Duckfighter Illustrated: Myles Jack Special Edition

MYLES JACK NEGOTIATES TREATY WITH IRAN

MYLES JACK FIXES OBAMACARE WEBSITE

MYLES JACK SAYS IF YOU LIKE YOUR HEALTHCARE PLAN YOU CAN KEEP IT AFTER ALL

MYLES JACK CLOSE TO CURE FOR CANCER

MYLES JACK LEADS HEISMAN RACE

MYLES JACK ELECTED TO NFL HALL OF FAME

WE DIDN'T WANT HIM ANYWAY

Race Bannon

Jim L. Mora, the amazing imploding coach of the UCLA Bruins just did something that Steve Sarkisian has been unable to do, win a game in the state of Arizona. It was the Bruins first win at Tear Down Stadium in Tucson since 2002. Leading the way for the Bruins was two way star, Myles Jack of Bellevue High School in Atlanta, Georgia.

Myles led the defensive charge and then rushed for 162 yards on one carry while catching three touchdown passes that he threw to himself. He also kicked off and lined the field before the game. Jack was a lightly recruited project out of high school who would be buried in the depth at a real school like Washington. Jack needed lots of time to develop which is why he is barely a Freshman All American and likely PAC 12 Defensive Player of the Year as a true freshman.

Sources close to the Husky program pointed out that Atlanta isn't a hotbed of recruiting for Washington and the kid was kind of an idiot who has some issues that will be seen soon enough when his coach implodes. Don James missed on kids from Bellevue High. I suppose you would have fired him too.

"We're happy that we were able to stay in the PAC 12 South race with a hard fought win over a great Arizona team on the road where a lot of coaches perform poorly," commented Jim L. Mora as he reminded reporters that he isn't a junior. "We have to maintain our focus this week and not get caught looking ahead to the two real teams we have left on the schedule."

The Washington Huskies come to the storied Los Angeles Coliseum this week for a rare Friday Night Lights game televised nationally on a  network that DirecTV carries. We missed the UW Colorado game because Larry Scott continues to over value his basically worthless network that shows 59-7 blowouts between teams that have fallen off the face of the earth thanks to Rick Neuheisel who built a monster program at UCLA that Jim L. Mora is in the process of imploding. I know that sounds like a bunch of complete and utter nonsense and it actually is but it's been a long decade plus of inanity around these parts and every doog will have its day.

Because REAL God hates us look for UW to win this game proving conclusively that we dodged a bullet and need to not change horses in midstream but just go ahead and fucking drown already. *gurgle*

UW 34, UCLA 17

COACHING SEARCH UNDERWAY IN EUGENE

MALLARD N. MOORE

Neil Young's "Don't cry no tears around me" blasted from the sub sonic music array at the Hooker and Blow Center in Eugene as the wounded Ducks of Oregon gathered around to watch the ceremonial execution of failed Head Coach Mike Helreich as he was baptized by fire wielded by Phil Knight who was in the throes of a jagged cocaine binge following yet another disastrous loss that keeps the current tally of National Championships at UW 1/2, Oregon Zero.

"************ what the **** do I have to ******* do to win a ******* championship up in this bitch" screamed the near catatonic Knight as he threw the burning corpse through the plate glass window overlooking the new multimillion dollar waterfall at continually remodeled Autzen Arena.

Oregon will have to settle for a 5th straight BCS bowl. Stanford will win the PAC 12 but not get a shot at the Natty. Same as it ever was.

THE REST OF THE BEST

Lynard Skynard's "Sweet Home Alabama" rang out over Crimson Tide Stadium in a pre game tribute to Neil Young as the Tide washed away Les Miles' Bayou Bengals and cleaned up in a 38-17 thriller that shows what a real college football atmosphere looks like. Southern man don't need him around anyhow...I hope Neil Young remembers...Florida State punched their ticket to the BCS Championship game with a season ending win over Wake Forest...Will Muschamp wishes he had taken the Washington job where his pathetic record that is going to get him fired at Florida would have got him a statue on Montlake...Mac Brown quietly remains unbeaten in Big Beebee play...Baylor looked like Oregon except they beat a physical Oklahoma team...Ohio State remains on the outside, looking in...Timothy Leary is still dead...the rest of college football has joined in with Washington in ending the season early...Bama v Florida State sometime in March...nothing else matters...thanks for reading....not really.