Duckfighter Illustrated: Rose Bowl Rematch Special

SARK SAVES DROWNING CHILD

SARK PULLS FAMILY FROM BURNING BUILDING

TROJANS DESTROY TOP RANKED FRESNO STATE

DUCKS WELCOME SPARTANS IN ROSE BOWL REMATCH

POORLY COACHED HUSKIES SURVIVE BUT BARELY

 

TROJANS REASSERT DOMINANCE

TROY "CUBBY" WADSWORTH III

"I always knew Sark would lead us back to national prominence but I had no idea it would happen so soon." said a resting , restrained, and recovering Pat Haden from his locked room in the Betty Ford Center for the Criminally Reality Detached.

The new look Trojans severely beat Fresno State in a welcome change from the Trojans last game, a severe bowl beating of Fresno State under interim coach Frosty Mugg.

"I don't want to sit here and say it is all about me, but it is all about me," commented a humble Steve Sarkisian as he scanned the menu at Jimmy's, a So Cal watering hole noted for its intellectual wait staff. "I came here to win with Lane Kiffin's players and that's what we did. Just wait until my superior recruiting takes over. The sky will be the limit. Look, we're undermanned and still reeling from sanctions and SC did go 3-8 in 1991 but we are not about making excuses, we will play with who we have."

It was a challenging week for the Trojans as Sark had to leap over a tall building in a single bound to save a drowning child. Sark sprained his third chin while doing so. Sark also came under some harsh criticism from a former player who accused him of racism.

"That just isn't true," mused Sark on the back nine of the whites only Los Angeles Country Club. "Some of my best friends are black, like my caddie here."

Things get a bit tougher for the Trojans this week with a trip to Palo Alto to face North Division favorite, Stanford.

USARK - 34, Stanford 17

DUCKS WELCOME MICHIGAN STATE FOR ROSE BOWL REMATCH

MALLARD N. MOORE

Just so you know, Phil Knight gets to write the headlines for Oregon coverage in DFI thanks to a marketing agreement with Derek Johnson, who is well known for his money grabs. Oregon actually did not face Michigan State in the Rose Bowl last season. Stanford did. In fact, Stanford has won the last two Pac 12 titles.

Many people think that because the Spartans beat Stanford they can beat Oregon. They point to the burly nature of The 300 as being the type of team that the finesse, ok soft, Ducks usually lose to. That ignores the fact that Stanford was a good match up for Sparta. Stanford plays a game with which Michigan State is familiar.

Stanford is also familiar with Oregon and has learned to not freak out over the SEC speed that the Ducks unleash. Michigan State will be facing the Chip Attack for the first time. And they will do it in the unfriendly environs of Autzen Arena. They will be three touchdowns behind by the second quarter.

People also forget that the 300 all died in a match against Finland for the gold medal. Mike Heimlich wins the internet for his defenders and the nega Ducks will have to wait for the Stanford game.

Oregon 43, Michigan State 8

POORLY COACHED HUSKIES DON'T HAVE ANY FUN AND BARELY WIN

RACE BANNON

The Washington Husky players showed how much they miss the beloved Steve Sarkisian, who always let them have a lot of fun and always had them ready to play unless they weren't, by laying an egg against the Hawaii Rainbow Sams Saturday night at Aloha to Sark Stadium.

There wasn't a dry eye in the press box as several, well, three writers reminisced about the good old days under Steve Sarkisian. The legendary Sark, who always won 5 league games a year except for the time he won 4, is now at USC working on the ISIS crisis.

So the Huskies are stuck with the Church Lady, Chris Peterson, who despite a lengthy career at Boise College, doesn't appear to understand that at a major college you only suspend your starting quarterback for a half like they did at Auburn. Instead the Husky QB who shall remain nameless because we never bash the kids, played the second half and the Huskies almost lost to Hawaii. Just like Ty did. But we're not saying Peterson is like Ty. The aforementioned three writers are though. Their bitterness comes through like lemons when they talk about the new Husky head man.

John Ross III, or J Trey as the kids say, scored twice and won the day for the white and white, formerly the purple and gold.

As tempting as it is to curb stomp 12s, we ask Cyrus Miles to refrain from any further outbursts and instead be the starting quarterback and try to salvage a lost season for Washington.

It's so hard for me now, but I'll make it somehow, though I know, I'll never be the same, won't you ever change your ways, it's so hard to make love pay when you're on the losing end, and the Lemon Trio feels that way again.

Washington 56, Washington East 55

SEC I MEAN OTHER GAMES OF NOTE

Alabama overcame Lane Kiffin and held off West Virginia and the Mountain Mommas...Georgia crushed Clemson behind the Gurley Man...LSU spent most of the game in an inept haze before they woke up and realized that was a BIG team they were playing and then ran past them despite Les Miles, who apparently cost me a point in the pick 'em contest...California spent the off season as the target of mockery and silenced the doubters with a big win over BIG Northwestern...Mike Riley superbly coached the Beavers to a win over Portland Sate...Pretty much the entire Pac 12 won...other than Colorado...and WSU...but still...Rutgers is an early favorite for the four team playoff that you may have heard something about...Kind of a weak schedule this week other than the big Pac 12 games that we previewed...why not push away from the keyboard and take a walk with your two dads and gain some perspective.

 

Thanks for reading :)

 

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