Duckfighter Illustrated: The War is Over Special Edition

WE LOST

SARK SIGNS LIFETIME EXTENSION AT THE FOOT OF HIS NEW STATUE

EPIC PROGRAM DEFINING WIN OVER OREGON STATE (UNRANKED)

APPLE CUP WEEK (NO ONE CARES)

DUCKS REJECT ROSE BOWL BID

 

Move over Gil Dobie

Race Bannon, miserable and pathetic worst kind of Huskieei fan

"I intend to treat my detractors with kindness once they have completed re education camp and are ready to rejoin society," commented Steve Sarkisian as he inked the lifetime contract extension placed on Pool Boy's back calling for 12 million dollars a year, "and there won't be any more of this Pool Boy shit either."

A mere five years into his storied Washington career, Steve Sarkisian delivered a program defining win in the altitude of Corvallis with a 69-27 curb stomp of the truly horrible Beavers.

"We've arrived. We're at seven wins and we aren't stopping now." Sark exclaimed while researching future FCS opponents to see if there is a way to get to ten wins. "I never realized that Husky fans wouldn't care that we watered down the schedule and have at least four losses in league play every year I have been here including this year."

The Havana casinos remain open and Saigon didn't fall and Pol Pot is wearing glasses. Give it up. Husky Football is deader than Franco. And Franco is still dead.

Next up us an Apple Cup for the ages as two 4-4 teams battle for third place in the North Division and some completely worthless bowl invite. The Cougs are flying high which means they Coug this one and Washington wins rather easily.

Say

UW 65, WSU 37

Ducks avoid unwanted Rose Bowl appearance

Mallard N. Moore

"We dodged a bullet," stated DeThomas De La Anthony, the over rated speedster from So Cal and Oregon superstar and team spokesman. "We done been to that bitch in Pasadena already. El Paso sounds great to me. If we ain't playin for the natty we ain't playin."

DDLA backed up his bold words as he led the Ducks to a disappearing act in the desert as the previously woeful Wildcats of Arizona curb stomped the Charmin soft Oregon squad.

"We hit them in the mouth and they quit" said every future Oregon opponent except Washington who is busy trying to be as soft as Oregon.

It was a familiar formula as Arizona just kept handing the ball off and gashed the weak middle of the Oregon defense. Washington could have done that with Sankey, as the Husky coaches were crowing about before the game, but when you have the best play caller in America, running the damn ball 65 times won't get you noticed by Kirk Herbrstreit.

Phil Knight was unavailable for comment and the Hooker and Blow Center in Eugene was surrounded by yellow crime scene tape. No word on the status of Mike Helfreich, or even if he is alive, but clues indicate that his time in Eugene might be short.

Meanwhile in Philadelphia Chip Kelly continues to plan to ruin the Seahawks #MagicalSeason with a playoff road win over the 15-1 Hawks. Chip likes to twist the knife. Can't believe Phil didn't write the check to keep him. Arrogance trumped prudence on that one.

Next up is the Civil War. As we go to press it is unknown if the Oregon Superstars will show up for the game or not. Doesn't really matter. Oregon State is that bad.

UO 84, OSU 14

THE REST

In the one game I cared about the Sun Devils hung on to beat my Bruins 38-33...the Bruins trailed 35-13 at the half aided by another Hundley pick 6...the Bruins held ASU to three points in the second half but came up short twice late aided by more Hundley bad decisions...Greis from ASU was the player of the game, and maybe the league...the heat is turned up on Mora as he was unable to repeat his South Division championship...we dodged a bullet...third place baby... USC continues to deny that they will make the mistake of hiring Ed Orgeron...Florida continues to claim that they will make the mistake of keeping Will Muschamp...Florida State edged Idaho...Oklahoma State burned down Baylor's house...thanks for reading...next season is over