DUCKFIGHTER ILLUSTRATED: PRE SEASON SPECTACULAR 2014

Q AND A WITH RACE BANNON

Q - DID THE SEAHAWKS REALLY WIN THE SUPER BOWL?

There are rumors that Wikipedia has a page devoted to this but we all know how accurate Wikipedia is. I mean, next you'll be asking if pot is legal in Washington now. I guess the off season is the time for silly questions and speculation.

Q - NO REALLY, THE SEAHAWKS DID WIN THE SUPER BOWL. AND POT IS LEGAL

Is that a question? Alright, I did some research and the Hawks did win the Super Bowl. And flying pigs were spotted smoking legal weed in the Kingdome. It's about time the Hawks took advantage of being the only game in town. The Huskies dropped football after the 2002 season leaving the Hawks as the only major sports team in Seattle. Rumors continue that Seattle is in line for a Major League Baseball team but no one gives a fuck about baseball. The NBA is on the upswing but you don't actually need a franchise to enjoy it. The Miami Heat Cleveland Cavaliers will be on TV 3 times a week and none of the other teams matter. Especially the Spurs and their South American Euro trash floppers.

Q - CAN MANNING AND THE BRONCOS PUT THE ASS KICKING THEY GOT BEHIND THEM?

Isn't this supposed to be about college football? My sources in Denver tell me that Pat Bowlen has already forgot all about the Super Bowl.

Q - IS CHRIS PETERSON ON THE HOT SEAT?

Husky fans have been amazingly patient with Peterson, probably because most of them don't realize that the Huskies are playing football again. But this is the year Peterson has to beat Oregon or it only makes sense for the Huskies to consider a change in head coaches. How many years is he going to get anyway? He has had plenty of time to recruit his way out of the mess that Rick Neuheisel left behind. Certain websites are already criticizing him a great deal. The heat is on.

Q - CAN THE HUSKIES WIN 9 GAMES THIS YEAR?

A spastic monkey with a beer gut and a womanizing problem can win nine games these days with the dumbed down schedule that Todd Turner Pool P Boy is giving us these days. The Huskies could win 9 and lose to Oregon, Stanford, UCLA and ASU. And lose the bowl game. That isn't good enough or at least it wasn't before the Huskies dropped football after the 2002 season.

Q - OTHER THAN OREGON WHO DO THE HUSKIES HAVE TO BEAT THIS YEAR?

The other 12 teams on the schedule would be my guess. UW hasn't beat ASU since Saddam was flying planes filled with his WMDs into the World Trade Center. And they have to stop losing to Arizona every other year. Can't we get back the Pac 8? These Arizona schools are a waste of time. Oh yeah they have to beat Stanford so they can win the North. Can't Stanford just go back to being Stanford? Who loses the Rose Bowl to Michigan Fucking State?

Q - YOU WERE A BIG MORA GUY - HOW ABOUT THE MATCHUP AGAINST UCLA?

I have no idea what you are referring to. Jim Mora is sloppy and just the kind of coach that a detail orientated, perfectionist disciplinarian like Chris Peterson should own. UW should easily whip the Bruins twice, including the title game for the Pac 8 crown and a berth in the NFL Playoffs.

Q - SO YOU DON'T SEE OREGON REPEATING AS PAC 12 CHAMPS?

People forget that Oregon hasn't won the Pac 12 the last TWO years because Phil Knight pays a lot of money to make sure that people forget that. In  fact Oregon has only won 4 titles since the 1994 season when Rich Brooks completed his 17 year plan to lose the Rose Bowl. And you need to remember that Chip Kelly isn't walking through that door with his life partner anytime soon. He is in Philadelphia now and Oregon has Mike Hemluch who needs to go ahead and start going 8-4 every year already. It is his destiny.

Q - CAN WASHINGTON GO 16-0 AND WIN THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF?

Of course they can and you can watch it with flying pigs while smoking legal pot at the Super Bowl as the Seahawks go back to back.

Q - WILL THIS BE THE BEST ISSUE OF THE YEAR?

Yes. I am bored already. How can you expect me to be entertaining and witty week after week when I don't get paid?

PAC 12 NOTES

USC has a new coach...lol...Pat Haden better keep his parking spot at the airport to meet the team plane...Steve Sarkisian says he probably shouldn't have lied his ass off on the radio the morning that he left the Huskies to go to USC where he is in line to get fired when he steps off the team plane...Husky fans don't care because they are just thrilled that someone was stupid enough to hire him and take him off our hands...for the first time since Don James, the Huskies have a real football coach...Colorado and Utah are rumored to still be a part of the Pac 12...Pat Bowlen can't remember the last time the Buffs were relevant...Mike Leach is still coach of the WSU Cougars who are building their season around the Apple Cup as always...Oregon State will win some and lose some but be well coached all the way by a guy who does more with less...Jim Mora is running out of hard ass Neuheisel recruits and now will need to win on his own...Mora was on local Atlanta radio and said he would leave the Bruins in the middle of the National Championship game to take the Falcon's job...ASU will do less with more...Arizona is Arizona...NOGAF...Seriously, enough with Stanford already...Oh yeah, Cal...lol...

AROUND THE NATION

Excitement is building around the SEC as fans speculate on which four SEC teams will make the initial ESPN National Playoff...As of now, DirecTV has no agreement to carry the SEC network...Invading Russia while engaged in a bitter war with the western powers seems like a good idea compared to this...These aren't Pac 12 volley ball fans DTV...buckle your chin strap...Alabama coach Nick Saban signed a 12 year extension at 100 million dollars a year despite coming off a horrible 2 loss season that included a loss in a consolation bowl to Oklahoma...THAT WAS A REAL BOWL!!!!!...said Bob Stoops...Oklahoma is the favorite to win the Southwest 10...Stoops is itching for a rematch with Chris Petersen, who beat him in a consolation bowl some years ago...College Football is your team and the SEC and nothing else matters...and your team likely doesn't matter either...thanks to all the clamoring for a REAL playoff the entire college football landscape outside of the state of Alabama is one giant consolation bowl...at long last we have made college football just as bad as the NFL...let's  pack our consolation bowl with some legal weed and listen to Neil Young instead. Or make like Pat Bowlen and forget the whole thing.

PLAYOFF PREDICTION

SEMI FINALS

ALABAMA 27, LSU 12

WASHINGTON 33, AUBURN 31

FINAL

WASHINGTON 45, ALABAMA 42

"Once we weren't playing Auburn the final just seemed like a consolation championship game to us" - Nick Saban

 

No actual memory care patients were injured in the filming of the cheap shots at Pat Bowlen. if we offended anyone we apologize. Of course we knew that we would offend lots of readers so why would we apologize? That makes no sense. What happened to just being offensive for the sake of being offensive? We should stand proud and own our offensiveness. Unapologetically offend as many as we can offend while staying within the boundaries of modern thought control. I mean we aren't going to offend any gay people that's for sure. We could lose our jobs.