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PAC 12 SEASON PREVIEW SPECIAL REPORT
RaceBannon
Member, Swaye's Wigwam Posts: 101,328
RACE BANNON ON THE SCENE
The annual Pac 12 Media Day took place this week at the Chairman Mao Center at Running Dog Imperialist Stadium in Beijing, China. The mandatory attendance was bigger than ever this year as millions of school children greeted Chairman Larry Scott to his adopted homeland of China.
Scott’s name in Chinese is loosely translated as Wat Fat Fuck. Scott was greeted as a hero for bringing decadent American Football to the Kingdom of Heaven.
“We hope to play all league games here in the near future,” Scott commented under armed threat. “The groundbreaking use of China TV times on the West Coast has really expanded the brand of the Conference of Champions in sports that no one cares about.”
Coaches and players from all 12 teams were in attendance at the big event carried on North Korea Television under an agreement made by President Trump. Dozens of North Koreans got their first look at real food as they tuned in.
Chinese President for Life, Wat A Scam, gave the keynote address. He struck a conciliatory tone as he promised to allow college football to continue under our new Chinese Overlords, who I for one, welcome to America.
On to the previews:
WASHINGTON
81% of the millions of Chinese media in attendance voted Washington as the clear favorite to win the conference and lose a play off game or major bowl. Head coach Christ Peterson really opened up for a change. Some gems:
“Is this a real question?”
“You mean like stars?”
“As we like to say, no”
Touchdown Jake Browning showed off his preseason Heisman and expressed regret that he wouldn’t be throwing the ball to Joe Ngata next year but joined us all in welcoming Joe to Montlake even though the UW isn’t in Montlake.
Prediction: 15-0, National Champs
USC
Country Legend Clay Helton begins his third and final year at USC with a 15 year old quarterback and a deep respect for Washington. That’s it. Helton is like watching paint dry only not as interesting. We sure miss the sizzle that Sark brought to USC.
OREGON
Strength Coach Feld was arrested and put in prison for “a public display of a graphic solo sex act” as the day got off to a rough start for Head CoachWille Taggert
Cristobal has taken advantage of the trip and given out one billion scholarship offers to Chinese High Schoolers.
CALIFORNIA
The media consensus has Cal last in the North which many feel is still too high. New Coach uh give me a minute uh Jason Wilcox promised a new look this year for the Bears with an improved defense and a worse offense.
“We are thrilled to be here in China” Wilcox noted “As many of you know, UCB has a great International Studies program and our graduates go on to do great things in House Husbandry.”
STANFORD
We should have mentioned them earlier but forgot about them as usual until they ruin our season. Head Coach David Shaw was arrested for an excessive amount of Smarm which is frowned upon in Chinese culture. Smart Chinese investors are shorting Washington and going long on Stanford.
ASU
Head Coach Herm Edwards joined Feld and Shaw in a reeducation camp after a stare down incident with a Red Guard.
“What are you looking at motherfucker” Edwards noted calmly after he was asked a question about why anyone would hire him as head coach.
Other than the annual win over Washington this looks like a rebuilding year for ASU. The 21st consecutive rebuilding year.
THE REST
No one gives a fuck about the Pac 12 and they really don’t give a fuck about the teams we have left out here. If we have offended any fans please rest assured that it was intentional.
Stay tuned for our Auburn Washington preview coming soon.
And as always, Fuck off.
The annual Pac 12 Media Day took place this week at the Chairman Mao Center at Running Dog Imperialist Stadium in Beijing, China. The mandatory attendance was bigger than ever this year as millions of school children greeted Chairman Larry Scott to his adopted homeland of China.
Scott’s name in Chinese is loosely translated as Wat Fat Fuck. Scott was greeted as a hero for bringing decadent American Football to the Kingdom of Heaven.
“We hope to play all league games here in the near future,” Scott commented under armed threat. “The groundbreaking use of China TV times on the West Coast has really expanded the brand of the Conference of Champions in sports that no one cares about.”
Coaches and players from all 12 teams were in attendance at the big event carried on North Korea Television under an agreement made by President Trump. Dozens of North Koreans got their first look at real food as they tuned in.
Chinese President for Life, Wat A Scam, gave the keynote address. He struck a conciliatory tone as he promised to allow college football to continue under our new Chinese Overlords, who I for one, welcome to America.
On to the previews:
WASHINGTON
81% of the millions of Chinese media in attendance voted Washington as the clear favorite to win the conference and lose a play off game or major bowl. Head coach Christ Peterson really opened up for a change. Some gems:
“Is this a real question?”
“You mean like stars?”
“As we like to say, no”
Touchdown Jake Browning showed off his preseason Heisman and expressed regret that he wouldn’t be throwing the ball to Joe Ngata next year but joined us all in welcoming Joe to Montlake even though the UW isn’t in Montlake.
Prediction: 15-0, National Champs
USC
Country Legend Clay Helton begins his third and final year at USC with a 15 year old quarterback and a deep respect for Washington. That’s it. Helton is like watching paint dry only not as interesting. We sure miss the sizzle that Sark brought to USC.
OREGON
Strength Coach Feld was arrested and put in prison for “a public display of a graphic solo sex act” as the day got off to a rough start for Head Coach
Cristobal has taken advantage of the trip and given out one billion scholarship offers to Chinese High Schoolers.
CALIFORNIA
The media consensus has Cal last in the North which many feel is still too high. New Coach uh give me a minute uh Jason Wilcox promised a new look this year for the Bears with an improved defense and a worse offense.
“We are thrilled to be here in China” Wilcox noted “As many of you know, UCB has a great International Studies program and our graduates go on to do great things in House Husbandry.”
STANFORD
We should have mentioned them earlier but forgot about them as usual until they ruin our season. Head Coach David Shaw was arrested for an excessive amount of Smarm which is frowned upon in Chinese culture. Smart Chinese investors are shorting Washington and going long on Stanford.
ASU
Head Coach Herm Edwards joined Feld and Shaw in a reeducation camp after a stare down incident with a Red Guard.
“What are you looking at motherfucker” Edwards noted calmly after he was asked a question about why anyone would hire him as head coach.
Other than the annual win over Washington this looks like a rebuilding year for ASU. The 21st consecutive rebuilding year.
THE REST
No one gives a fuck about the Pac 12 and they really don’t give a fuck about the teams we have left out here. If we have offended any fans please rest assured that it was intentional.
Stay tuned for our Auburn Washington preview coming soon.
And as always, Fuck off.
Comments
Lunch was to die for!!
I enjoy the Cal bit
NYBE