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haie's Computer Game Thoughts: Slain!

haiehaie Member, Swaye's Wigwam Posts: 21,765 Swaye's Wigwam
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It's the offseason, #MyBlazers will soon be wiped off of the face of the earth by Clippers, HondoFS is still spamming his garbage everywhere, and I've finally felt like bringing up this illustrious and poetic series...

Wait, why do I need to give reason for talking about computer games? Fucking Honda is still posting his useless bullshit.

Anyways, I had stopped playing games for awhile. The trend nowadays is to make something as pussified as possible, to reach the widest audience possible, to make the most money possible. While I don't judge that, I miss the golden age of games in the late 1990's where developers sat around drinking beer and made badass games that the rest of the country wouldn't be offended at. It's funny, but there actually is a market for mature gamers who just want to see some pixel gore and some menacing demons impale your character if you suck.

Finally, a development team of long haired guys living in their parents garage playing metal decided to make a game solely for this purpose: Slain!

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This game is simply a joy to play. You're a middle aged Viking resurrected to chase down a demon, and there's really no other story to it besides the fact that said demon kills you at the end of the game. See, I'm not a dick ruining the ending because there's no story. You eviscerate demons and that's it. Any game like this will surely be bad for your liver, trust me. It's okay though, because I heard mixing Irish coffee in between beers can repair your liver somewhat. Sounds like something an alcoholic came up with.

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Supposedly it took these guys 3 years to create it, and it's no surprise seeing how fucking amazing all of the art is. This is basically Metalocalypse: The Video Game. It's the kind of thing that would have most parents shaking and vomiting if anyone actually gave a shit about it. I can't believe Nintendo in all their faggotry okay'd this game for Wii U.

I think platforming games are for faggots, so I was a bit worried about the gameplay. I also read that the swordplay sucks, and that the two main weapon upgrades (fire sword and ice axe) were useless. All of that is bullshit. You have to meticulously cut your way through the AI and really know when to strike and when to block. Again, the developers took their time formulating this because this is ALL YOU'LL BE FUCKING DOING. The platforming parts don't overtake the game, and are merely there for you to watch your character die in incredibly gruesome ways (although I wouldn't know, because I don't die in video games like most faggots).

Here is what you'll be doing if you decided to pick this up:

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I won't even get into the godly metal soundtrack for this game, but needless to say, the entire package of this game is so incredibly white that #NeverTrump will probably show up to protest you playing it.

REVENGE OF THE NERDS THIS PUPPY YOU FAGGOT.

Thanks for reading *winky face while sucking cock*
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Comments

  • MisterEmMisterEm Member Posts: 6,685
    CS:GO competitive. Fifa 16. Not much else anymore.
  • dncdnc Member Posts: 56,690
    edited April 2016
  • ThomasFremontThomasFremont Member Posts: 13,325
    MisterEm said:

    CS:GO competitive. Fifa 16. Not much else anymore.

    Dota 2
  • PurpleJPurpleJ Member Posts: 37,212 Founders Club
    edited April 2016
    I play two games right now. Fifa if I'm short on time. I am a fucking god at that game. I also play Fallout 4 right now, because who doesn't love post apocalyptic RPGs? That game is a huge time waster though, so I pace myself. I used to love online shooters, but CoD has ruined the shooter market for now. Also miss games like Age of Empires and Command and Conquer.

    P.S. Does this shit run on OS X or do I need to boot up in Windows?
  • ThomasFremontThomasFremont Member Posts: 13,325
    OSX?

    Kill yourself, faggot!
  • PurpleJPurpleJ Member Posts: 37,212 Founders Club

    OSX?

    Kill yourself, faggot!

    Best OS in the game unless you run linux. I can run Windows faster than most PCs so fuck off.
  • ThomasFremontThomasFremont Member Posts: 13,325
    PurpleJ said:

    OSX?

    Kill yourself, faggot!

    Best OS in the game unless you run linux. I can run Windows faster than most PCs so fuck off.
    So, not the best?
  • ThomasFremontThomasFremont Member Posts: 13,325
    Piggybacking off of this, Firewatch is cool. Like smoke weed and eat shrooms and wander into the woods to trip balls cool.
  • haiehaie Member, Swaye's Wigwam Posts: 21,765 Swaye's Wigwam
    PurpleJ said:

    I play two games right now. Fifa if I'm short on time. I am a fucking god at that game. I also play Fallout 4 right now, because who doesn't love post apocalyptic RPGs? That game is a huge time waster though, so I pace myself. I used to love online shooters, but CoD has ruined the shooter market for now. Also miss games like Age of Empires and Command and Conquer.

    P.S. Does this shit run on OS X or do I need to boot up in Windows?

    Runs great on both.
  • PurpleJPurpleJ Member Posts: 37,212 Founders Club

    PurpleJ said:

    OSX?

    Kill yourself, faggot!

    Best OS in the game unless you run linux. I can run Windows faster than most PCs so fuck off.
    So, not the best?
    Let's just say I have Windows and never run it because most things I need run on OS X. If you've never actually used OS X you should stop sucking Bill Gates' cock for a minute and try it out. Superior.
  • haiehaie Member, Swaye's Wigwam Posts: 21,765 Swaye's Wigwam

    Piggybacking off of this, Firewatch is cool. Like smoke weed and eat shrooms and wander into the woods to trip balls cool.

    The interlude area in between levels is made for loading your next bowl.
  • 2001400ex2001400ex Member Posts: 29,457
    Free pub from my biggest admirer. You definitely top J (who is actually amusing) and shitstain (who is so dumb I laff).

    You on the other hand, just like shitty computer games.
  • PurpleJPurpleJ Member Posts: 37,212 Founders Club
    It's Friday on the east coast.
  • ThomasFremontThomasFremont Member Posts: 13,325
    haie said:

    Piggybacking off of this, Firewatch is cool. Like smoke weed and eat shrooms and wander into the woods to trip balls cool.

    The interlude area in between levels is made for loading your next bowl.
    I was so blazed, I was walking in the woods, and constantly checking my surroundings for danger. Paranoia got out of control.

    Good times.
  • haiehaie Member, Swaye's Wigwam Posts: 21,765 Swaye's Wigwam
    2001400ex said:

    Free pub from my biggest admirer. You definitely top J (who is actually amusing) and shitstain (who is so dumb I laff).

    You on the other hand, just like shitty computer games.

    Everyone here is just waiting for you to slip up and post your Jared Fogle collection so you can finally be DAO.

    You make PDXDuckFan look like Harvey fucking Road.
  • PurpleJPurpleJ Member Posts: 37,212 Founders Club

    haie said:

    Piggybacking off of this, Firewatch is cool. Like smoke weed and eat shrooms and wander into the woods to trip balls cool.

    The interlude area in between levels is made for loading your next bowl.
    I was so blazed, I was walking in the woods, and constantly checking my surroundings for danger. Paranoia got out of control.

    Good times.
    Sounds like Fallout 4 on survival mode. Might have to check that out. Shit maybe I'll eat some benzis before. Haven't done that in a while.
  • PurpleJPurpleJ Member Posts: 37,212 Founders Club
    haie said:

    2001400ex said:

    Free pub from my biggest admirer. You definitely top J (who is actually amusing) and shitstain (who is so dumb I laff).

    You on the other hand, just like shitty computer games.

    Everyone here is just waiting for you to slip up and post your Jared Fogle collection so you can finally be DAO.

    You make PDXDuckFanIMALOSER look like Harvey fucking Road.
  • ThomasFremontThomasFremont Member Posts: 13,325
    PurpleJ said:

    haie said:

    Piggybacking off of this, Firewatch is cool. Like smoke weed and eat shrooms and wander into the woods to trip balls cool.

    The interlude area in between levels is made for loading your next bowl.
    I was so blazed, I was walking in the woods, and constantly checking my surroundings for danger. Paranoia got out of control.

    Good times.
    Sounds like Fallout 4 on survival mode. Might have to check that out. Shit maybe I'll eat some benzis before. Haven't done that in a while.
    I won't say anything else to spoil it. Give it a shot and tell me what you think.

    It's a psychological thriller, at the very least.
  • PurpleJPurpleJ Member Posts: 37,212 Founders Club
  • doogsinparadisedoogsinparadise Member Posts: 9,320
    PurpleJ said:

    I play two games right now. Fifa if I'm short on time. I am a fucking god at that game. I also play Fallout 4 right now, because who doesn't love post apocalyptic RPGs? That game is a huge time waster though, so I pace myself. I used to love online shooters, but CoD has ruined the shooter market for now. Also miss games like Age of Empires and Command and Conquer.

    P.S. Does this shit run on OS X or do I need to boot up in Windows?

    mynigga.gif
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