UW Couch Sales & Purchases (Portal Tracker)

All right, buckle up, because apparently some of you still think the transfer portal is just a cute little app where players politely announce their intentions. Wrong. It’s a gladiator arena where dreams are crushed, NIL bags are delivered in armored trucks, and coaches refresh Twitter like it’s the stock market in 1929.

Let me break it down for you, because clearly, you need me. I’ve got sources, and by sources, I mean my cousin’s barber who once cut the hair of a guy who sat next to Jedd Fisch on a flight to Phoenix. So yeah, basically insider.

Everyone’s losing their minds over Adam Mohammed hitting the portal. “Oh no, what will we do without his 523 yards?” First of all, my sources tell me Mohammed was secretly running a 4.18 forty in practice. That’s faster than Tyreek Hill on a hoverboard. But guess what? Fisch already has THREE SEC backs lined up who average 9.7 yards per carry each. Combined, that’s like 29 yards per carry. Do the math, peasants.

People are acting like Raiden leaving is the end of civilization. He had 24 catches for 238 yards. Cute. My sources say Fisch is bringing in a WR from Georgia who caught 1,200 passes in practice alone last season. His hands are insured for $10 million. He doesn’t even wear gloves. He wears confidence.

Yes, Paki Finau and Maximus McCree are gone. And yes, their names sound like they should be leading a Viking raid. But Fisch is already in talks with a JUCO lineman who benches 1,000 pounds raw and eats defensive tackles for breakfast, literally. His nickname? “The Pancake Factory.” My source says he once blocked an entire defensive line by himself while reciting Shakespeare.

Here’s what you don’t understand: the portal isn’t chaos. it’s art. Fisch is Picasso with a headset. While your crying over depth charts, he’s assembling a roster that will make Nick Saban wake up in a cold sweat. My insider tells me Fisch has a secret NIL deal with Amazon Prime … every transfer gets free two-day shipping on their ego.

Mark my words: UW will have 47 five-stars by spring. How? Because Fisch is playing 5D chess while the rest of you are still trying to figure out how to castle in checkers. The 2026 roster will average 6’8”, 320 pounds, and run a 4.2 forty. The punter? He’s from Australia and can kick a ball into orbit. NASA is already involved.

So next time you see “BREAKING: Husky Player Enters Portal,” don’t panic. Just remember: Fisch doesn’t rebuild, he reloads. And if you doubt me, well, you’re probably the same person who thought Jimmy Lake was a good hire. Sit down, take notes, and thank me later.