someone named Owen Twelve? The return address says 7 and 6 Sarkisian Lane. The city is Gilbyham, Wisconsin?
Stalin: LOL... Okay, these are all inside jokes, so it is definitely intended for me. So I don't have any idea what this is.
Dad: The box is quite heavy. They paid $20 in postage to mail it.
Stalin: Well go ahead and open it.
Dad: ... This is taking some time to open.
Stalin: I hear you.
Dad: Okay... Inside the box is a large bag of coffee grounds. That's all there is. There is no note.
Stalin: What the hell? Is there anything inside the coffee grounds?
Dad: That will take me a minute to get into. Hang on.
Stalin: What the hell is going on here? There's no note. What idiot from Hardcore Husky would send me this?
Dad: You have no idea?
Stalin: There are lots of idiots on Hardcore Husky, dad.
Dad: I see. The box has a tracking number.
Stalin: Please read it off to me.
Dad: (Gives tracking number)
Stalin: {looks it up online}. Okay, this came from [redacted], California. Hmmm.
Dad: I'm still trying to get into the bag.
Stalin: Who would .... Oh, okay! I think I might know who this is.
Dad: You do?
Stalin: We have a retard Cal Bear fan who was threatening to donate with lots of spare change. That would make sense.
Dad: Still trying to get into the package without spilling coffee grounds everywhere.
Stalin: Roger that.
Dad: This is quite heavy.
Stalin: Hmmm, okay.
Dad: Okay, here we go.... Let's see here...
Stalin: What is it?
Dad: Yes, there are dimes. My goodness. Hundreds and hundreds of dimes.
Stalin: LOL... That fucker!
Dad: I will deposit these into the account and then let you know the total.
Stalin: Hello?
Dad: Hello son, this is your father.
Stalin: Hello papa.
Dad: I'm calling from the Port Orchard post office.
Stalin: Okay? What's up?
Dad: Were you expecting some strange sort of package at the PO box?
Stalin: Uhhh, not offhand. Why?
Dad: You received a very strange package. It's quite heavy. It's addressed to you.
Stalin: I have no idea what that might be.
Dad: The handwriting on the box is hard to read. But it appears to be from someone in Wisconsin. Do you know anyone in Wisconsin?
Stalin: Oh no. I don't know anyone in Wisconsin that I know of. This could be anything. Is the box ticking?
Dad: The box is not ticking.
Stalin: Well this is weird.
Dad: I'll save it for you for when we next have lunch.
Stalin: As long as its not ticking, go ahead and open it. Wait, isn't there a name?
Dad: Well let's see. It is from someone named Owen Twelve? The return address says 7 and 6 Sarkisian Lane. The city is Gilbyham, Wisconsin?
Stalin: LOL... Okay, these are all inside jokes, so it is definitely intended for me. So I don't have any idea what this is.
Dad: The box is quite heavy. They paid $20 in postage to mail it.
Stalin: Well go ahead and open it.
Dad: ... This is taking some time to open.
Stalin: I hear you.
Dad: Okay... Inside the box is a large bag of coffee grounds. That's all there is. There is no note.
Stalin: What the hell? Is there anything inside the coffee grounds?
Dad: That will take me a minute to get into. Hang on.
Stalin: What the hell is going on here? There's no note. What idiot from Hardcore Husky would send me this?
Dad: You have no idea?
Stalin: There are lots of idiots on Hardcore Husky, dad.
Dad: I see. The box has a tracking number.
Stalin: Please read it off to me.
Dad: (Gives tracking number)
Stalin: {looks it up online}. Okay, this came from [redacted], California. Hmmm.
Dad: I'm still trying to get into the bag.
Stalin: Who would .... Oh, okay! I think I might know who this is.
Dad: You do?
Stalin: We have a retard Cal Bear fan who was threatening to donate with lots of spare change. That would make sense.
Dad: Still trying to get into the package without spilling coffee grounds everywhere.
Stalin: Roger that.
Dad: This is quite heavy.
Stalin: Hmmm, okay.
Dad: Okay, here we go.... Let's see here...
Stalin: What is it?
Dad: Yes, there are dimes. My goodness. Hundreds and hundreds of dimes.
Stalin: LOL... That fucker!
Dad: I will deposit these into the account and then let you know the total.
Comments
So, um, I need to update the donation boner, so how many dimes are there?
Either that or he's going to be up all night counting.
It was addressed to Derek "Stalin" Johnson, in cyrilic.
There are 1,298 dimes and one penny. And one 9mm Winchester spent shell casing with an extra i stamped/scratched into it.
The girls at the local UPS store had a blast helping me load the coffee grounds and then wrapping the hell out of the package. They made sure to cover as much as possible of the box with "Fragile" and "Priority Mail" stickers.
If I put this much thought into real-life shit, I could probably get a job
This may be one of the few times I would guess that bearswiins girls weren't anything special