Duckfighter Illustrated: Special Teams Special Edition

SARK BLOWS GAME WITH INEPT COACHING

FIRE SARK

SPECIAL TEAMS BELONG TO THE COACH

HUSKY SPECIAL TEAMS BLOW

PENALTIES COST HUSKIES

THAT'S ON THE COACH

 

DUCK WEEK BEGINS UNDER CLOUD OF UNCERTAINTY OVER SARK'S FUTURE

Race Bannon, in Eugene for the game

The Husky charter plane touched down at the Arlington Airport at 5 AM. Pat Haden was waiting on the tarmac and called Steve Sarkisian aside to talk to him. Steve thought his dream was about to come true and he would be offered the head coaching job at USC. Instead, Haden fired Sark for his inept, game blowing performance against the Stanford Indians in Palo Alto Saturday night. President Obama noted that if he owned Stanford, he might possibly change their nickname to something that wouldn't offend Catholics all over the world.

A flushed Scott Woodward rushed to the plane to remind Haden that he wasn't the AD at Washington and as such, could not fire Sark. Woodward then gave Sark a 5 year extension and hefty raise for almost beating Stanford in a game in which UW outgained the Cardinal by 200 yards.

The positive aspect of the blown opportunity Saturday was that Jason Wilcocks won't have to wait too long to get his own guys in when he takes over for Sark next year. The Husky defense played excellent and Nick Price and the Husky offense never quit despite being hamstrung by an inept head coach / offensive coordinator in a visor. The kids played hard.

The big test this week is whether the Husky defense can overcome the four return touchdowns that Sark's special teams, who arrive at the game in a short bus, give up. It's one thing to go toe-to-toe with Stanford, another to identify the tricky Duck's play and stop it before its gone 80 yards for another score. Wait...Oregon just went for two again! Works every time.

Steve Sarkisian now needs to stop his whining and crying and prepare to actually beat Oregon for a change.  Get your shit together, coach, and score more points. Then you won't need to be such a puss about the officials. If you're going to compare yourself to Don James then you better hop on a plane to Birmingham and ask Nick Saban to teach you how to coach special teams you fat ******* loser.

"You know, I really don't wonder what that ******* Race Bannon has to say now" mused Steve Sarkisian while nursing a gin and tonic. "I'm pretty sure we all know. Thankfully my boss and other more appropriate websites appreciate a good moral victory. We're close. We just need to finish. We're going to put FINISH up in the weight room this week."  #ThingsLosersSay

Washington 10, Oregon in a row

 

HUSKY WEEK BEGINS UNDER CLOUD OF UNCERTAINTY OVER HELFREICH'S FUTURE

Mallard N. Moore, in Corvallis for the game

As Colorado scored again to take a 10-8 lead over Oregon, a clearly agitated Phil Knight leapt up from the massage table at the Hooker and Blow Center in Eugene and fired Mike Helfreich on the spot. A flushed Oregon AD, who we actually have no idea who that is, rushed in to tell Mr. Knight that he wasn't the Oregon AD and as such, he could not fire Helfreich.

"Yeah right" scoffed Knight as he finished the line off the hookers ass and prepared to do 90 on the 5 while tweeting the end of the Helfreich era.

It was a bad week for highly over rated tight ends in the Northwest as Rastafarian Jenkins appeared long enough to drop a key pass and Colt Lylera disappeared for good, resigning from Oregon with a couple years left on his guaranteed contract. The embattled Helfreich had no comment other than to muse that perhaps Colt had the flu.

The Ducks now set their sights on 10 in a row in this exciting non rivalry match up of one team that always blows the other team out by four touchdowns.

"And that better not ******* change" tweeted Knight as he drove off into the McKenzie River.

Oregon 10, UW in a row

What Else?

Gameday comes to Seattle along with the Cougar Flag that has been flying on the Space Needle...expect a lot of Duck fans as well...if we're lucky look for a riot to break out and for Tom Rinaldi's piano to be smashed and thrown into Lake Washington...Bishop Sankey's grandfather will make a live appearance...Tony Dungy turned down the USC job to spend more time with what's left of his family...Let's keep it classy this week fellow Husky fans...UW is a higher rated learning center so we have that going for us which is nice...Oregon is rumored to not win the right way...I'd like to invite all the Duck fans to my tailgate but a previous 5-10 year commitment at Pelican Bay prevents me from attending the game...Thanks for reading!