Apple Cup Adventure: AKA Fuck Thanksgiving My Life Sucks

Swaye said:

Okay, so here goes. I get to her place and walk in, lights are low, lots of candles. I’m thinking great, you think this will be a night I’ll never forget, but what is really happening is a Lifetime movie sex scene for women with candles. Christ.

Now, she is wearing a sort of cheesy Injun Princess lingerie type outfit she got off eBay (not kidding). Sort of gay, but she has legit double D’s and the rest of her is skinny so she looked killer. So yay for cultural appropriation but only when I am going to get laid.




She leads me down the hall and she has feathers dangling from the door frame (not kidding again). Walk into the room and she has dream catchers everywhere. I’m thinking “this chick must have spent like 200 bucks on eBay for all this useless trinket bullshit.” Here’s what else I’m thinking…look, I honest to REAL God associate myself as injun…but I am half Scottish for Christ sakes. I spent 6 summers on the res as a kid, and have gone to a couple of injun events in the last decade. I’m not some fucking full blooded tribal warrior named Sitting Bull. So it’s cool she is all into the injun thing, but fuck man, I didn’t ride here on a horse wearing a headdress. My dick doesn’t know if it should get hard or look for a buffalo to kill. Maybe both?

But, did I mention she looks fucking outrageously hot in her little eBay getup? Jesus. This slut is on fire. So, she puts me on the bed, does this sexy open your mouth thing, and slips two MDMA tabs into my mouth, pours a vodka chaser down my throat, then takes a couple herself. This shit is about to get good.




Forty five minutes later I am on a fucking sex trip I can’t even describe. I pretty much zoned out and tranced hard for what must have been an hour or more, and I am pretty sure we were fucking like horses and doing disgusting barnyard shit. It’s really sort of fragmented in my mind, almost like acid. I’ve never had E fuck me up like this. I know people who say they hallucinate on E, but I never have, until last night. Is there a newer form of E that acts more like acid or some shit? My E and acid days were many years ago, so maybe they have some designer shit now.




Anyway, at one point she pulls out a riding crop and asks me to beat her with it. I oblige. I think I’m fucking a double D version of @Spirithorse. Very cool. Then she starts hitting me with it. Playfully at first, then hard. She tries to smack my ass with it for the 15th time and I do a super cool roll maneuver right off the bed onto the floor. I’m trying to stay manly looking but just fall into a big pile.




So anyway she tosses the riding crop and we continue on the floor. This goes on for who knows how long. Finally start coming to my senses around 3 AM and we are both fucking done for. Cooked. Crash for a couple hours, then get up to drive home. Stop at a Dunkin to get a coffee. My dick is chaffed beyond all repair. Looks like a piece of raw meat that got run over by a semi on I-95. My ass has huge welts all over it from where she beat me with the crop. This chick is dirty.




So, my dick is a mess, my ass is mangled, think I pulled several ab muscles, head hurts, I fell off the wagon and am on drugs again, and I think I broke my elbow trying to stop getting beaten with an assault weapon for horses. The bruise extends from mid-tricep to my mid-forearm. Been at work for 4 hours and I can’t get my brain to work right. Took me like an hour to write this. I really want to bang this chick again, because she is next level sex, but I think I am actually scared of her. I might die.

Swaye said:

Okay, so here goes. I get to her place and walk in, lights are low, lots of candles. I’m thinking great, you think this will be a night I’ll never forget, but what is really happening is a Lifetime movie sex scene for women with candles. Christ.

Now, she is wearing a sort of cheesy Injun Princess lingerie type outfit she got off eBay (not kidding). Sort of gay, but she has legit double D’s and the rest of her is skinny so she looked killer. So yay for cultural appropriation but only when I am going to get laid.




She leads me down the hall and she has feathers dangling from the door frame (not kidding again). Walk into the room and she has dream catchers everywhere. I’m thinking “this chick must have spent like 200 bucks on eBay for all this useless trinket bullshit.” Here’s what else I’m thinking…look, I honest to REAL God associate myself as injun…but I am half Scottish for Christ sakes. I spent 6 summers on the res as a kid, and have gone to a couple of injun events in the last decade. I’m not some fucking full blooded tribal warrior named Sitting Bull. So it’s cool she is all into the injun thing, but fuck man, I didn’t ride here on a horse wearing a headdress. My dick doesn’t know if it should get hard or look for a buffalo to kill. Maybe both?

But, did I mention she looks fucking outrageously hot in her little eBay getup? Jesus. This slut is on fire. So, she puts me on the bed, does this sexy open your mouth thing, and slips two MDMA tabs into my mouth, pours a vodka chaser down my throat, then takes a couple herself. This shit is about to get good.




Forty five minutes later I am on a fucking sex trip I can’t even describe. I pretty much zoned out and tranced hard for what must have been an hour or more, and I am pretty sure we were fucking like horses and doing disgusting barnyard shit. It’s really sort of fragmented in my mind, almost like acid. I’ve never had E fuck me up like this. I know people who say they hallucinate on E, but I never have, until last night. Is there a newer form of E that acts more like acid or some shit? My E and acid days were many years ago, so maybe they have some designer shit now.




Anyway, at one point she pulls out a riding crop and asks me to beat her with it. I oblige. I think I’m fucking a double D version of @Spirithorse. Very cool. Then she starts hitting me with it. Playfully at first, then hard. She tries to smack my ass with it for the 15th time and I do a super cool roll maneuver right off the bed onto the floor. I’m trying to stay manly looking but just fall into a big pile.




So anyway she tosses the riding crop and we continue on the floor. This goes on for who knows how long. Finally start coming to my senses around 3 AM and we are both fucking done for. Cooked. Crash for a couple hours, then get up to drive home. Stop at a Dunkin to get a coffee. My dick is chaffed beyond all repair. Looks like a piece of raw meat that got run over by a semi on I-95. My ass has huge welts all over it from where she beat me with the crop. This chick is dirty.




So, my dick is a mess, my ass is mangled, think I pulled several ab muscles, head hurts, I fell off the wagon and am on drugs again, and I think I broke my elbow trying to stop getting beaten with an assault weapon for horses. The bruise extends from mid-tricep to my mid-forearm. Been at work for 4 hours and I can’t get my brain to work right. Took me like an hour to write this. I really want to bang this chick again, because she is next level sex, but I think I am actually scared of her. I might die.

Swaye said:

Update: My dick really hurts.