Duckfighter Illustrated: We're Back Special Edition

WE'RE BACK!

NO REALLY!

THIS TIME WE MEAN IT!

UW TAKES UP DUCK FIGHTING AGAIN

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS

 

STEVE SARKISIAN SLINKS OUT OF TOWN UNDER COVER OF DARKNESS

RACE BANNON

We really and truly did not want him anyway. He was always a bit of an idiot with some grade and character issues as well. He didn't bleed purple and gold. He was unlikely to qualify. We have better options for the position. I think the AD knows a bit more about these things than some loser in his mom's basement with a boner in his sweatpants.

In a week that will be long remembered for the sheer shock value of things finally falling our way for the first time in a decade, Steve Sarkisian fired himself with an assist from the Rhodes Scholar who for reasons known only to himself, hired Sarkisian away from Washington saving Scott Woodward the trouble of having to find the balls to fire him and a few million dollars as well. Run on sentences will never go out of style even if stupid head gear will. USC, yes, USC hired a mediocre to bad Husky coach. Think about that for a second. Okay, times up. Here's the clincher - the Huskies then hired their first REAL coach since August of 1993. All in one week.

Michael Corleone kissed Fredo and jumped on a plane as the rebels stormed the casinos and the Half Brains started rounding up Doogs for a trip to summer re education camp. WE WON.

Alert readers will recall the timeline of doom since that fateful day when the recently departed Don James resigned or quit the Husky job and a series of interim bad hires spanning 20 years proceeded to destroy the program leaving those of us who like winning left to ponder which bandwagon to jump on to. Well we're back on the Husky Bandwagon now and if you won't let us on then will fight our way on. In fact, we're driving the bandwagon now. All those alleged Husky fans that cheered every bad step every step of the way are left to ponder a world without FREE PUB and kick ass pressers and lawnmower dances. And no access for junior high wannabe journalists.

Good thing that we're not bitter. It could have got ugly.

HEAD COACH CHRIS PETERSON INTRODUCED

RACE BANNON

As you may recall, we once had a little thing going for Jim L Mora who isn't a junior but is turning out to be a pretty fair football coach at UCLA. Naturally he was our first call for the sudden vacancy and when he hung up the phone on us the familiar despair set in as we waited for Pool P. Boy to hire some loser which as you may recall, has been the pattern for the better part of 20 years now.

Instead uber Athletic Director Sir Scott Woodward did what many had tried, but failed to do. He landed Chris Peterson who won 110% of his games at Boise State and had turned down numerous lucrative offers to coach prestigious institutes of higher learning. Peterson becomes the adult in the room for the Husky program and looks to restore intelligent recruiting and top notch player development. Two things missing for about 20 years here. Are you noticing a familiar theme here. The looming specter of a Stadium Default seems to have clarified the thinking among the upper campus when it comes to the cash cow, which is a sacred cow to us. We apologize to our large contingent of Hindu readers. We mean no disrespect with the cow stuff.

Petersen is also 2-0 against Oregon including a win over Oregon Legend and current Philly demi god Chip Hilton Kelly. Hiring a coach that can beat Oregon got us a Rose Bowl over a decade ago. But this time we're getting a real coach who we hope is here for years to come to build a real program again. Of course, if he fails, we'll be the first to greet his plane in the middle of the night and fire his ass.

I can't wait for September. The season isn't over. He doesn't need more time to get his own guys in. The future is now. Patience is for losers. ROOOOOOOSE BOOOOOOOOWL! TEQUILA!

DUCK EMPIRE IMPLODING BEFORE OUR EYES

MALLARD N. MOORE IN EUGENE

The end of the Heimlich era may be remembered for the 60 year old man who got out of his car after being pelted with snowballs and proceeded to kick the ass of the entire Duck football team. Who says Oregon has gone soft?

"I just ran it up the middle on them and they caved like little bitches" commented Eugene Mallard of Springfield.

Phil Knight reacted to the news of Peterson's hiring at Washington the same way Hitler reacted to Normandy. If it isn't on Youtube it will be. Knight was already upset that the Civil War went down to the wire against a team that Washington had dusted with a nice 62-6 run.

"Tell me again why we hired Heimlich and Petersen is at Washington," Knight screamed as he took a baseball bat to the Board of Regents at their meeting in the Hooker and Blow Center. "Who the **** is our AD?! Bring me his head!"

"Uh, sir, you are our AD"

"WHAT! Oh right, I am. Damn, cocaine is a hell of a drug."

The Ducks now head to the Alamo where history tells us everybody died. And smoked it all.

BOWL BLITZ

The Huskies won the Apple Cup and accepted a bid to the Hunger Games Bowl in San Francisco...the Cougs head to Albuquerque to play in the Sedona New Age Bowl...the Ducks get Texas and the recently deceased Mac Brown...Auburn curb stomped Mizzou to gain their bid in the National Title game...the last four national champions have come from the state of Alabama...it will only be five if Free Shoes University fails to be the juggernaut that they appear to be...by the time the game is actually played no one will care anyway...Ohio State kicked away their ticket with a shocking loss to Rose Bowl bound Michigan State...ASU remembered they are ASU and punched Stanford's ticket to the Rose Bowl for the second straight year...the first back to back Rose Bowls for Stanford since Ty won multiple Rose Bowls there...J. Winston was not charged with rape which is always a nice headline for the sport...there are like 30 more bowls but in the end even the parents of the players barely care about them...Wow, what a week...Go Dawgs...and we mean it.

Thanks for reading. Seasons Greetings. All that stuff.