Duckfighter Illustrated: Post Season Special Edition

STIRRING BRUIN COMEBACK AT NEBRASKA

HELFRICH’S JOB “HANGING BY A THREAD”

BAMA OUTLASTS ATM

TROJANS BLAST BC BEFORE EMPTY COLISEUM

 

BRUINS STORM BACK FOR WIN

Troy “Cubby” Wadsworth III

The classy Nebraska fans rose as one to give the 1991 Huskies a standing ovation as they left the field with the 2013 UCLA Bruins. The 1991 Huskies were there as guests of Jim L. Mora, the superstar Bruin coach with the quiet demeanor and unflappable presence. The Bruins spotted the Huskers a 21-3 lead before running off 38 straight points to hand Bo Pellini his worst loss since the Holiday Bowl debacle against Washington State.

The Bruins were playing for a fallen teammate but we really don’t do those types of angles here. Our piano is broken. The Bruins won a football game by making key in game adjustments on defense to shut down the Corn Attack and then ran over the White Flag defense with superior offensive line play.

I had a chance to sit down with the legendary Bruin coach to talk about the big win.

“Coach a big win for the program after a tough week, your thoughts?”

“If you ever talk on your phone again while I am giving thoughts and prayers to the family of a fallen player I will RIP YOUR HEAD OFF YOUR BODY AND **** DOWN YOUR HOLE!!!!11!”

“Sorry coach, please go on.”

“DON’T TELL ME TO GO ON! DON’T! I DON’T HAVE TO GO ON! **** YOU!”

The placid Mora, who is called Mr. Spock around the football facility due to his lack of emotion and coldly logical approach to life, prepares to lead the Bruins against New Mexico State this week in a BCS Championship Game preview.  That is assuming that he doesn’t implode first.

CONTROVERSY ERUPTS IN EUGENE

Mallard N. Moore

Mark Helfrich took a page from Chip Kelly and tried to be a smart ass dick at his post-game presser and found out that it works a lot better being a smart ass dick if you have 4 straight BCS Bowl appearances. Helfrich left the impression that Philly Lyla, the second best tight end in the Northwest was left off the roster for the game last Saturday for reasons other than illness which cost the one tight end in the Northwest that isn’t overweight and out of shape a chance to play. Lyla blasted Helfrich in a presser held at the Hooker and Blow Center in Eugene.

Sources close to Phil Knight have no comment on the status of Helfrich in light of the disappointing 59-10 win over SEC power Tennessee. The inability of Oregon to crush teams is starting to wear thin among the faithful bandwagon fans. Oregon has a bye this week and will start preparing for Alabama.

HUSKIES PREPARE FOR POST SEASON PLAY

Race Bannon

The Washington Huskies ended the season with a rousing 34-24 win over Duck Butkus and the Fighting Illini of Illinoi(s). Bishop Sankey ran for 205 yards and Keith Price was well spoken as ever in his post-game press conference as the Huskies held on after nearly blowing a 31-10 lead. Head coach Chip Sarkisian said the team has plenty to work on as they prepare for post season play.

“Obviously nothing is my fault but I felt the players and some of the assistants got a bit giddy after we got the big lead. Fortunately I was able to overcome the failure of my staff and save the day all by myself.” pointed out the humble Husky head man.

“IT’S MY OFFENSE AND MY DEFENSE TOO!”

The Huskies hit the road for a scrimmage against the Idaho State Vandals at the Kibbie Dome in Pullman. Since I have DirecTV I won’t be watching the game. Larry Scott is costing the Pac 12 valuable publicity by not giving me media credentials. Look for the Huskies to keep it close early before the veteran Vandal squad runs away from the eternally young Huskies.

Idaho State 35, UW 17

DOT DOT DOT

The WSU Cougars improved to 2-1 after beating Southern Utah State School for the Blind…they now prepare for the Apple Cup…they overcame a 43 point deficit in the final 10 seconds last year…You don’t give Nick Saban two weeks to prepare and run up 600 yards and 42 points on his defense…maybe you do but Bama ended up with 49 points…Bama now takes the rest of the year off to prepare for Oregon…Michigan survived Akron…ASU cheated Wisconsin…Cal chose to lose to Ohio State giving the Big 14 its only win over the Pac 8 this weekend…Oregon State crushed Utah in overtime giving Mike Riley a great chance to lose 4 games again this year…the game of the week is ASU v. Stanford on a network we can actually watch…USC beat BC in a game that nobody watched…as always, thanks for reading…next week we unveil our higher level of discussion DFI where never is heard a discouraging word…Phil Bleenor checks in to report that the 1991 Huskies won the National Championship.