By Race Bannon
THE FALL OF EUGENE
THE FALL OF TROY
THE FALL OF SARK
THE RISE OF THE CUOGS
DUCK WEEK V.12
HUSKIES SPANK TROJANS DRIVING SARK OVER THE EDGE
USC Trojan head coach Steve Sarkisian looked tanned, rested, and ready as he looked forward to the game that night against his former team, the Washington Huskies. The Trojans kicked off as a 17.5 point favorite over the reeling Huskies, who were coming in off of a home loss to Cal.
“We used the extra time for recruiting and to prepare for any trick plays that Washington might try,” noted a relaxed Sark as he mixed meds and booze, ignoring the moral of his story. “To me and our players this is just the next game on the schedule. I enjoyed my time at Washington and the team was 0-12 the year before I arrived and we are proud of what we did there even though I can’t remember most of my time there.”
Chris Petersen was unavailable for comment as he was busy devising the same trick play that had worked numerous times against Sark despite Sark spending copious amounts of extra time preparing for it.
The Husky defense set the tone early and often with some old fashioned smash mouth cheap shots that had the soft Trojan players keeling over and spending the rest of the game on the sidelines.
The Husky offense remains a horrible stain on humanity but the aforementioned trick play did lead the Huskies to a surprising 17-12 victory that set in motion the end of the world as Sark knows it. Thanks to the dogged investigative reporting of Troy “Cubby” Wadsworth III we have the timeline of events that led to the Sunday Surprise Suspension of Sark as Trojan head coach.
Shortly after the game ended Sark returned alone to his office, a forlorn figure that seemed to know his time at USC was growing short. Maybe it was the fans screaming “fuck you!” at him as he left the field. Maybe not. We may never know. But we know that Sark pulled out his desk bottle that all coaches have and finished it off while downing some prescribed medication.
Sark spent most of Friday lit up like a Christmas tree, uh, recruiting hard for USC as he worked to bring in another top ranked class that could lose at home as double digit favorites just like this team did. Twice. Sark’s meal tab turned into the school for reimbursement showed that he likes to recruit at Long Beach bars and spent $476.00 on shots of Patron at 11AM Friday morning.
By Saturday Sark was drunk dialing his soon to be former wife and explaining to Child Welfare why he was a fit father despite spending his weekends with the kids doing shots and abusing prescribed meds. Allegedly. Everything in this story is alleged or covered under satire statutes. So take your USC law degree and find some hapless employer to sue. Like USC when they fire a clearly disabled Coach Sark.
Sunday morning Sark showed up to the team meeting and told the lads to keep fucking fighting on and then passed out in a pool of his own vomit. Sergeant Pat “Schultz” Haden noted that he had seen nothing nor heard nothing to indicate there was a problem until he got a call Sunday informing him that his handpicked coach was passed out in his own vomit.
“That might be ok for a rock star but seems like poor form for a football coach,” Haden conceded. “It doesn’t take a Rhodes Scholar to see that something could be wrong here.”
Sark has been assigned to Cliffside Malibu for a rigorous 8 week rehab and booty call with alcoholic starlets. While getting paid. It’s a disability people, not some drunk we can make fun of. It’s disease. Do you laugh at AIDS victims? Other than Magic Johnson that is?
Country legend Clay Helton takes over for the Notre Dame game while USC figures out how to fire a disabled victim of a disease without incurring bad publicity. The season is over in Compton and now the Trojans look forward to another great recruiting class they can squander.
Editor's note: Sarkisian was fired soon after this article was submitted for publication.
CUOGS WIN CUOGS WIN
Normally a rare Duck loss or even rarer Cuog win would be top story material. However, we proclaimed the death of the Duck Dynasty a few weeks ago and we are not pleased that the Cuogs stole our thunder the week before Duck Week with a win in Eugene.
Phil Knight has invited Mark Helfrich out for a night of heavy drinking and prescription drug abuse. Steve Sarkisian said- “I told you they SUCK!!!! Hic”. For the last time, addiction and substance abuse are a serious matter and we are not going to make jokes about it. Our thoughts and our prayers are with Phil Knight as he goes through withdrawal from winning.
ALL WE HAVE TO SAY TO PETERSEN IS YOU BETTER FUCKING WIN THIS WEEK AND BREAK THE STREAK OR YOU WILL BE ASKED TO LEAVE FOR GOOD.
Seriously, UW has to win. Even with a stain on humanity offense. The Duck “defense” could be just what the doctor prescribes this week. If not, look for most of the Half Brain Husky posters to enter rehab. Again.
Washington can win the Pac 12 North and we can get serious about football again and Oregon sucks again. Let’s not blow it.
The moral of the story is, you better not blow this one Petersen.
It was another great week of SEC action…everyone says so…Bama won…so did LSU and Florida… See you in the Natty fellas.
IF THE PLAYOFFS BEGAN TODAY
Thanks for reading eh?