DUCKFIGHTER ILLUSTRATED: I WANT MY DADDY SPECIAL EDITION

USC AND STANFORD SET FOOTBALL BACK SEVERAL DECADES

OREGON OBLITERATES MICHIGAN STATE

PETERSEN BURNS BRIDGES

SEEKING PERFECTION: WSU 2014

 

TZM ACQUIRES LEAKED TEXTS

> watch u doin?

> at the game

> u busy? miss u

> working now rnt u?

> lonesome without u ):

> should i cum over?

> plz do. refs are doggin me. need help

> stay cool on my way

> thank u daddy!!!!111!!!

PAC 12 REPORT

RACE BANNON WITH SPECIAL REPORTS FROM TROY "CUBBY" WADSWORTH III AND MALLARD N. MOORE

The glare of the Autzen Arena sun off the metallic helmets and highlighter uniforms of the Oregon Ducks obscured an ugly truth. Outside of Eugene, the Pac 12 conference is a dumpster fire. Not a BIG dumpster fire, but a dumpster fire nevertheless.

USARK and Stanford met on the farm, for some reason people like to call Stanford U the farm, in a battle of alleged Pac 12 powers. The game was not played in Palo Alto because Stanford is not actually located in Palo Alto.

The game set back major college football several decades. David Shaw and Steve Sarkisian are supposedly a couple of the brighter coaches in the game today. Everybody says so despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary on display Saturday.

Stanford spent the afternoon marching crisply into the red zone only to self immolate like a tire fire feeding on jet fuel. USARK marched crisply down the field on their first possession and then spent the rest of the day showcasing Sark's high powered hurry up attack as they hurried off the field after three plays and a punt.

The game turned into the theatre of the absurd late in the third quarter as Sark got penalized for his gut hanging into the field of play and then got 15 yards more for cursing out the refs. Then a USARK player showed the edgy discipline that Sark teams are known for by spearing a Stanford player who was out of bounds and getting ejected. All of this "action" and the end of the quarter gave Pat Haden over 10 minutes to respond to an urgent text from Sark and leave his padded cell at the Betty Ford Center for Why In The Fuck Did I Hire That Guy and rush onto the field to berate the Pac 12 officials and slip them some cash to negate a late Stanford touchdown on a bogus chop block call.

USC kicked a go ahead field goal late and then Stanford once again marched crisply down field to the red zone  only to realize that David Shaw was still their coach, so they promptly fumbled the ball and the game away.

When asked for a comment, Larry Scott replied, "Thank God Oregon is in our league" and then left for a late afternoon tennis match.

Oregon took an early lead over the Spartans then quickly gave up 20 points and fell behind the 300. It took a Heisman Moment play by Marcus Marriot to reignite the Quack Attack and Oregon ran the Spartans out of the Stadium from that point.

"We thought the Persians were tough, but those Ducks took to the water like the Athens fleet and we just didn't have an answer," said a rueful Mark Dantonio as he quietly thanked Zeus that he was still the tallest midget in the BIG Conference. "We'll look at the tape and get ready for the dreck that is left on our schedule."

"Yes I am happy to silence the critics and we're glad to win another Pac 12 title and we're going to get ready for the play offs now," said a smug Mike Helrfire from the Colt Lylra room of the Hooker and Blow Center in Eugene. "I hope Mr. Knight was watching from his hotel room in Philadelphia."

Stanford has actually won the last two Pac 12 titles.

Washington barely survived the Eagle Air Attack of Eastern Washington in a game that was shown on the Pac 12 network so we won't be covering it this week. UW is 2-0 and Sark isn't the coach anymore so we don't see any reason for all the pissing and moaning that is coming out of some quarters. Burn baby burn!

The Disappointing Bruins had another disappointing win and now get ready to face the Disappointing Longhorns at the home of the Disappointing Cowboys in Jerry World. Disappointment abounds but the Bruins are 2-0 and Texas just got boat raced once again by BYU. Ty Strong is burning bridges in Austin.

LOOKING AHEAD

WSU has their biggest hurdle as they chase perfection... if they can lose to Portland State then a perfect season is in reach...the rest of the Pac 12 schedule is a joke as always...not a lot going on in the SEC either although Georgia faces the Cocks and Tennessee faces Oklahoma...Illinois visits Husky Stadium in a game that is on a channel that I get...look for a full report next issue...thanks for reading our op ed this week...we don't do opinion pieces...some of you need to learn the difference...tiki...tiki...tiki