Duckfighter Illustrated: Gloat Free Special Edition

YANKEE BEATS ORIOLE

BOYFRIEND BEATS GIRLFRIEND

FATHER BEATS SON

HUSKY BEATS ILLINI

EAGLE BEATS TROJAN

BRUIN BEATS LONGHORN

DUCK BEATS COWBOY

 

VIOLENT WEEK DRAWS TO A CLOSE

RACE BANNON

It was a week filled with violence and beatings on and off the field of play as man's greatest sport ramps up to full speed amid record television ratings and alarming amounts of global warming spewing forth from commentators everywhere.

The lesson is as always, if you're going to beat someone up, make sure it isn't on tape. That is harder and harder to do in the police state that we find ourselves living in these days. If it isn't a cell phone video, it's a casino elevator camera or 911 tape. TMZ is spending record amounts of money to fill society's need to feel morally outraged over incidents that place their own miserable and pathetic lives in perspective.

The lesson is as always, fuck perspective. A winner of life's genetic lottery spending their millions of dollars on hookers and blow while you get up at 4AM to drive 90 miles to a dead end job may not be fair, but without you the lottery winner would be buying a lot less blow and visiting a lot uglier hookers.

You might ask about now, what in the world does this have to do with sports? Exactly my point. Nothing. Sports are a game and a distraction and please stop intruding into them with stupid social commentary and Yankee Oriole baseball games that make me unable to watch the first quarter of the Husky game. FAUX Sports needs to be put in an elevator cab and beaten with a tree branch.

The lesson is as always, NOGAF about baseball.

Chris Petersen improved to a non sizzle worthy 3-0 as the Husky head coach as the Huskies whipped up on Red Grange and the Fighting (lol) Illini 44-19 at half filled Husky Stadium. Thank you fans for impressing upon Pool P Boy that we need real football games for the exhibition season. The Huskies were crisp and look forward to wrapping up the pre season against SEC newcomer, Georgia State.

UW 56, Georgia State 42

LA Story

Troy "Cubby" Wadsworth III

It was a tale of one city. It was the best of times and it was the most expected of times. One overcame adversity and won the day late with grit and determination. One fell to complacency and hubris and lost the day late with arrogance and cluelessness.

Rick Neuheisel Junior and the Gritty Little Bruins went to Texas and ran into the second coming of Vince Young and escaped late with a big win to improve to 3-0. UCLA lost their Heisman hopeful quarterback Randy Hundley to injury and had to go with a mop topped walk on who looks like he might be 12 years old. Just like his dad. As is so often the case, it was addition by subtraction (Hi Kim) as the rest of the Bruins put down the press clippings and every man pulled his weight and the Bruins came together as a team today. We came together as a team today! (Hi Mike Ditka)

I hate pre season Heisman hopeful campaigns and have seen nothing to change my mind on the subject so far. (Hi looming Mariotta knee injury)

On the other hand, the USARK Trojans spent the week reading their press clippings (what do we call press clippings in the internet age?) and wondering if Head Coach Steve "God" Sarkisian would have time to put in a game plan between interviews and dalliances with waitresses. Allegedly.

The fat and happy Trojans jumped to an early lead and then caught the red eye back to the west coast as Boston College rushed for 789 yards in a gutsy comeback that had the paunchy Sark at a loss for words.

"I'm at a loss for words. Our plan was awesome. Everybody said so. I'm pretty much the best play caller in America but I need players than can execute the call. Armenians always get the shitty head coaching jobs in America."

USARK is on track for seven wins this year. That big fat horse that UW put in your city might not have been the great gift you thought, Troy.

The Rest

The dream died for the perfect season as WSU beat Portland State...(Hi Sven)...Wyoming jumped out to an early lead as Oregon struggled to come back and win...Helfire is back on the hot seat...ASU beat Colorado and lost their quarterback...The Cocks stuck it to Georgia once again as Mark Richt was not the best play caller in America....again...top national game upcoming is Alabama v Florida...K State hosts Auburn...Florida State kills Clemson...Oregon travels to Pullman in the nightcap and the end of Helfire's career if they lose as expected...trap game...cold night...Cuoger weather....LA schools both have a bye...seems like we're still waiting for the season to start in many ways...The SEC rejected the University of ISIS as a new member...Cal plays Arizona in a game that NOGAF about...thanks for reading...not a very good issue...surprised that people out here are surprised at that.