Why Your Team Sucks - Seattle Seahawks

Seahawks fans have long cultivated a persecution complex, because of a lack of sports media figures kissing the team's ass. This does not take into account the fact that this team has ritually sucked, aside from a stretch in the mid-2000s when we ruled over a shit division. Really, we were just ignored because there was nothing worth paying attention to. No malice involved.

I thought we were finally done with that shit once we won the Super Bowl and national acclaim. But no, thanks to the renewed officiating emphasis on defensive illegal contact (which, let's be honest, is a direct result of the Legion of Boom), we get to climb back up on the cross and pound the nails back in. It never ends.

If you think soccer fans are insufferable, know that this city is home to the largest fan base in the MLS. To hear a Sounder fan explain the mind-boggling intricacies of "the beautiful game" is to experience the ninth circle of Dante's hell.

Richard Sherman's mom held an autograph signing session.

And fuck Jerome Bettis and Bill Leavy. Fuck the 12th man. Also, David Stern.

These fans whine about everything, last year, they thought the NFL was out to get them because they had five 1pm games on the East Coast. This year, the Hawk fans think it's a conspiracy because they have only 3 prime time games, and only one of those is at home. Heaven forbid no one feels like tuning in to watch a team run the ball 273 times and shots of Pete Carroll slapping someone's ass on the sideline.