By Race Bannon
F'ING FIGHT ON IN LA
HUSKIES OPEN ON ROAD AT BOISE
VERNON ADAMS ERA OPENS IN EUGENE
PRETTY SURE WSU PLAYS SOMEONE THIS WEEK
2017 SEASON PREVIEW – SPOILER ALERT – IT WILL BE SPECIAL
PETERSEN LOOKS TO BUST THE BRONCOS
The only thing more tired than Husky Football over the last 12 years is this magazine. If it weren’t for the fabulous salary I get I wouldn’t even do it. Thanks to all who participated in Derek’s latest money grab – all the money went to me.
Washington opens the season as a big underdog to a junior college team whose coach we stole. Yet another indication of the monster program that Pool P. Boy is building at Washington. Knowing that Husky fans love defense he hired an alleged offensive coordinator and a trick play gimmick offense guy for head coach with his two shots at making a good hire.
I’m not saying that Chris Petersen will fail here so don’t twist. I am saying that Steve Hic* Sarkisian did fail here.
The Huskies then return home to Pan Am Stadium to play another truly horrible non conference schedule at a half filled stadium at 11AM on a network that no one gets. And people actually wonder why we drink more than Cutty Sark.
Since it is the opener and it is on TV on Friday night on a real station I do have some anticipation of the first fresh bowl and bottle of gin of the season. Weed is legal in Washington so let’s just say that’s where I am. We will probably lose and probably suck again. Whatever.
Donkeys (lol) 34, UW 17
VERNON ADAMS COUNTS TO THREE
MALLARD N. MOORE
Faced with a daunting and rigorous examination to graduate from Eastern Washington, the Stanford of the Northwest, Vernon Adams showed all the pluck and confidence contained in his 5 foot 7 inch frame and boldly counted to three. He only got one wrong and therefore passed with a 67% test score, one of the better ones on the Serious About Football Ducks’ team.
Oregon opens up at No Naming Rights Autzen Stadium against Vernon’s old team, the Screaming Eagles of Eastern Washington. Early money is coming in on a torn ACL over a severe concussion for the former Eagle QB.
Oregon is coming off another first runner up finish and is once again among the nation’s elite.
SARK IS TANNED, RESTED, READY, AND REHABBED
DR. DREW SHADEL
A buoyant Steve Sarkisian bounced onto the stage and off the wall and proceeded to say all the opponents that he has never beaten “suck”. A quick “f'ing fight on” and he was gone. No warning, just gone.
The moral of the story is – don’t hire a booze hound who can’t win more than 5 conference games in 5 years of trying. Or don’t mix booze and pills. Your choice. Personally most fans need to mix booze and pills and I expect that Trojan fans will understand once the season unfolds and now Nine Win Steve finds a way to not win the South Division and gets fired along with Pat Haden at the end of the Santa Monica Pier as they are thrown into the surf to drown together as they journey to Valhalla.
Long time readers know that future issues will only get worse so enjoy this one…Bama takes on Wiscy at Jerry World…I like My Tide in this one…Michigan opens the Harbaugh era at Utah…I like the crazy dude in this one…never fight a crazy dude…they are crazy…Ohio State travels to Blacksburg to take on the Hokey Virginia Tech team…please no more racial crap…Urban Legend will get his revenge…there are certainly many more games this weekend.
Thanks for reading!