TBS Blahg 2/5 - Chris Warren update

Working the phones a bit this morning and wanted to pass along some twitter updates news on to you guys. Just a few things I'm reading on twitter hearing.

Here's my guesses at who signs with us. Overall, I think it's a good class but the sizzle is obviously just not there.

#donttwist #imaceo #thisclassdrinkslikeamerlot #ilikecabs #the2008turningleafisstunning #6monthsforthepriceof1extendedduetodemand #imnotsurehowdemandworks

QB Jake Browning, 5-7, 133, 2nd Place In Lynden Hurdling Competition. Has physical characteristics more likely to be associated with the average RISD enrollee than a D-I QB, but you can't keep taking Holy Grails if you want to be known as a guy who develops random band-geeks into NFL Clipboard Holders.

RB Myles Gaskin, 5-9, 209, 4.49. I'm not saying he's Bishop Sankey (actually I am), and neither is JCKevin.

RB Chris Warren, 6-3, 290, 5.4. Pull with mom is strong, Greg Lewis says he's in. I think we get him. Good thing, because JCKevin won't be pleased if we don't.

WR Chico McClatcher, 8.00 x 10^-26 kg, 500 m/s. Made up of only 4 carbon atoms, Chico is the first D-I football signee ever to require a scanning tunneling microscope to find him on the field; Only Stanford, Cal, CU and UCLA should be able to locate him with any consistency.

WR Quentin Pounds, 5-11, 166, 4.5. When you're 5-11 and 166, you have some exceptional physical gifts.

WR Isaiah Renfro, 6-1, 185, 4.55. Heard he's wavering and very intrigued by the Michigan State offer. Also, too many kids are named Isaiah these days.

WR Succubus, 5-9, 165, 4.5. Pac-12 defensive coaches agree, he's their favorite new Husky!

TE Michael Neal, 6-4, 215, 4.7. Name sounds like he'd be an R&B/Dance act from 1990. Other schools did offer him, though. Oh, wait, actually they didn't. Hm.

OL Grizzly Adams, 6-8, 283. Roams the woods slapping bears in the face and shitting in the mouths of wolverines. Best player in the class.

OL Jared "The Real Michael Jackson" Hilbers, 6-6, 279. The Real Michael Jackson, pictured here with Ben Burr-Kirven. The next Ryan Clady: STARS DON'T MATTER!!!

OL Henry Rollins Roberts, 6-6, 280. Sark said to a friend he had the best feet of any linemen he'd ever seen. Later confirmed that it was the only linemen Sark ever saw and Sark has a foot fetish.

OL Coleman Shelton, 6-3, 250. He's already on our team, but I'd just like to point out that this was a kid who wasn't recruited by any Pac-12 schools, then RICK FUCKING NEUHEISEL recommended him to Sark at the last minute as a hidden gem and Sark took him. Rick Neuheisel recommended a linemen to Sark late in the process and we took him. Now he's starting. God fucking hates UW football.

DL Ricky McCoy, 6-3, 294. Since only light-skinned DLs can be compared with light-skinned DLs, I'll say he'll instantly remind you of Elijah Qualls and hope you don't recognize that, while Ricky has a lot of talent, he is actually nothing like Elijah Qualls other than being light-skinned. Elijah Qualls clone. Big pick up!

DL Benning Potatoe, 6-1, 220, 5.3. I just can't keep "Won't Get Fooled Again" out of my head when I see his name. Though, I can't know at this point who should be signing it. @RoadDawg55, the Potatoe parents or Nick Holt.

DL Myles Rice, 6-4, 220, Hospital Gown Olympics Time N/A. Myles is the kind of name you name your kid when you think life is a soap opera. Odds of this kid being good are basically 0.

DL Jason Skorpios, 6-6, 252, Fast Enough. To be serious for a second, I think this kid is really damn good. #obligatorystanfordcomparisonbecausehesgoodandwhite

DL Bryce Sterk, 6-4, 229, 4.7. The Inaugural Graham Lasee "Under-or just plain not-recruited DL From Bellingham" Award Winner.

LB Tevis "@Tequilla" Bartles, 6-2, 215, 4.7. The leading man from the Vision Quest Reboot signed with us! #starpower #chacecrawford #obligatorystanfordcomparisonbecausehesgoodandwhite

LB DJ Beavers, 5-10, 195, 4.7. Physical specimen, dominant player in a great league. Offers from everywhere. We got lucky!! (J/K that's Shaq Thompson...)

LB Ben Burr-Hurr, 5-10, 155, 3 one-hit knock outs at jock parties in SacTo. After comparing his and Leitao's film, I felt like a guy who'd lost because he'd been outbid by one dollar on the Price is Right.

LB Kyler Manu, 5-10, 170, 4.7. Hits like a ton of bricks if that ton of bricks played in a league in Eastern Idaho and was hitting 5-7 white kids.

LB Justiss Warren, 6-2, 220, 4.8. Like @Auburndawg said, Pete proved he can out-recruit the big boys. This is just ONE example.

DB Austin Joyner, 5-10, 170, 4.5. The "Bishop Sankey they have to check him out in person to make sure he's tough" Award winner of the year.

DB Jordy LaForge, 5-10, 175, 4.7. Killing it in San Diego recruiting! Tony Gobern clone!

DB Ezekiel Turner, 5-10, 170, 4.7. The flawless scouting of Bob Stoops identified this kid, so, he must be good right? Looks like a band-geek.

LS AJ Carty, WGAS. It seems like 'long-snapper' should be some kind of 'donkey punch'-esque sex act, but I can't really think of what that would be.

Join the conversation and leave your thoughts in the comments!!!!