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This site needs a humor board
HairyBallsDawg
Member Posts: 1,004
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Comments
Obama goes to Moscow on a state visit and meets with Putin.
They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.
Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.
Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.
Obama: I don't believe you. I bet if we take your limo out for a spin I'll see some drunks staggering around.
Putin: Okay, let me prove you wrong. We'll drive around and if you see a single drunk you can shoot them with my own gun.
Putin let's the FSB know what they're doing, and tells them to do a sweep and round up every single drunk on their route. He says if Obama sees a single drunk everyone will get sent to Siberia.
Obama and Putin drive around for 10 minutes, and the streets are empty. Not a single person is out, let alone a drunk. Obama is about to accept defeat when a visibly drunk man staggers out of an apartment building, singing a Russian folk song.
Obama leans out the window and shoots him.
Obama: See Vlad, I saw one person and he was drunk! All Russians are drunks!
Six months later Putin travels to Washington DC and he and Obama are having the same argument about morals and society. Putin suggests they do the same thing they did in Moscow, and he will shoot any drunks that he sees on Washington's streets. Obama lets the Secret Service know to go ahead and make sure there are no drunks anywhere on their route.
The two presidents drive around for 10 minutes, without seeing anyone. Just as they're turning around a huge group of drunks stumbles out of a bar. Putin gets excited, leans out the window and mows them all down. He teases Obama for the rest of the night.
Putin: Barack, you said Russians were worse drunks than Americans. I just killed 20 of them, looks like Russia wins again! Putin triumphantly goes to sleep that night.
The next morning Vladimir Putin picks up the newspaper and sees the headline: 20 Russian Embassy Workers Slain In Drive-By Shooting.
Hide his food stamps under his work boots.
John goes down to the strip looking for a whore to give him a hand job. Pulls up to a lady of the night and asks how good her hand jobs are. She says "see that Tesla over there?" "Yeah," he says. "That Tesla's mine because I give the best hand jobs ever." Dude is a little skeptical but tells her to hop in the car. She does and they go for a spin. Turns out she didn't oversell her talents. "Holy shit, that really was the best hand job ever!" John tells her. She nods knowingly.
A couple nights later John decides he wants a blow job. Drives down to the same spot and finds the same chick. Tells her to hop in. They go for a drive and he asks her how good her blowjobs are. "See that house over there?" she says as they pass a massive home. "Yeah," he says. "That house is mine because I give the best blow jobs ever." Dude gets a little excited and tells her she's hired. She goes to work. Turns out she didn't oversell her talents. "Holy shit, that really was the best blow job ever!" John tells her. She nods knowingly as she wipes her chin.
A couple nights later John decides he wants to fuck. Drives down to the same spot and finds the same chick. Tells her to hop in. They go for a drive and he asks her how good of a lay she is. "See that yacht over there?" she says as they pass a boat that would make Bezos blush. "Yeah," he says, unzipping his pants and getting ready for the fuck of a liftim.
"That yacht would be mine if I had a pussy."
The first guy, "The airplane, look how much it has done. From Travel to freight. Even it's control in war."
The second guy, "The computer. It has changed the world. Computers are involved in everything we do."
The last guy, "Those are pretty good and clearly important. I'm going with the thermos."
The other two start to laugh, "The thermos?! What's so great about that?"
The last guy, "Well it keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold."
The other two, "Yeah so?"
The last guy, "How does it know?!"
Now to the to funny part. At work my VP needed to send out a quick statement about himself to introduce himself to the company, etc. Part of the blurb was the question, what has been the greatest invention for you.
I told him this joke. He used this joke and in his intro he said the thermos. While all the others had great answers that were centered around their careers, this VP looked like an ass-clown, which he was.
I sat back and enjoyed every minute of it.
I know, cool story bro.
When they handing out rifles, a few privates didn't get one.
Private, "Sargent, I don't have a gun what should I do?".
Sargent, "It's ok, when you want to shoot someone, just point your finger and yell 'shoot, shoot, shoot'. Everyone knows and will follow orders."
The war games start and private gets lost and is on his own. He sees the enemy and stand up a yells 'shoot, shoot, shoot' and they drop dead.
"Hey this is great" thinks the private.
He heads toward the base of the enemy, and sees only one solider out front walking back and forth.
The private think this is chance and he can take the enemy base. He run towards the enemy and yells "shoot, shoot, shoot'. Nothing.
He get next to the enemy solider points his finger at close range and yells 'shoot, shoot, shoot', still nothing.
The private yells at him, "Hey, it's orders that you die since I shot you." Still nothing.
Finally the private get right in his path to confront him.
The solider pushes him over and walks on top of him and says, "Tank, Tank, Tank".