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haie's Computer Game Thoughts: Slain!

haie
haie Member, Swaye's Wigwam Posts: 24,717 Founders Club
in Tug Tavern
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It's the offseason, #MyBlazers will soon be wiped off of the face of the earth by Clippers, HondoFS is still spamming his garbage everywhere, and I've finally felt like bringing up this illustrious and poetic series...

Wait, why do I need to give reason for talking about computer games? Fucking Honda is still posting his useless bullshit.

Anyways, I had stopped playing games for awhile. The trend nowadays is to make something as pussified as possible, to reach the widest audience possible, to make the most money possible. While I don't judge that, I miss the golden age of games in the late 1990's where developers sat around drinking beer and made badass games that the rest of the country wouldn't be offended at. It's funny, but there actually is a market for mature gamers who just want to see some pixel gore and some menacing demons impale your character if you suck.

Finally, a development team of long haired guys living in their parents garage playing metal decided to make a game solely for this purpose: Slain!

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This game is simply a joy to play. You're a middle aged Viking resurrected to chase down a demon, and there's really no other story to it besides the fact that said demon kills you at the end of the game. See, I'm not a dick ruining the ending because there's no story. You eviscerate demons and that's it. Any game like this will surely be bad for your liver, trust me. It's okay though, because I heard mixing Irish coffee in between beers can repair your liver somewhat. Sounds like something an alcoholic came up with.

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Supposedly it took these guys 3 years to create it, and it's no surprise seeing how fucking amazing all of the art is. This is basically Metalocalypse: The Video Game. It's the kind of thing that would have most parents shaking and vomiting if anyone actually gave a shit about it. I can't believe Nintendo in all their faggotry okay'd this game for Wii U.

I think platforming games are for faggots, so I was a bit worried about the gameplay. I also read that the swordplay sucks, and that the two main weapon upgrades (fire sword and ice axe) were useless. All of that is bullshit. You have to meticulously cut your way through the AI and really know when to strike and when to block. Again, the developers took their time formulating this because this is ALL YOU'LL BE FUCKING DOING. The platforming parts don't overtake the game, and are merely there for you to watch your character die in incredibly gruesome ways (although I wouldn't know, because I don't die in video games like most faggots).

Here is what you'll be doing if you decided to pick this up:

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I won't even get into the godly metal soundtrack for this game, but needless to say, the entire package of this game is so incredibly white that #NeverTrump will probably show up to protest you playing it.

REVENGE OF THE NERDS THIS PUPPY YOU FAGGOT.

Thanks for reading *winky face while sucking cock*
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