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How fucking shitty were we? last year?
Dennis_DeYoung
Member Posts: 14,754
Let's look at a realistic view of what we? "accomplished" last year.
Game 1: Rutgers. W: 30-14
Offensive manages to score 23 on mighty Rutgers. We look like shit and cannot finish drives. Everyone knows we suck.
Key Stat: We run 24 times and throw 30 times. Great job Smith, you fucking moron.
Why I count this as a loss: Rutgers was leading at one point.
Game 2: Montana. W 63-7
Always special to beat Montana.
Key Stat: I'm not saying it should invalidate his record, but Pettis had a PR for a TD in this game.
Why I count this as a loss: We played Montana in a public forum and expected people to pay to see it.
Game 3: Fresno. W 48-16.
We host big time 2020 Recruit Kendall Milton, whose whole family is decked out in Fresno gear (he dropped us recently). Again, this game was not for free as an exhibition.
Key Stat: Jake Browning has his top performance of the season, coming through in a big time game with a 95.7 adjusted QBR!
Why I count this as a loss: Fresno outscored us in the fourth quarter. Fresno did. That was Fresno that did that.
Game 4: Colorado. W 37-10.
We beat up a shitty Colorado team. Offense scores 30 points for the first time on a P5 opponent! Woohoo.
Key Stat: I was told to leave the stadium in the third quarter and hid for the forth quarter.
Why I count this as a loss: At the end of the first quarter we were behind 7-0. To fucking Colorado.
Game 5: Oregon State. W 42-7.
The good thing about this win was that it helped us get rid of Smith.
Key Stat: Playing one of the worst teams ever, we jumped out to a 7-0 half time lead.
Why I count this as a loss: Oregon State scored.
Game 6: Cal. W 38-7
Basically a good game, marred by the fact that we ran 46 pass plays and 34 run plays. In a 31 point victory.
Key Stat: At least Cal's offense didn't score.
Why I count this as a loss: Tommy Togiai visited for this game and then went to Ohio State.
Game 7: ASU. L 13-7
Offense came through big time with a 7 point performance against the nation's 109th ranked defense. It only cost us the P12N title.
Key Stat: 40 pass plays to 21 run plays and Jake Browning's amazing 31.0 QBR in this game tie.
Why I count this as a loss: THE HOLDING CALL LOST THE GAME FOR US!!!
Game 8: UCLA. W 44-23
Someone mandated that we actually never throw again after two of the first three Jake Browning passes were thrown directly to UCLA players (who failed to catch them). Surprise, our best O performance!
Key Stat: Jake Browning tremendously efficient with a 24.3 QBR!
Why I count this as a loss: UCLA outscored us in the 4th quarter. Fucking embarrassing. Our 3rd string has no fucking pride at all.
Game 9: Oregon. W 38-3
Playing against a team with a HS QB and not allowing Jake more than 20 attempts works well for us.
Key Stat: Salvon Ahmed averaged more per rush than Jake did per pass (14.0ypc vs. 10.7ypa).
Why I count this as a loss: Oregon was up fucking 3-0 after the first quarter because we don't know how to play during first quarters under Pete.
Game 10: Stanford. L 30-22
After dominating them for 1.5 quarters, a Baccelia offsides penalty on 3rd and 1, then a failed 4th and 1 (because we have a shit kicking game) in the middle of the 2nd quarter, we quit.
Key Stat: We were 2-8 on third and they were 10-18. That is a mentally tough team for you!
Why I count this as a loss: First quarter pre-empted by truck racing. That actually happened for the most important P12N game.
Game 11: Utah. W 33-30
Playing against a team with a total of 8 4-star recruits on the team, we managed to win because Kyle Whittingham completely fucked up.
Key Stat: 0 turnovers.
Why I count this as a loss: Because we fucking suck. This should've been a total blow out, but we are fucking losers.
Game 12: WSU. W 41-14
Our FIRST GAME ALL SEASON AGAINST A RANKED OPPONENT and it was the fucking Cuog. JFC.
Key Stat: Myles, Lavon, Salvon and fucking Ralph Kinne averaged more yards per attempt than Jake did (7.7, 9.0, 9.1, 7.7 vs. 5.5).
Why I count this as a loss: Because the No-Prides gave up 14 points to WSU in the 4th and we lost the P12N.
Game 13: Pedo State. L 35-28
Once again, we get drubbed on a national stage (28-7 in the first half at one point), while giving up 13 of 17 on 3rd down.
Key Stat: Myles' yards per attempt again higher than Jake's (7.0 vs. 6.3).
Why I count this as a loss: We got 4 third down stops. All game. Four.
GOVERNMENT RECORD: 10-3
ACTUAL RECORD: Owen
BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: Nothing, because we beat no one good. Lost to ASU when the P12N was on the line and then shrivel-dicked ourselves into a L after being up 14-7 on Stanford with the ball inside their 20. Pedo beat our brains out. How are we not Kansas State?
WHAT NEEDS IMPROVING IF WE ARE GOING TO BEAT AUBURN: Offensive scheme (we should probably run it some), being fucking shrivel-dick betas in games against teams with talent (a/k/a be better on third down than them, lol, which will never happen).
PROGNOSIS FOR THIS YEAR: I see another Owen coming. Auburn is going to beat us by 20, Utah is most likely a loss as we tuck our tail, UCLA is the kind of game we always lose and then will our team have any fucking stones left after that or will we fold the tent? I'm sure Jake will rally us!
PROGNOSIS FOR THE PROGRAM: Strausser, Pease, Smith and to a lesser extent Gregory, Paopao and Bonapha forgot to stock the program. We will be competitive and good at places where we recruited well (this is a big shocker) whether it was by accident (RB) or on purpose (DB). But the lines are depleted because of recruiting mistakes/laziness/suck-factor and program mismanagement, we have a guy at QB that is not what I would call competitive and we have an offense that is shitty - yet, still too complicated to play young players at WR. If we get any injuries on either line, we are basically fucked. Good thing, too, because you really don't want depth on the lines. Not a lot of injuries there, usually.
WHY DID WE SUCK ON THIRD DOWNS?: Because ever since Texas '01, we've been losers and we still are. We are betas. We can do okay vs. teams we physically dominate, but any team that is physically equivalent to (or better than) us, we shrivel up. We haven't upset one team under Pete. We just get killed by decent teams on third down (on offense, too - great job vs. Stanford guys!).
WHY DID DB SUCK SO FUCKING BAD LAST YEAR, I THOUGHT JIMMY LAKE WAS AN ELITE COACH AND RECRUITER?!?: In Jimmy's defense, he got 7 DBs his first year here and 6 of them left the program early (Baker, Gardenhire, Hale, Jones, Lewis, Washington). Last year was probably the one year where we couldn't afford to have our top 2 CBs out for most of the season. As good as Jimmy has been recruiting, we are still recruiting guys that take a year or two to get going. Keith Taylor, Elijah Molden and Brandon McKinney will all be really good, but they aren't day-1 starter types like Darnay Holmes or Isaac Taylor-Stuart.
IS IT DISTRESSING THAT FOUR YEARS IN PETE'S BEST WIN IS AGAINST STANFORD AT HOME?: Fucking right it is. This year we have 4 opportunities for equal or bigger wins IMO: Auburn (it will never happen), UCLA (this is the kind of game we always lose), Stanford at home (can we win a game when it counts or will this be a USC '16 redux?) and a championship/bowl game.
IF WE ARE SO SHITTY DENNIS, WHY DO THE METRICS LIKE US SO MUCH?: Because they think a senior QB is a good thing and we are getting a LOT more talented this year (this is a big upgrade in talent as we are bringing in like 15 blue chip kids and losing like 4). If we are good this year it will be due to Bush making our offense make sense, keeping healthy (this is only a requirement for crap teams) and us getting some confidence against good teams.
TSIO
Game 1: Rutgers. W: 30-14
Offensive manages to score 23 on mighty Rutgers. We look like shit and cannot finish drives. Everyone knows we suck.
Key Stat: We run 24 times and throw 30 times. Great job Smith, you fucking moron.
Why I count this as a loss: Rutgers was leading at one point.
Game 2: Montana. W 63-7
Always special to beat Montana.
Key Stat: I'm not saying it should invalidate his record, but Pettis had a PR for a TD in this game.
Why I count this as a loss: We played Montana in a public forum and expected people to pay to see it.
Game 3: Fresno. W 48-16.
We host big time 2020 Recruit Kendall Milton, whose whole family is decked out in Fresno gear (he dropped us recently). Again, this game was not for free as an exhibition.
Key Stat: Jake Browning has his top performance of the season, coming through in a big time game with a 95.7 adjusted QBR!
Why I count this as a loss: Fresno outscored us in the fourth quarter. Fresno did. That was Fresno that did that.
Game 4: Colorado. W 37-10.
We beat up a shitty Colorado team. Offense scores 30 points for the first time on a P5 opponent! Woohoo.
Key Stat: I was told to leave the stadium in the third quarter and hid for the forth quarter.
Why I count this as a loss: At the end of the first quarter we were behind 7-0. To fucking Colorado.
Game 5: Oregon State. W 42-7.
The good thing about this win was that it helped us get rid of Smith.
Key Stat: Playing one of the worst teams ever, we jumped out to a 7-0 half time lead.
Why I count this as a loss: Oregon State scored.
Game 6: Cal. W 38-7
Basically a good game, marred by the fact that we ran 46 pass plays and 34 run plays. In a 31 point victory.
Key Stat: At least Cal's offense didn't score.
Why I count this as a loss: Tommy Togiai visited for this game and then went to Ohio State.
Game 7: ASU. L 13-7
Offense came through big time with a 7 point performance against the nation's 109th ranked defense. It only cost us the P12N title.
Key Stat: 40 pass plays to 21 run plays and Jake Browning's amazing 31.0 QBR in this game tie.
Why I count this as a loss: THE HOLDING CALL LOST THE GAME FOR US!!!
Game 8: UCLA. W 44-23
Someone mandated that we actually never throw again after two of the first three Jake Browning passes were thrown directly to UCLA players (who failed to catch them). Surprise, our best O performance!
Key Stat: Jake Browning tremendously efficient with a 24.3 QBR!
Why I count this as a loss: UCLA outscored us in the 4th quarter. Fucking embarrassing. Our 3rd string has no fucking pride at all.
Game 9: Oregon. W 38-3
Playing against a team with a HS QB and not allowing Jake more than 20 attempts works well for us.
Key Stat: Salvon Ahmed averaged more per rush than Jake did per pass (14.0ypc vs. 10.7ypa).
Why I count this as a loss: Oregon was up fucking 3-0 after the first quarter because we don't know how to play during first quarters under Pete.
Game 10: Stanford. L 30-22
After dominating them for 1.5 quarters, a Baccelia offsides penalty on 3rd and 1, then a failed 4th and 1 (because we have a shit kicking game) in the middle of the 2nd quarter, we quit.
Key Stat: We were 2-8 on third and they were 10-18. That is a mentally tough team for you!
Why I count this as a loss: First quarter pre-empted by truck racing. That actually happened for the most important P12N game.
Game 11: Utah. W 33-30
Playing against a team with a total of 8 4-star recruits on the team, we managed to win because Kyle Whittingham completely fucked up.
Key Stat: 0 turnovers.
Why I count this as a loss: Because we fucking suck. This should've been a total blow out, but we are fucking losers.
Game 12: WSU. W 41-14
Our FIRST GAME ALL SEASON AGAINST A RANKED OPPONENT and it was the fucking Cuog. JFC.
Key Stat: Myles, Lavon, Salvon and fucking Ralph Kinne averaged more yards per attempt than Jake did (7.7, 9.0, 9.1, 7.7 vs. 5.5).
Why I count this as a loss: Because the No-Prides gave up 14 points to WSU in the 4th and we lost the P12N.
Game 13: Pedo State. L 35-28
Once again, we get drubbed on a national stage (28-7 in the first half at one point), while giving up 13 of 17 on 3rd down.
Key Stat: Myles' yards per attempt again higher than Jake's (7.0 vs. 6.3).
Why I count this as a loss: We got 4 third down stops. All game. Four.
GOVERNMENT RECORD: 10-3
ACTUAL RECORD: Owen
BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: Nothing, because we beat no one good. Lost to ASU when the P12N was on the line and then shrivel-dicked ourselves into a L after being up 14-7 on Stanford with the ball inside their 20. Pedo beat our brains out. How are we not Kansas State?
WHAT NEEDS IMPROVING IF WE ARE GOING TO BEAT AUBURN: Offensive scheme (we should probably run it some), being fucking shrivel-dick betas in games against teams with talent (a/k/a be better on third down than them, lol, which will never happen).
PROGNOSIS FOR THIS YEAR: I see another Owen coming. Auburn is going to beat us by 20, Utah is most likely a loss as we tuck our tail, UCLA is the kind of game we always lose and then will our team have any fucking stones left after that or will we fold the tent? I'm sure Jake will rally us!
PROGNOSIS FOR THE PROGRAM: Strausser, Pease, Smith and to a lesser extent Gregory, Paopao and Bonapha forgot to stock the program. We will be competitive and good at places where we recruited well (this is a big shocker) whether it was by accident (RB) or on purpose (DB). But the lines are depleted because of recruiting mistakes/laziness/suck-factor and program mismanagement, we have a guy at QB that is not what I would call competitive and we have an offense that is shitty - yet, still too complicated to play young players at WR. If we get any injuries on either line, we are basically fucked. Good thing, too, because you really don't want depth on the lines. Not a lot of injuries there, usually.
WHY DID WE SUCK ON THIRD DOWNS?: Because ever since Texas '01, we've been losers and we still are. We are betas. We can do okay vs. teams we physically dominate, but any team that is physically equivalent to (or better than) us, we shrivel up. We haven't upset one team under Pete. We just get killed by decent teams on third down (on offense, too - great job vs. Stanford guys!).
WHY DID DB SUCK SO FUCKING BAD LAST YEAR, I THOUGHT JIMMY LAKE WAS AN ELITE COACH AND RECRUITER?!?: In Jimmy's defense, he got 7 DBs his first year here and 6 of them left the program early (Baker, Gardenhire, Hale, Jones, Lewis, Washington). Last year was probably the one year where we couldn't afford to have our top 2 CBs out for most of the season. As good as Jimmy has been recruiting, we are still recruiting guys that take a year or two to get going. Keith Taylor, Elijah Molden and Brandon McKinney will all be really good, but they aren't day-1 starter types like Darnay Holmes or Isaac Taylor-Stuart.
IS IT DISTRESSING THAT FOUR YEARS IN PETE'S BEST WIN IS AGAINST STANFORD AT HOME?: Fucking right it is. This year we have 4 opportunities for equal or bigger wins IMO: Auburn (it will never happen), UCLA (this is the kind of game we always lose), Stanford at home (can we win a game when it counts or will this be a USC '16 redux?) and a championship/bowl game.
IF WE ARE SO SHITTY DENNIS, WHY DO THE METRICS LIKE US SO MUCH?: Because they think a senior QB is a good thing and we are getting a LOT more talented this year (this is a big upgrade in talent as we are bringing in like 15 blue chip kids and losing like 4). If we are good this year it will be due to Bush making our offense make sense, keeping healthy (this is only a requirement for crap teams) and us getting some confidence against good teams.
TSIO
Comments
We beat up a shitty Colorado team. Offense scores 30 points for the first time on a P5 opponent! Woohoo.
That was a REVENGE game for CU
“Jack Lockner as a senior? Good luck stopping that!”
“Keith Price as a senior? Easily a Heisman candidate!”
“Jake Browning as a senior? This team can’t lose!”
Age ain’t nothin but a number.
can confirm
Jake Browning sucks until proven otherwise