Missing in Action - The Untold Story

Last Saturday night was a night for revelry. There are some white idiots about 8 trailers down from me that I really hate. The white trash loser who lives there despises me because I fucked his live in hippie fuck bunny slut about two years ago while he was out mud bogging or some retarded white person shit. So she throws it in his face during their next daily argument cycle that I knocked the back out of it in a way he can’t and he felt compelled to come to my shithole and make tough. After I knocked him off my front porch into the dirt I call a yard I ended up dragging him out of my dirt yard thingy by his head and dumping him in the street where he rolled around making strange noises until the girl I nailed helped him up and drug his loser ass home. That was probably a run-on sentence but fuck off English isn’t even my first language. So they hate me. Well he does, the chick still makes fuck me eyes when I drive past. Anyway, their trailer caught on fire in the middle of the day and burnt to the ground on Saturday afternoon. I heard one of the firefighters say it was because of improper storage of illegal fireworks. Heh. Victory!



So I figured this was a sign I needed to celebrate. Meet up with some people I know that night at a bar in Winchester. One of them has heard about a huge bash going on at someones ranch in the middle of nowhere just on the West Virginia/Virginia line. Supposed to be firearms, Jeeps, fires and booze. All this party is missing is me. Head out in a convoy and start blaring “Come and Get Your Love” (thanks for the reminder @Dennis_DeYoung ) on the radio. This is because I am sure the spirits are with me and I am going to get laid this night. I’m fucking clever. I know.



Get to the party. Probably 50 people there. Maybe more. I’m already buzzed, so who knows. See a cute blonde and start my standard mating ritual of gentle pelvic thrusts while winking at her. I’m subtle. Turns out this is the 16 year old daughter (she looked 20 I swear officer) of the dude hosting the party. He evidently is not a fan of the pelvic arts. Guy is probably late 40’s, a little stout, and clearly not ready for a fight, but he needs to defend his daughters virtue (she has probably been fucked about 50 times this year already judging by her smeared on makeup and come hither fuck me eyes) so he barrels over to me anyway. Moron. He starts yelling and trying to look tough, and I am thinking all right, this dude is a bit out of shape and all talk but if I kick the shit out of him there is no way I will fuck that nice piece of ass that inexplicably sprang from his loins so how can I diffuse this? Too late. My buddy sees this developing and thinks this will be the perfect time to test out his recently discovered beer bottle ninja skills and promptly smashes a bottle right in this guys temple. Moron goes down like a turd falling out of a tall moose. Hard, fast and loud. Like sex with Jake Haener’s Mom (more on this later).



All hell breaks loose. Total melee. Felt like I was in a movie scene. People kicking, biting, punching, puking. Pretty sure I saw some shit kicker spanking his girlfriend during the action. Fucking cool. Anyway, turns out right when we showed up someone called the local cops (who they know) because they didn’t know us and thought we looked rapey or some shit. So just as Thunder Dome 2017 is really getting going sirens are blaring and the police are bouncing over the cattle guards and into position. I had kneed some guy in the face and was injured so I couldn’t run. Goddamn wounded knee.



So when I am spread eagle on the car they discover the large baggy of cocaine strategically placed in my front pocket to not only bring the party later but also make my mating thrusts that much more captivating and hypnotic. I call it hypnotic induced mandingoism, or HIM for short. My charges are possession, indecent acts toward a minor, battery and mayhem. Bad ass. I had always wanted mayhem and now I have it. Judge isn’t in until Tuesday with the holiday and even then there is backlog so I don’t get sprung until last night. Jail was pretty good though. I got a new tattoo and made friends with Jesus - the Messican not the Son of God dumbass. Public defender tells the judge I am some sort of war hero (he thanked me for my service), and the judge asks “what the hell happened to you.” I responded “cocaine is a helluva drug.” Not kidding. One of my life's highlights moments was delivering that line. I have a shitty life. To wrap up it appears I will either be going to rehab soon or doing 90 days in jail. FML. The only bright spot is I probably lost my job and I hear you can meet hot chicks who are open to suggestion in rehab.