Jihadi Goat Carcass Game Challenge

oregonblitzkrieg

Buzkashi or kokpar is the Central Asian sport in which horse-mounted players attempt to drag a goat carcass toward a goal. Traditionally, games could last for several days, but in its more regulated tournament version also has a limited match time.

Choose your Buzkashi team. You must select one player from each of the 4 major jihadi categories. You have $13 to spend on your team. If you have any money left over to spend after choosing one player from each of the 4 categories, you may spend the remaining amount on whatever dreck you can afford. There is no limit to how many teammates you can have. You will then accompany your teammates to any after hours events/activities of your choosing. Do you want to take over a small country or score some quality hookers and blow? Choose carefully.

KINGPINS


$5 Ayatollah Khomeni

Iranian Supreme Leader. Assets: Power. He packs a strong punch. Drawbacks: A real zealot. You'll be expected to follow the tenets of the Koran to the letter.

$4 Moammar Quadaffi

Libyan dictator. Assets: Charisma, guile. Is a real pimp. You'll never be short of hookers and blow. Drawbacks: Bad temper. Looks like a drag queen.


$3 Bashar Assad

Syrian dictator. Assets: Survivability, Russian connections. He's gritty and will last the whole game. Drawbacks: He looks like a rat. Hang with him and you won't be popular with the chicks.


UPPER ECHELON

$4 Osama bin Laden

Al Qaida Leader. Assets: Charisma. Evasion. Powerful figurehead. Eluded the most powerful military on Earth for years. Drawbacks: His ass is sunk at the bottom of the Indian Ocean.

$3 Mullah Mohammed Omar

Taliban Leader. Assets: Evasion. This guy can hide well. You're more likely to be able sneak up on a cougar. Drawbacks: Has only one eye.

$2 Hassan Nasrallah

Leader of Hezbollah. Assets: Russian weapons stockpiles superiority guy. Drawbacks: Is as fat as Fetters and just as ugly.


HIGHER RANKED MINIONS

$4 Odai Hussein

Son of Saddam Hussein. Assets: Can get you into the best parties. No shortage of hookers and blow when you're in his company.
Drawbacks: Erratic and insane. May kill you and your teammates for the slightest offense.

$2 Zacarias Moussaoui

Al Qaida Terrorist. Assets: Doesn't crack under pressure. Is ready to rumble like Ossai. Drawbacks: Not very intelligent.

$1 Richard Reid

The shoe bomber. Assets: Aerial attacks. Drawbacks: Throws more interceptions than Connor Halliday. Is even dumberer than Moussaoui.


WARM BODIES

$1 American Taliban John Walker Lindh

American traitor. Assets: None. Drawbacks: Is a piece of camel shit with no redeeming value.

$1 Azzam the American

American Traitor. Al Qaida spokesman. Assets: None. Drawbacks: Islamafag. ($75k)

$1. Jose Padillo

The dirty bomber. Assets: None. Drawbacks: Camel/burro shit hybrid.

CuntWaffle

What the fuck is this i dont even...

Dick_B

I. Don't. Get. It.

oregonblitzkrieg

You guys must have flunked 8th grade PE.

dnc

Shit. Nowhere. Belongs.

oregonblitzkrieg

Dumbing this down for you cockwater gurglers. Hi DoogNationCuntwhore, fucking faggot. Pick the team you think can win the goat carcass game, but balance it with how you want to have fun "afterwards." Metaphorically speaking, say you want to launch a campaign against the Autzen empire. Picking the Ayatollah would be good for recruiting, as that's one of his strongpoints. And pick other serious guys. If you just want to launch a petty assault on your nearby rival in Pullman but want to have some fun too, pick Gaddaffi (for the whores and drugs) and Nasrallah for the weaponry. If you just want to fuck around and party, Gaddaffi and Odai are the guys you want on your team.

CuntWaffle

Great pressing as always.

PurpleJ

Has OBK been run yet?

[Deleted User]

PurpleJ said:

Has OBK been run yet?

There was a charm about him that I liked. Now it's just not funny anymore.

dnc

oregonblitzkrieg said:

Dumbing this down for you cockwater gurglers. Hi DoogNationCuntwhore, fucking faggot. Pick the team you think can win the goat carcass game, but balance it with how you want to have fun "afterwards." Metaphorically speaking, say you want to launch a campaign against the Autzen empire. Picking the Ayatollah would be good for recruiting, as that's one of his strongpoints. And pick other serious guys. If you just want to launch a petty assault on your nearby rival in Pullman but want to have some fun too, pick Gaddaffi (for the whores and drugs) and Nasrallah for the weaponry. If you just want to fuck around and party, Gaddaffi and Odai are the guys you want on your team.

Pat, pat little buddy.

Fire_Marshall_Bill

Can't decide whether to WTF, flag, or awesome this because it's so bizarre and irreverent, yet still made me laugh and laugh

I also can't figure out if OBK is a whoosh or an angry 20 something in a Springfield, Reedsport, or Bend basement two bad days away from opening fire at the mall.