OFFICIAL Washington vs. Illinois Game Thread

Where my dawgs at?!?!

I left Seattle at 2 a.m. because, as every Husky fan knows, real loyalty means sacrificing sleep, dignity and your checking account. Packed the essentials:

• 14 Space Dusts (because light beer is for people who think “Cougar Gold” is a wine, amirite?)
• A Bluetooth speaker preloaded with “Bow Down to Washington” on repeat
• A Patagonia vest (mandatory, ha)
• And, of course, a laminated chart proving Jake Locker > Juice Williams in every conceivable metric.

Flight? Red-eye from Seatown. Middle seat. Between a guy in a WSU hoodie who kept burping “Cougs house!” and a woman who asked if UW was “that school in Wisconsin.”

Landed in Chicago, rented a car. They gave me a Chevy Spark. A SPARK. I’m a Husky, not a hamster. Hit I-74, passed 400 miles of corn, and started questioning if Illinois even has humans or if it’s just a simulation run by John Deere.

Finally, I roll into Memorial Stadium at 7:30 a.m., ready to tailgate like Don James himself is watching. I fire up the Coleman road-tripper, crack a dusty, and blast the fight song loud enough to scare prairie dogs. I’m feeling elite. I’m feeling smug. I’m feeling… alone.

Because here’s the thing: THERE’S NOBODY HERE. No orange. No blue. No bratwurst smoke. Just me, my grill, and a stadium that looks like it’s hosting a library convention. Did Illinois cancel football? El-Oh-El

At this point, I’m wandering the parking lot like a lost Patagonia model, muttering about Marques Tuiasosopo being better than anyone Illinois ever recruited. Red Grange? Cute. Dick Butkus? Adorable. But could they handle the Pac-12 grind? Please.

So yeah, if anyone knows why Champaign looks like the set of The Walking Dead instead of a Big Ten showdown, hit me up. Until then, I’ll be here explaining to the squirrels why Reggie Williams > Brandon Lloyd and sipping my Spacey like the pretentious West Coast elitist I am.

Go Dawgs. Beat Illinois. (If they actually show up, har har.)