DuckFighter Illustrated: Race Bannon Returns!

PROBATION SPECIAL

DUCKS GET THREE YEAR BOWL BAN

DUCKS LOSE 25 SCHOLARSHIPS OVER 5 YEARS

CHIP KELLY SENTENCED TO 30 YEARS TO LIFE IN FEDERAL PRISON

THAT’S WHAT WE ARE HEARING

NOT A PREDICTION

YOU NEED TO LEARN THE DIFFERENCE

 

Cheating Ducks Skate on Racketeering Charges

Race Bannon

The Oregon Ducks continued their winning ways by beating the rap on RICO Charges based on the corruption of the Bellotti Crime Family in Eugene. Federal Prosecutors wielded the two inch thunder hammer of Mark “He’s No Elliot Ness” Emmert in an attempt to bring the Cheating Ducks to long awaited justice for buying players and running a prostitution ring that laundered money from a drug ring that financed a numbers racket while supplying slaves to shoe factories across the Far East.

This is just what we are hearing.

Chip “SideTalker” Kelly was the only gang member actually convicted and is now serving a 2-4 year sentence in Philadelphia where he is living it up like a Crime Boss and is said to be making several million dollars over the life of his sentence. Kelly was the worst witness ever to appear before the committee. He is banned from college football for life or until Phil “Shoes” Knight wants him back in Eugene. Mike “The Mediocre” Bellotti continues to claim he is tanned, rested, and ready but sources indicate that Mark “How the Fuck Do You Spell My Name” Heflicher is the new boss of bosses not named Phil “Shoes” Knight in Eugene.

Duck players celebrated by cruising up and down the 5 at 150 miles per hour while smoking it all. Then they prepared to win their 10th straight Pac 12 title even though they didn’t actually win it last year, but that’s what we are hearing so learn the fucking difference already or you’re gone.

Husky Coach Steve Sarkisian was in Stockholm working on his syndrome and looking forward to being Heiferditch’s new prison bitch this fall at recently remodeled Todd Turner Field at Pool Boy Stadium.

“House money, bitches” shouted Sark as he made it rain at a Gay Bar celebrating Gay marriage like we are all supposed to or we have to pay $75,000.00 to David Stern. No homo. We’re hearing that Sark may come out in an attempt to keep his job since no one would fire the first openly gay coach since Chip Kelly.

7-6 for a special 2013. Go Heat, beat the Spurs.

WE ARE VINDICATED!

Mallard N. Moore

Arab Spring broke out in Eugene as mobs of angry Duck fans slit the throats of all their enemies to celebrate getting off the hook for rampant cheating in football, basketball, track, and softball. Duck players celebrated by cruising up and down the 5 at 150 miles per hour while smoking it all. Then they prepared to win their 10th straight Pac 12 title even though they didn’t actually win it last year, but that’s what we are hearing so learn the fucking difference already or you’re gone.

Here come nine in a row.

ODDS AND ENDS

I still can’t believe Sark blew the Apple Cup…What a fucking loser…sources say that 2013 won’t be special after all…We never actually predicted that it would be…it was what we were hearing…you have no idea of the damage that Gil Dobie did…NBA pre season camp is only a couple months away…Three Peat…Heat.