My Sabbatical: Why Did I Come Back For This Vanilla Bullshit?
Swaye
Moderator, Swaye's Wigwam Posts: 41,064
Been a crazy 6 weeks since I was last here. First, my wife left me, and took the dog. The second part really hurt me. I decided since I had a little bit of freedom, I should take advantage of my time off from wedded bliss. Like an extended hall pass, only the kind where she probably wouldn’t want to stay married no matter what I did anyway. So really nothing like a hall pass, but more like a separation. Well, that’s what the documents her lawyer sent me said. I could barely make sense of them I was so drunk when I got served.
Now when I say “left me,” I really mean kicked me out. But left me sounded better. So I lied. So anyway, I was sleeping on a buddies couch and I got to thinking…Orkin blows…I should quit that job and go fuck off for a month and then see if they will take me back after I get back and sober up. Seemed like a pretty legit idea, so I did it. So for like 3 days I just went to a bowling alley and got drunk every day. Possibly best three days of my life. Met a Mexican guy named Hector on the lanes. He appears to be some form of homeless and just parks himself in the bowling alley to get out of the weather every day. Cool guy. I am pretty sure we are best friends now. I bought him nachos twice. He taught me some Messican curse words. Anyway, one day Hector didn’t show up so I figured our special friendship was over. Went outside to look for him and saw him caught up in an ICE raid. Goodbye sweet prince.
Not much reason to hang around without Hector, so I struck out for Georgia to see if I could find Cherokee ancestral land to squat on. Never made it to Georgia. Driving down I-95 hit South Carolina and saw an enormous statue that reminded me of Hector. Turns out the statue depicted Pedro the Bandit, which I thought was pretty racist, yet cool at the same time. Plus many Messicans are criminals I heard, so I thought this all made sense. Anyway, so Pedro presides over an amusement park, restaurant and shops collectively called South of the Border. I decided to squat there when I saw signs for fireworks, which I assumed meant Injuns were around somewhere.
I ended up mostly sleeping in my truck out behind the dumpsters and living at the amusement park for like 3 weeks. I just played mini golf all day, except when it was cold. I ate a ton of Messican food at the food joint there. Got diarrhea a BUNCH. I also scored some good blow from a trucker, so that was nice. Found some showers and bought some flip flops from one of the shops so I didn’t get foot AIDS. I was hanging out in the reptile lagoon one day and I got the first text from the wife in a month. She decided she’d like to talk about things. I told her I was pretty satisfied with my new life at Pedro’s and the reptile lagoon. Well, she bribed me to come home and I am very easily bribed so I am back now. Still miss Hector. And Pedro the Bandit. And the mini golf. And this one legged woman named Linda I met who talks with a lisp and is pretty ugly, but very nice. So anyway I moved back in, got off the booze and smack, and got my job back at Orkin because very few people can be taught skills like I have – you know, spraying bugs and setting traps and other technical shit like that.
So I guess things are pretty much back to normal and I just figured all you degenerates would want to know what I’ve been up to. Anything going on around here? You do not need to tell me anything about UW athletics. I couldn’t care less. But if anyone got herpes or got outed as gay (besides HHusky) while I was gone I’d be interested to hear it.
Comments
wow, living your best life.
P.diddy is a fag and he was outed. That’s about it.
I've missed you. She will never love you like I do.
do you think he took it in the can or was he the giver? And do you think this coincided with the gay name change from puff daddy to p diddy?
if only you’d been able to do blow off a hooker’s ass. That would have been an adventure.
How were the nachos?
both.
Yes.
I wonder if biggie knew.
Vanilla Bullshit sounds like a band
To be fair, I did not go into detail about Linda, because she was ugly, but any port in a storm and all that.
Single, drunk, disfunctional Swaye is clearly best Swaye.
How'd you roll it at Pedro's place? I sure do miss my days as a bowler. Bowled in various leagues up to four nights per week in my 30s and traveled to wonderful places like Walla Walla, Yakima, Sunnyside, Bremerton, and many other fine cities. Mostly I miss the alleys alleys and the smell of 50 years worth of cigarette smell that never leaves your clothes. Also the homeless Mexican dudes.
I grew up on The Swaye Chronicles when I was a new fish here, the stories of Ol Red, and what's her face. Good tims. When he said he was getting married I felt like part of the Bored had died. Lone wolf, best wolf
Send pics of your peace pipe and mortars.
About a month ago I paid Derek $300 to change the fucking chincredible button after seven vodkas. Eventually I relented. People are even more hung up on it than I thought. and I don't want to destroy their little play world and be bored pariah numero dos after Hhusky. True story.
Worry bout u 😘😘😘
We got this white devil @huskyhooligan calling Mt Tahoma Mt Rainier. Other than that, Kalen DeBoer is recruiting Poland and I just moved to FL. No gator sightings yet, but I did eat some ice cream and befriended several stray cats along the way. Thinking about starting a swamp cult where I preside over a brothel of toothless southern belles and live in a sheet metal castle surrounded by a moat of alligators and snakes. My cat will drive me around in a hovercraft adorned with the bones of my enemies. Either that or the first integrated fighting league….Alligator fighting championship: Where man meets gator…You're the endangered species now BITCH!!! Or maybe just sell my feet pics to old chicks. Whatever works idk. The best thing about Florida so far is there's 93 octane fuel and it gives a nice buzz. Lots of bug genocide to be had here as well. Met a nice messican with face tats in Palm Springs that saw my bimmer and wanted to give me some freebees at his chop shop. According to him my brand new headlights were oxidized (lol no dumbass that's dirt and feces from driving through the storms in Cali). He had a sweet Charger, further proving that all people who drive those cars are crazy assholes.
Oh and one more thing. I've decided on what I will be called in FL. I'm going by Skeeter now, for obvious reasons. Vive el Skeeter ese!
At sheet metal castle I completely lost it. Took me 5 minutes to finish the last 5 lines. I'm ded.
@PurpleJ has agreed to host the Florida Chapter Hardcore Husky get together.
Stay tuned… ;)
I will entreat you with the finest bath salts at my swamp mansion!