Duckfighter Illustrated: Season Opener Preview

HUSKIES WELCOME HAWAII IN HOME OPENER

The Washington Huskies meet the Hawaii Rainbow Sams in a rematch of the legendary 2007 game also known as This Should Have Been Ty's Last Game, which led to a bitter and political money grab when Why Is He A Bad President Emmert did not fire Ty shortly before leaving the UW to help destroy the NCAA.

In another dimension UW hired Jim L Mora in December 2007 and won 3 BCS Championships before Mora left to coach UCLA where he rubbed people the wrong way and imploded.

All of which brings us to the first game under new head coach Chris Peterson and his gaudy  92-12 career record at Boise Junior College built mostly on scrappy white guys who aren't edgy or Pac 12 caliber. I'm not saying he won't do great here, so don't twist my words.

There is a newfound excitement for Husky Football but that article has already been written this week. This veteran scribe is looking for a 50 point blowout win or concern will be justified. The Huskies will be missing suspended quarterback Cyrus The Virus Grissom. Swede Lindquist will be the starter for the Huskies. Swede is best known for his starring role on Here Comes the Brides.

Dwayne Washington hopes to overcome his well documented fumbling problem. Shaq Thompson opens his Heisman campaign. This game is not on the Pac 12 Network so you can actually watch it and it comes on after all the SEC games so you probably will.

UW 63, Hawaii 12

MIKE HEFRILCH OPENS FINAL SEASON AT OREGON

MALLARD N. MOORE

The Oregon Ducks welcome South Dakota to now older than recently remolded Husky Stadium, Autzen Arena in a game that will get outgoing Duck head coach Mike Helfriclch as close as he will ever come to any kind of a Mt. Rushmore unless you count the Mt. Rushmore of coaches who crashed a dynasty back to earth. Kind of a dynasty, if Stanford wasn't around. And Auburn. But still.

Phil Knight won't attend the game as he is in Philadelphia crying and pleading with Chip Kelly to come home to Oregon even though Chip is from New Hampshire.

Heisman candidate Marcus "Darren Thomas" Marriota will do great until a late season injury dooms the Ducks national championship hopes once again. Along with Stanford. And maybe Arizona. But still.

It has been a quiet off season at Eugene as the police blotter has been noticeably absent any Duck players, further evidence of the decline in recruiting under Helfrilhc.

 Oregon 23, SDSU 21

SARKISIAN ERA BEGINS AT USC

TROY "CUBBY" WADSWORTH III

Look Husky fans, I hear you snickering at the headline. Real funny guys. Sark is one of us, a legacy of the Pete Carroll golden years just like Lane Kiffin. Uh, well not just like, but still.

Pat Haden remains hospitalized at the Betty Ford Center. Trojan officials are checking to see if Sark's contract can be voided due to Haden being out of his mind on drugs when he hired Sark away from Washington, who seemed strangely uninterested in fighting to keep the 5-4 legend.

As we go to press we are unaware of who will be coaching opening opponent Fresno State. Maybe Pat Hill? But the young, sanction crippled, lacking depth, Trojans will take the field without excuse looking to open the Sark Era with a rousing win over the uh, what is their nickname anyway? But still.

THE REST:

UCLA's imploding Bruins take on Ralph Sampson's Virginia squad in a 9AM Pacific Time game that is always tough for the hard partying west coast fans to watch on TV...Cal travels to Northwestern in a matchup of great academic institutions who really suck at football...Portland State takes on the well coached Oregon State squad who are sure to get more with less this season...The SEC opens up with Texas A&M and South Carolina on the new SEC Network that every house in America can get...imagine that, Larry Scott...A&M lost 4 games a year with Johnny Football thanks to great coaching...allegedly...Texas opens up the Mack "Ty" Strong era with some serious molding of men going on down there...First Mack took the logo off the helmets...then the name off the jersey...then the network off the air...then in a move that was finally popular, he took the uniforms off the cheer leaders...It's another season of man's greatest sport and as you can read, DFI is already going downhill in a hurry...Thanks for reading :)