DuckFighter Illustrated: House Money Special Edition

Huskies take Boise to the Woodshed

Season is extended for a couple of weeks

Ducks disappoint in opening win

Mike Riley is a nice guy

Almost! Cougs fall short

Opening Night is a Smash Hit

Race Bannon

The recently remodeled Todd Turner Field at Pool Boy Stadium opened to rave reviews Saturday night under the lights along the shores of Lake Washington along the Montlake cut by the 7-11 on Aurora Avenue in the University District hard by East Queen Anne. The new look Washington Ducks curb stomped Boise State, something that new head coach Chip Kelly couldn’t accomplish in his previous job at Oregon.

“Well I wondered what that idiot Race Bannon would have to say now,” wondered Steve Sarkisian as he enjoyed a post-game massage from Husky trainers, Misty and Cinnamon. “IT IS STILL MY OFFENSE, MINE!! DO YOU HEAR ME? IT’S MY OFFENSE!”

Boise coach Chris Peterson has now lost to Ty Willingham and Steve Sarkisian in the old Husky Stadium and the new. This could answer the question as to why he is so happy being a big fish in a little pond instead of being Dirk Koetter or Dan Hawkins.

The surprise of this game was the ease, the domination and the swagger shown by the usually laid back Husky team. And the defense. Interim Oregon State head coach Justin Wilcox has done a great job with his defensive unit. The game was a pleasure to watch and the old Mistake on Montlake looked good on TV in HD. For one night at least we were back in the dream of major college football.

The Huskies now take a week off to prepare for the 1964 Rose Bowl rematch against Dick Butkus and the Fighting Illini of Illinois. The “s” is silent. Plenty of time to get complacent, make stupid comments about House Money, drive drunk, talk shit and smoke weed, and various other foibles that have plagued Steve Sarkisian during his highly paid four year internship as Head Coach in Training at Washington.

Or he could take a page from Nick Saban and tell his team that haven’t done shit yet and they better be a hundred times better for their next game or they will lose and Race Bannon will be right.

Mike Riley does more with less, and he really has less this year

Benny B. Eaver

Mike Riley is the kind of good guy who wins the right way with class that college football needs more of. The Corvallis legend had a rare misstep in his post-game press conference with the reporter from the Benton County Shopper after a heart breaking loss to National Champion Eastern Washington.

“Of course this loss ******* hurt you stupid ******* piece of ****. But you know, we are going to have at least four losses so we might as well get one out of the ************* way now.”

Interim Head Coach Justin Wilcox doesn’t think the season is over and that the Beavers still have plenty to play for.

Ducks begin search for Heiflichs replacement

Mallard N. Moore

”If we aren’t scoring 70 points against our cupcake then I am out!” screamed Phil Knight as he received a massage at the Hooker and Blow Center from Duck trainers Candy and Mystique. “As soon as his suspension is over I want Chip back here. And I want to know why he is helping Washington now with his offense!”

“IT’S MY OFFENSE” Steve Sarkisian screamed as he headed to Vegas for a bye week fling with some house money.

The Ducks make a rare road trip to play the Virginia Wahoos. Yes, Virginia, that is their nickname. It should still be a win for Oregon although there is growing concern that the momentum generated by Chip Kelly may dissipate far faster than first thought. A fading program now watches the northern border with a wary eye as Chip Kelly builds a new Washington.


We Almost Won!

Rob Bobertson

WSU coach Mike Leach said the worst of the Pac 12 was better than the worst of the SEC and SEC worst Auburn took those as fighting words and came out and put a whipping on the Cougars who only won one Pac 12 game last year against Washington in the Apple Cup after overcoming a 17 point deficit in the last 7 minutes of the game. It doesn’t get any easier for the Cougars who now travel to LA to play the Trojans. The countdown to the Apple Cup has begun. WSU won it last year overcoming a 17 point deficit in the last 30 seconds of the game.

The Rest

UCLA bashed Nevada as Jim L Mora continues to implode…Bama scored on offense, defense, and with two different kinds of kick returns as Nick Saban showed off his domination of all three phases of the game…the Tide were content to run the ball into an eleven man front to protect the lead…that’s why no one ever called Saban the best play caller in America…they just call him National Champion…Cal dropped a heartbreaker to Northwestern in a battle of pretentious schools that choose you…Stanford finally starts the season against longtime nemesis San Jose…Clemson beat Georgia in a classic…Enjoy the bye week and get that house money out and have some fun….Till next week we thank you for reading as always.