Duckfighter Illustrated: Saturday Night Lights


MORA IS PUNKING PETERMEN

KIFFIN SHOULD BE FIRED AT HALFTIME

AUBURN SEES THE SANDS OF TIME EVEN OUT

I PICKED THE WRONG YEAR TO GIVE UP WEED

 

HALFTIME REPORT

RACE BANNON

It's a crisp 68 degrees in the Inland Empire as I explore a new role for DFI by writing it in real time thanks to the miracle of the DVR. I decided to record the Husky game and the Bama game and detach from social media and the message board to watch some football while enjoying a nice Pinot Noir that drinks like a Pinot Noir. I'm basically drunk at this point as I have both games at halftime.

Earlier today Arizona State staked its claim to the rugged PAC 12 South crown by curb stomping Notre Dame in a nail biter that turned back into a blowout. You had to be there.

Meanwhile the tide of karma turned with a fucking vengeance on Auburn as the note came due for last year's multi miracle run to the national championship loss. The War Damn Eagles fumbled away the game twice in the last five minutes and Kevin Sumlin cruises to another 8-4 season with a NFL stocked roster.

As soon as that debacle was over I watched the first half of the Husky Bruin tilt as Bama and LSU warmed up in the bullpen. The Bruins were crisp and well coached and curb stomped UW 31-10 over  the first 30 minutes. UCLA does not suck which makes their two game losing streak to Utah and Oregon all the more damning for Mora, who still had his team far better prepared than Petermen for this game.

In the PAC 12 sometimes your defense is going to blow chunks and you need an offense. We have Cyrus the Virus at quarterback and have no chance. Petersen needs to be fired for sticking with a scared, clueless quarterback. My daughter could do better. (shout out to NFL Films)

I can't even stand to watch the fucking Huskies anymore. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

So I turn to the Bama recording to watch the first half and have my faith in humanity restored and I get Lane Fucking Kiffin throwing the fucking ball all over the field instead of running it down the throat of LSU who has the best pass defense in America.

Two Loss Les is running the ball and takes a 7-0 lead that turns in to a 10-7 deficit at the half after Saban pulls a gun on Kiffin and threatens to blow his brains out if he doesn't star running Yeldon. Can't wait for the second half.

But to let the recording get ahead I now have to watch the second half of the Husky game because I really don't give a shit about TCU, Kansas State, or Michigan State. It looks like the natty comes down to the SEC West versus the PAC 12 if ASU or Oregon can win it with one loss.

I'm smoking residue out of my pipe because I ran out of weed in March and am too lazy to get a green card or drive to Washington. A fresh bowl for the Bama LSU conclusion sounds great, but clear hearts and drunk eyes never fail. Or something.

SECOND HALF LIVE KIND OF.

Ok Mickens is like fucking kryptonite. Death to an offense. UW is moving crisply down the field, UCLA is imploding. Then a fucking trick play to the Mick. Fuck. You're not Chip Kelly so fuck off and just do what works you fucking fuck Smith.

Miles holds the ball and gets sacked. Water is wet. Field goal. Losers.

It's hot in the house. Hope you're freezing as you read this. 31-13 Bruins get the ball.

If it makes you happy it can't be that bad. Sheryl Crow 20 years after. My preferred time to discover artists. Our defense really sucks tonight. Really responded to losing Peters. Petermen has his work cut out for him. Fire his ass now and save the drama. Then why the hell am I so sad?

Actually getting a decent buzz. Washington football is dead and fucking buried. Probably forever. Face it friends, its dead. 38-13. Fuck.

Mora was the call in 2007. That was the last chance. We were right. Fuck you doubters and doogs. Just go fuck yourselves.

John Ross. 38-20. Mora implosion? WHAT DOES THAT ASSHOLE RACE BANNON HAVE TO SAY NOW??!!!

If Petermen can win the John Ross types he can win the team. Cornerback bitch till you toughen the fuck up. Give us a 3rd win.

Stop dragging my heart around. Get a fucking stop for once D. What a block by 35 on the Ross TD. Taylor Swift you belong to me. Bad call. PAC 12 refs - by the way the shit they pulled in the first half deserved the death penalty. Mike Ferrari even thought they were fucked up. She wears high heels I wear sneakers.

Bruins marching. Petermen concerned. Huskies are losers. White helmet fucking losers. Thanks Obama. Third and two stop. Hit that fucker till he bleeds. Field goal Bruins. Losers. Buffs tied with Zona. Huskies three touchdowns down with a functional retard at quarterback. I never boo the kids. Miles keeps the ball. When the fuck runs we move the ball. Run the DAMN ball. You too Kiffin you fucking moronic piece of shit. RUN RUN RUN

Shaq - like Donald Butler, wasted talent on  a loser. A lone winner among losers. We're getting nasty. Fuck those soft Bruins. RUN IT DOWN THEIR SOFT FUCKING THROATS.

Fourth quarter them - a cry from as far back as Jim Owens. Beat their soft ass with power in the fourth. Washington for the TD rather easily. RUNNING IT DOWN THEIR SOFT FUCKING THROATS. Down 14. Here we come bitch.

Bruins running it down our throat. Mora knows the formula. Man our defense is blowing huge chunks tonight. Feeny! 12 men on the field Washington Fuck Petermen. Get it to fucking gether. #24 has had enough. That's right, quit. QUIT Bruins. I really am in love with Taylor Swift's music. Does that make me a bad person?

Can't stop them. Pounded and grounded. Game over. Touchdown Bruins. Fire Petermen. What? Pass Interference on UCLA? Where? Wow! We'll take it. The game turns? Need a miss here. Going for it? Mora fucking stupid. Don't over think it Jim. Kick the fucking field goal and fuck the prom queen. Now the fucking choke artist decides to make one. Utah says you suck. Game over. Fast forward in case of a miracle and get to Bama second half. Fuck.

Now we run it. Fuck. Fuck. It's so fucking irritating. We suck for years and fuck. TCU dropping the hammer on K State. Yeah Miles, now you fucking play like a QB. Thanks. For nothing. Lost to Oregon, ASU, Stanford, UCLA. Just like Sark so fuck off doogs. Field goal. For fucks sake. We beat cripples. Tell your granny to watch out. We'll kick her ass.

MORA MORA MORA  rich, cool and 2-0 against Washington.

Time for the second half of Bama Fest 2014. Its 8:27 Pacific Time. Thought occurs to me that Oregon and Utah have been going at it for awhile. Don't fucking care. If Oregon wins the PAC and the natty its only because they fucking try unlike the soft fucking losers that killed Husky Football. So you throw money at Petermen. Big fucking deal. Win or go home. Or die. Win motherfuckers. Stop rooting against Oregon. I hope the choking fucking ducks win it all so the faggots at Washington will be forced to stop sucking dick and start doing what it takes to WIN. Or we are never ever ever getting back together.

Roll the DVR and Roll Tide.

Les Miles RUNNING THE DAMN BALL. Leonard Fournette, the next big thing. 10-10. Old school. Real football. Southern fried with an attitude. Oak tree you're in my way.  Bama ball. Run it or die, Kiffin. Bama passing and fucking up. Where's Pat Haden? Punt for Bama. Geaux Tigers. Les Miles isn't stupid enough to hire Kiffin so he must be smarter than Saban. I need to know I need to know.

Fourth and one. Go? Les time. In his own territory. Balls of steel. Got it! Man's game. QB hurt though. Don't do me like that. Face mask ripped off, no penalty, ripped knee.  Nope, QB back in the game.

Bama looks pissed off. TCU curb stomping K State. Urban Legend ahead of M State. Here comes my girl.  4th down and a punt. LSU surrenders. Bama ball


Hey Kiffin. HOW BOUT YOU RUN THE FUCKING BALL? First play incomplete pass. FUCK. Watch her walk. Every time it seems like there ain't nothing left no more Kiffin calls another FUCKING PASS! Punt from deep in their territory. Les is winning this battle. Yes, he is a great coach. We'd be damn lucky to have him. Leonard is a man. LSU wins this game.

Holy shit the replay of Oregon's first touchdown. Utah fucking stupid. Losers gonna lose.

LSU grinding the fucking rock down the field. Like water, relentless. Mid field. Third down again. Pass, sack punt. C'mon Les. Bama on their own 10. Under pressure. Yeldon RUNS for a first down. Well well fucking well Lane. Incomplete pass. Fire Saban.  Ohio State opening up on Sparty. Oregon up on Utah fucking stupid. Another incomplete pass and a fucking punt. Saban trying to kill Kiffin.

Let's go Les. Fuck Saban and his retarded monkey boy Kiffin. Five yard RUN on first down. Atta boy Lester.  Third and four and four minutes left. Butt pucker time. Dropped Pass cements the Heisman. Punt. Bama 75 yards from glory.

Three passes and a punt. For fucks sake its fucking irritating. Bull shit. Bama deserves to lose for hiring Kiffin. Fire Saban. Here we go Tigers.

2:40 left. 65 yards from glory. Incomplete pass. I got your picture. I need to drink this away. Third and three. Dropped Pass wins again. Punt.  99 yards from glory with two minutes left. Roll Damn Tide.

Urban Legend kills Sparty and Oregon.

FUMBLE! Yeldon fucking fumbles. Lack of carries plays a role. LSU will win. Two Loss Les is Alive! Oregon killing Utah. Season is crumbling before my eyes. Go Cavs! Tiger kicker looks like a choke artist.

Holy shit they are way over thinking this thing. 40 yards from glory for the choke artist. Les is lucky, they will make it. YES. LES.

50  seconds to save your job Nick. 50 fucking seconds.

12 seconds. Go for the win or try for the tie. Going. 10 yard line seven seconds. Now the kicker. Fuck. Whew. Overtime. DVR won't have it. Four hours and it won't be enough. Fuck. Personal foul my ass. Ruin the game already fucking refs. 2 minutes to black. LSU hitting like a ton of bricks.

So My Tide won in overtime. All is well. Ducks lead Utah as the 4th quarter starts by seven. Real time. Make that ten. Oregon will win. I am out.

Fuck off. Back - 30-27 Oregon. Will they choke this? Freeman is the real deal. RUN the ball and kill the clock. Oregon moving at will. Might as well go to bed. TCU and Ohio State won. Oregon could drop out of top four. Lineman hurt. Dixon's knee weeps. Offensive pass interference is this year's fad. PAC 12 refs confused. Water wet. Helfired confused. Oregon imploding? Nope. Touchdown Marriota. Say good night Gracie.

Fuck off.

Again.

Good night