DUCKFIGHTER ILLUSTRATED: THIS IS DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL BROTHER SPECIAL REPORT

SEASON OPENER ON TAP AT HUSKY STADIUM

CUOGS  NAB HISTORIC WIN OVER OREGON

LA SCHOOLS ENJOY A QUIET BYE WEEK

SEMINOLES ESCAPE WITH WIN

 

FOOTBALL 101

RACE BANNON

College football is man's greatest sport, as a great coach once said. A great coach who won many Rose Bowls while coaching at Stanford, this week's season opening opponent at recently remodeled Husky Stadium. Despite being man's greatest sport, there is an ongoing need to educate the generations on how this sport works.

Clearly, each succeeding generation of humans, and therefore fans, are more stupid than the preceding generation. That's why our music and movies were better, the beer was colder, and the weed was more potent. It's the circle of life. Don't hate me for pointing it out. That's what we wise elders do. It's how we give back to the community.

College football is played by males between the age of 18-25, depending on how many times they were red shirted in grade school by parents down south, or how many years they went on missions if they are Catholics. Sailing across the Atlantic Ocean to conquer the Aztecs takes a few years you know.

18-25 year old males are notoriously unreliable to begin with. But this group also suffers from being coddled and protected since Pop Warner days because they showed talent for throwing the rock or catching the rock or stopping the rock. Because they show talent they are also excused from the mundane tasks of school like getting educated and shit. When they aren't practicing their skills they are ******* the cheerleaders right in the *****. And doing coke and shit.

By the time they arrive at your dear alma mater they carry a sense of entitlement as big as all outdoors and an over inflated sense of how good they are since they have been told how good they are since they were eight and the coach who brought them to your dear old alma mater also told them that they alone were the vital link to a national championship.

Sure, back in the day the team was filled with hard working blue collar guys who you would want to marry your daughter. But integration is the law now, so your team, if it is any good, is filled with natural athletes who lack intangibles and need to spend more time in the film room. And so a natural chasm has evolved between the fan who is generally white, and the player, who is generally not.

Let's backtrack for a moment, you wouldn't really want the hard working, blue collar player anywhere near your daughter either. Let's get serious here. Roid rage and all that. You pretty much wouldn't want any football player near your daughter. Or any young male at all. They would be far better off with a mature man, say in his fifties.

Where were we? Ah yes, at halftime it was 14-0 in favor of SEC newcomer, Georgia State, and panic was erupting across the internets as Husky fans gave up and cursed the players and coaches and life itself at this alarming development.

Why did you expect the players to take this cupcake any more seriously than you did? Of course the coach is being paid millions of dollars to get the pampered stars to perform each week, but it just doesn't happen that way. If your coach can go in at halftime and light a fire under their ass and come out and go on a nifty 45-0 run you have something. And we do.

Chris Petersen is not Steve Seveninski nor is he Dan Hawkins despite our alarming headline to this week's issue.  Petersen can reach this group of entitled superstars in waiting because he is real and he does it his way and because he is real he gets respect from the players. The more you try to relate and be something you are not, the less respect you get.

Yes, it takes some time for the players to trust someone like Petersen, especially after five years of a self promoting phony who would lose the team each year. But with an even hand and a dogged discipline and a method that has won 96 games with only 12 losses, Petersen is well on his way to reaching his goal.

The recently deceased iDawg and I used to laugh on our podcasts (huh?) about how truly bad Husky teams under Ty and Sark would come out flat because they were overconfident. Year after year we saw it which only proves our thesis that actual results have nothing to do with players being over confident and soft and stuff. If anyone could reach this demographic and get results then we would have all sorts of great coaches in football. A quick glance at the landscape of college football, and the gallery of losers we have had at UW since James, tells us that there are far, far more lousy coaches than great ones.

You'll see this week as Petersen schools Shaw and the Huskies improve to 1-0 on the season. Settle the fuck down already.

UW 27, Stanford 17

Mallard N Moore, Troy "Cubby" Wadsworth III, and Rob Bobertson were all suspended from writing this week for various morality issues like domestic violence and obscene twittering.

PAC 12 REPORT

Oregon interim head coach Phil Knight took a long draw off his cigarette and mused, "Sure Pullman can be a tough place to play if you're some third rate piece of shit team but that's not who we are." Knight then angrily stubbed out the butt on the forehead of former coach, Mike Helfired.

"I expect better from our highly paid players" Knight fumed as he handed an envelope full of cash to the head official. The search for a replacement for Mike Helfired is underway.

"What the fuck happened? I was on the team bus" exclaimed a puzzled Sonny Dykes after Cal dropped its 15th straight Pac 12 game on a hail mary by Arizona who scored 36 points in the 4th quarter. Serious indeed.

Nobody was arrested or jumped off any balconies in LA as the two schools completed an uneventful bye week. Mora worked the Bruins hard while Sark worked the waitresses hard. Allegedly.

SEC SEC SEC SEC SEC SEC

Steve Spurrier took over the special teams after Vanderbilt had two touchdown returns on kickoffs...Nick Saban resisted the urge to kill Lane Kiffin after Bama threw the ball 60 times in a win over Florida and former coach Will Muschamp...Dan Mullins completed his audition to return to Florida by leading Mississippi State to their first win at LSU since 1991...Mullin was QB coach for Tim Tebow and now has the Black Tebow at MSU...Florida State overcame the loss of Jameis Winston but barely...good thing they were playing Clemson who got 17 points on 7 trips to the red zone and showed a remarkable ability to come up with ways to screw up...Gary Pinkel lost to Indiana...good news, bad news right puppy?

Thanks for reading. Enjoy the REAL season