It's 11:30 PM in New Orleans. My asshole is raw. My stomach is empty. And I want to die ASAP.
Let's give this some background. I am no Swaye, but I will attempt to articulate as best as possible. I flew to Florida to purchase my grandmother's car and visit cousins. On the last day of the Florida visit, before my dad and I began our cross country road trip, we went to a super sketchy meatball sub place in a Jewish town. Being a sketchy meatball sub restaurant, they were probably using laxatives in their meatballs. Like, seriously.
So anyway, we're eating our meatball subs that smell like shit, and I order a ginger ale to counterbalance the possibility of laxative Jewish meatballs. My 55 year old waitress who may or may not be giving me the look decides to refill my glass as soon as it gets halfway. Not wanting to be mean, I keep drinking, and eventually I've probably had about 7 glasses worth of shit tier ginger ale. I feel fine, and my dad and I get on the road and drive through the UF campus in Gainesville. We have some really fucking good pizza, and I try some 6-soda float thing that tastes great but is probably also filled with laxatives, because Gainesville. We stop at a hotel, everything is cool, blah blah blah.
Today, we get on the road and I start to feel iffy. I do about three hours of driving or so, drink an Arizona, eat a bag of Doritos, and life is great. Upon arrival to New Orleans, my dad and I go to get something to eat, and walk through Bourbon street, which is insane. My stomach is hurting a little bit, but it's no big deal. Bourbon street is cool, it's loud as hell, and there are a few hot chicks semi close to my age I'm eyeing. My dad and I eventually stop at this restaurant called Father something in French, and we order Jumbalaya from our cute waitress who's probably around 22 or so. Before drinks arrive, my stomach starts killing me. Like, seriously killing me.
I tell my dad I have to go to the bathroom, but unfortunately when I arrive at the bathroom I discover the toilet situation in the restaurant is horrendous. There's only one shitter and one urinal, and some fatass just went into the shitter. I pace around outside the bathroom for 10 minutes until finally the fat guy comes out, and I rush for my sweet release. When it comes out, it's the worst kind of shit- the semi-solid, but wet shit that takes forever to wipe and in general sucks and makes your asshole burn. I'm a professional shitter, though, so it's no big deal for me. After shit number one is complete, I head back to the table to get started on my strawberry daiquiri (thanks New Orleans). The waitress catches my eye with a faint hint of "Ew, did this guy seriously just take 10 mins in the bathroom?" After about 2 sips of my daiquiri, my stomach starts feeling it, so I head back over for shit number 2.
This time, it's a much higher percentage of liquid, which means it's easier to wipe, but it also smells like shit. After a much quicker, 3 minute shit, I head to the table smelling like shit to find the waitress has arrived with my Creole jumbalaya. It's fucking great. I start to relax after finishing it, then the pain in my stomach goes up again and I have to go take another shit. The waitress looks like she wants to say something, but catches the desperate look on my face and the scent of my previous 2 shits and decides not to say it. Shit number 3 is probably the worst, although Swaye comforts me with his tale of DEFCON 4 tacos at the hands of CLS. My asshole is raw and it feels like everything I've eaten comes out in quick, halting bursts. I'm not doing too well on this one, and I've already used up a roll and a half of TP at this point. When I get up to finally flush, the TOILET DOESN'T FUCKING FLUSH.
Here my diarrhea shit is sitting looking like oil and vinegar with extra clumpy vinegar, and the toilet won't flush. I finally got it to go by rooting around inside the tank on top, but it's clear it's done for the night. I head back to the table, and my dad says he wants to explore the city, but I can go to the room if I want. The waitress comes over, and it's clear I'm not getting anywhere with her, as she catches one whiff on the 4 shits and leans away while handing us the bill. I rush out and go up the street, only to find that it's a block and a half to the nearest restaurant with a restroom. I'm about rush in and go straight to the bathroom, when I spot some deodorant in a store right next to it, so I grab it, because I smell terrible. I go to the bathroom for my horrendous 4th diarrhea, which might be worse than the 3rd. I put the deodorant on and walk out, to find this hot chick sitting with an ugly ass boyfriend. I'm about to go up an start talking when, what do you know, my stomach starts killing me again.
I made a bet with my friends before the trip- 10 bucks that I would get laid with an out of state chick. After blowing an incredible chance in Miami with maybe the hottest older (24) girl I've ever met (long story), my stomach decided it didn't want 10 bucks yet, and I staggered out up the street, because it would look weird if I went right back to the same bathroom. I make it out onto another street, and I have to stop for another shit immediately. I'm practically drunk with diarrhea at this point, and because I'm a lucky guy, I end up going into a bar to for my 5th shit. The bouncers ignore me because I haven't shaved in too long and I'm tall, which turns out to be incredibly unlucky. I take my shit and after wiping, discover my asshole is legitimately bleeding. At this point, it's burning, so I have to do a walking shuffle on the way out. The bouncers notice me this time, and after hearing my voice when asking if I'm 21, decide to take me outside. I attempt to elucidate my situation, which they ignore. Some guy nearby hears it, and jokingly (I think) takes a jab. Being pain drunk and with a stomach that is killing me, I automatically swat the jab down, which means instead of air, the guy slams my dick.
Now my stomach is even worse, and I take another bloody diarrhea shit in short order. My asshole is burning to the point of where if I move sideways at all, I almost scream in pain. Just my luck, there are two girls in body paint and only body paint on the sidewalk, because New Orleans. One of them is hot. Naturally, the hot chick chooses this moment to try and go by me on the crowded sidewalk, and so my dumbass decides to sidestep in front of her. Oops. I nearly shit myself again from the pain, so I have to move quickly to find a bathroom, which in turn makes it worse. I finally find one and run in to find that there's a dude doing injections in one of the stalls, unlocked. I go into the next one and I'm about to let it out when I realize the water level is very high compared to the other toilets, and my dong is touching it. I jump and yank it out just in time for a flood to be unleashed. Right as I'm finishing up, the druggie pokes his head under my stall door and scares the shit out of me, literally. My dong splashes into the shit water and I pull up my shorts and run out, with shit water all over my dick. My stomach isn't really hurting anymore, though, after this seventh shit, and so I take one last shot at a girl. Hot, brown hair, solid ass, great tits, high school senior from one of the mountain states. I think I've got it on this one.
I'm chatting her up and it feels like we're really going somewhere. I'm definitely not staring at her tits, nope. I'm about to add her snapchat when I glance down and realize there's a very noticeable wet spot on my shorts from my dick, and it's the shit water. She sees me mortified, glances down, her mouth drops open, and I'm out of there.
So basically I'm not getting laid at this point, and I get back to my hotel room with only one more shit needed. I'm finally done shitting myself, but I'm getting funny glances on the way back because I turned my shorts inside out to hide the shit spot, and people can totally see my dick anyways. I get back to my hotel room and realize that somehow, someway, I forgot to clean the shit off my dick after the 8th shit. I clean it off and then my dad gets back to the hotel room with this look on my face. I check my phone to find that not only did he see me chatting up the mountain state chick, he took a video zoomed in on my shit dick stain and sent it to me and a few other people, including my friends
So to conclude, my asshole is burning, my stomach is empty, there's a shit dick video floating around, I'm batting a solid ofer on girls this trip, I've blown my two best chances to get with hot chicks in a long time, and I have 8 hours in the car tomorrow. Bleach may be the best option.