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BennyBeaver
Member Posts: 13,346
Pull down your sweatpants, kick up your Crocs onto your Dads’ computer desk in your Mom’s basement; crack open an ice-cold can of Mountain Dew, here’s the TheGlove’s Technically-gifted Hardcore Husky Oregon State 2015 Preview.
TL; DR: OSEwe will suck this year, but what’s new anyway? New coach, new systems on offense and defense, new attitude, but it won’t make a difference. Same as it ever was in Corvallis, which in Latin means: “Losing the Right Way.” The new staff, lead by recently fired from Wisconsin, Terry Anderson, is transitioning to a 3-4 Defense and starting a true freshman QB. A real diamond in the ruff, 2 star from Loma Linda California, the next Mariota, Seth Cullen. That's just what I'm hearing so don't twist. Seth is a great athlete and runner but throws it like UW great Mylie Cyrus. So you guys will know what to expect. He’ll be lucky to survive half the season given his predilection to spin move inside linebackers and hurdle strong safeties.
Game by game breakdown, you can take these to the bank, or not. Either way it will be interesting and you’ll still be a looser.
Weber State- Loss (0-1) The Beavis's suck at home versus Big Sky powerhouses (see: Sac St. and EWU). The featured telecast in the Pac 12 Networks Friday night at 5 PM time slot, approximately 107 people will be watching on TV (three of them in my household) and attendance will be around 19,576 at thenewly recently half remodeled Beandip Coliseum. Weber State is no cupcake anyway, lots of Tuff Polys and they've had all off season to practice at altitude and prepare for their bowl game! Look out for Jack Lockner -killer Al Afalava's son, Jared. He’s bringing his lunch pail and is ready to rumble to make his Daddy proud and to prove to OSEwe that they should have offered him a scholly. I like to call scholarships “schollys,” it’s what I like to do.
@Michigan- Loss (0-2) Jimmy Harballs is tuff and one of the best coaches at any level of the game. This game will feature at least one close up of Coach on the sidelines with spit on his chin and veins bulging on his neck. On the road at the Big House? No In and Out Burgers in Ann Arbor and no fucking way the Beevs can win on the road, versus the B1G on national TV.
San Jose State- Loss (0-3) After playing @AFA in the altitude of Logan, Utah; Corvallis will seem like nirvana to this Mountain West Conference powerhouse. It will be ugly and not entertaining.
Stanfurd- Loss (0-4) Too big, too tuff, too smart for the inexperienced and intimidated fighting water rodents. No less than 4 of the Orange/Black clad ironmen will be stretchered off the field and take their medical retirement from football to be never heard from again. The Cardinals will prevail easily despite Coach Shaw’s predilection for crappy coaching.
@Arizona- Loss (0-5) This one will be close, but in the end OSEwe will have 6 turnovers to only 4 for super-coach and slightly autistic RichRod's offensive juggernaut. The dry heat of the Arizona desert will dry out my beavers and make them too sore for a couple of days. Headaches will probably ensue for weeks and weeks if the past is any indication of the abuse my beaver takes on this hot, sweaty night in Tempe.
@WSU- Win (1-5) Buckle your chinstraps for this battle of the Northwest Cow Colleges and always one of the most entertaining match ups of the season. Whenever OAC Coyotes head to the Palouse you can count on a real barnburner. Get it? There are lots of barns in and around the Wazzu campus! Tie up your oxen, pen the pigs, chastity belt your horses and lock up your sheep because the men of Corvallis are known to play rough with the farm animals. But seriously, the Coogs will throw it 92 times for 150 yards, never actually cross the goal line and only getting one first down on a Beev penalty. Leach is a retard. No really, he's actually retarded. Why does WSU keep hiring retarded head football coaches? wulfflookingretarded.jpeg
Colorado- Loss (1-6) Coach Ricky Schroeder comes to Corvallis with revenge on his mind from the screwing he got from the peerless P12 officials last year in Fort Collins and he gets what he thinks he deserves. In a game with a total of 26 turnovers, the Buffs narrowly escape with the “W” in a tilt that features 127 defensive points.
@Utah- Loss (1-7) Coach Anderman heads back to his home of Provo to face his longtime mentor and church elder, Kyle Willingham. Master bests pupil but it will be a slugfest. In a sign of sportsmanship, the coaches exchange magic underwear on the 50 after the game. Not a dry eye in the house.
Ucla- Win (2-7) The powder blue and tan fairies from SoCal get lost in the Willamette Valley wine country after drinking too much Pinot Gris while wearing Polo shirts, plaid shorts, topsiders and letter-man sweaters wrapped over their shoulders. Hence they show up just before kickoff, hung-over and sore from the previous night’s debauchery. Broon Legend Coach Jim Mora Junior actually kills a Ucla player with his bare hands on the 50 yard line after the game. Hardcore Huskies drool over this display of old-school grit and send Hugh Millen’s longtime cuddle buddy a truckload of homemadecakes pies cakes pies, oh who the fuck cares?
@Cal- Loss (2-8) Cal is still too high.
Washington- Win (3-8) In a battle of Northwest also-rans and teams in transition, the fighting flat tails take it doggy-style to the Mutts of Mountlake to the cheers of Boovs at Huskie Ballpark refraining “JUST LIKE THE OREGON STATE GAME.” Coach Peat fires his offensive OC, Johnathan “The One Shoe Babushka” Smith on the 50 yard line after the game and announces that recently fired from USC Steve “7 Win” Sarkdashian will be his new OC. Sven attends his first ever game in Seattle and is beaten to death for being annoying.
@Oregon- Win (4-8) Beat Oregon, nothing else matters. You can throw out the records when these two step brothers get together in the contest referred to as the “not so civil” War of 1812. Oregon, down to their 7th string QB, started a walk-on true freshman 3rd string kicker named Tate Knight at QB. While Knight was able to compile some very Mariota-like stats in the Blur offense, it wasn’t enough for the Webfeet to prevail. Coach Slingblade retired after the game, stating, “Losing to OS at Autzen Arena is like getting kicked the nuts, I know Commander Phil is going to send me to Vietnam to make Air Jordans so I’m getting out now before it’s too late.” With this win OSEwe wins the coveted Northwest Championship and stakes their claim as the team to beat in 2016.
TL; DR: OSEwe will suck this year, but what’s new anyway? New coach, new systems on offense and defense, new attitude, but it won’t make a difference. Same as it ever was in Corvallis, which in Latin means: “Losing the Right Way.” The new staff, lead by recently fired from Wisconsin, Terry Anderson, is transitioning to a 3-4 Defense and starting a true freshman QB. A real diamond in the ruff, 2 star from Loma Linda California, the next Mariota, Seth Cullen. That's just what I'm hearing so don't twist. Seth is a great athlete and runner but throws it like UW great Mylie Cyrus. So you guys will know what to expect. He’ll be lucky to survive half the season given his predilection to spin move inside linebackers and hurdle strong safeties.
Game by game breakdown, you can take these to the bank, or not. Either way it will be interesting and you’ll still be a looser.
Weber State- Loss (0-1) The Beavis's suck at home versus Big Sky powerhouses (see: Sac St. and EWU). The featured telecast in the Pac 12 Networks Friday night at 5 PM time slot, approximately 107 people will be watching on TV (three of them in my household) and attendance will be around 19,576 at the
@Michigan- Loss (0-2) Jimmy Harballs is tuff and one of the best coaches at any level of the game. This game will feature at least one close up of Coach on the sidelines with spit on his chin and veins bulging on his neck. On the road at the Big House? No In and Out Burgers in Ann Arbor and no fucking way the Beevs can win on the road, versus the B1G on national TV.
San Jose State- Loss (0-3) After playing @AFA in the altitude of Logan, Utah; Corvallis will seem like nirvana to this Mountain West Conference powerhouse. It will be ugly and not entertaining.
Stanfurd- Loss (0-4) Too big, too tuff, too smart for the inexperienced and intimidated fighting water rodents. No less than 4 of the Orange/Black clad ironmen will be stretchered off the field and take their medical retirement from football to be never heard from again. The Cardinals will prevail easily despite Coach Shaw’s predilection for crappy coaching.
@Arizona- Loss (0-5) This one will be close, but in the end OSEwe will have 6 turnovers to only 4 for super-coach and slightly autistic RichRod's offensive juggernaut. The dry heat of the Arizona desert will dry out my beavers and make them too sore for a couple of days. Headaches will probably ensue for weeks and weeks if the past is any indication of the abuse my beaver takes on this hot, sweaty night in Tempe.
@WSU- Win (1-5) Buckle your chinstraps for this battle of the Northwest Cow Colleges and always one of the most entertaining match ups of the season. Whenever OAC Coyotes head to the Palouse you can count on a real barnburner. Get it? There are lots of barns in and around the Wazzu campus! Tie up your oxen, pen the pigs, chastity belt your horses and lock up your sheep because the men of Corvallis are known to play rough with the farm animals. But seriously, the Coogs will throw it 92 times for 150 yards, never actually cross the goal line and only getting one first down on a Beev penalty. Leach is a retard. No really, he's actually retarded. Why does WSU keep hiring retarded head football coaches? wulfflookingretarded.jpeg
Colorado- Loss (1-6) Coach Ricky Schroeder comes to Corvallis with revenge on his mind from the screwing he got from the peerless P12 officials last year in Fort Collins and he gets what he thinks he deserves. In a game with a total of 26 turnovers, the Buffs narrowly escape with the “W” in a tilt that features 127 defensive points.
@Utah- Loss (1-7) Coach Anderman heads back to his home of Provo to face his longtime mentor and church elder, Kyle Willingham. Master bests pupil but it will be a slugfest. In a sign of sportsmanship, the coaches exchange magic underwear on the 50 after the game. Not a dry eye in the house.
Ucla- Win (2-7) The powder blue and tan fairies from SoCal get lost in the Willamette Valley wine country after drinking too much Pinot Gris while wearing Polo shirts, plaid shorts, topsiders and letter-man sweaters wrapped over their shoulders. Hence they show up just before kickoff, hung-over and sore from the previous night’s debauchery. Broon Legend Coach Jim Mora Junior actually kills a Ucla player with his bare hands on the 50 yard line after the game. Hardcore Huskies drool over this display of old-school grit and send Hugh Millen’s longtime cuddle buddy a truckload of homemade
@Cal- Loss (2-8) Cal is still too high.
Washington- Win (3-8) In a battle of Northwest also-rans and teams in transition, the fighting flat tails take it doggy-style to the Mutts of Mountlake to the cheers of Boovs at Huskie Ballpark refraining “JUST LIKE THE OREGON STATE GAME.” Coach Peat fires his offensive OC, Johnathan “The One Shoe Babushka” Smith on the 50 yard line after the game and announces that recently fired from USC Steve “7 Win” Sarkdashian will be his new OC. Sven attends his first ever game in Seattle and is beaten to death for being annoying.
@Oregon- Win (4-8) Beat Oregon, nothing else matters. You can throw out the records when these two step brothers get together in the contest referred to as the “not so civil” War of 1812. Oregon, down to their 7th string QB, started a walk-on true freshman 3rd string kicker named Tate Knight at QB. While Knight was able to compile some very Mariota-like stats in the Blur offense, it wasn’t enough for the Webfeet to prevail. Coach Slingblade retired after the game, stating, “Losing to OS at Autzen Arena is like getting kicked the nuts, I know Commander Phil is going to send me to Vietnam to make Air Jordans so I’m getting out now before it’s too late.” With this win OSEwe wins the coveted Northwest Championship and stakes their claim as the team to beat in 2016.
Comments
Also, Babush or no Babush, we are going to kill you guys.
And almost up voted for Sven getting a beat down. He must lead a miserable and pathetic life.
I proofread everything but the thread title.