Minty fresh

BennyBeaver · March 2017

If you've never had a hemorrhoid, consider yourself lucky, because these things--even the little guys--can itch like you wouldn't believe. I woke up randomly in the middle of the night with such an itch happening; fortunately, this is why they make Preparation H, which actually works extremely well. I stumbled into my bathroom which ordinarily has a nightlight turned on, but the bulb burned out a couple of days ago and I haven't had a chance to get a replacement yet. Not wanting to blind myself, I fumbled around for the tube of ointment in the dark, but it wasn't in the spot I typically leave it--then I remembered that it was in my travel toiletries bag from a recent overnight trip. I keep that under the sink. Still averse to turning on the overhead lights, I opted instead to fumble around in the dark and find the tube by feel. It only took a moment, but the second I applied it to the "affected area" I realized something was very wrong--the consistency wasn't correct, and there was a powerful wintergreen smell. Lights be damned--I threw them on and realized that yes, indeed, I had actually grabbed the little tube of toothpaste from my bag... and let me tell you, I immediately understood why "the ring of fire" is an anal-relevant phrase. Following a liberal wad of toilet paper and some self-cursing, I did manage to find and apply the correct substance and get back to bed. I wouldn't encourage anyone to repeat this; while having a minty-fresh anus might sound appealing, it is not, in fact, a good thing.