Duckfighter Illustrated: Dawn of a New Decade?

DUCKS GO FOR ELEVEN AFTER BIG WIN OVER BRUINS

HUSKIES BASH CAL

WATER IS WET

USC ONE PLAY AWAY FROM TOP FIVE RANKING

IF YOU IGNORE BOSTON COLLEGE

NEXT YEAR LOOKS GOOD FOR CUOGS

 

Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles

Troy "Cubby" Wadsworth III

"When I first invented icing the kicker a lot of folks thought I was crazy." mused a relaxed Steve Sarkisian as he nursed a martini at Jimmy's, his favorite watering hole. "I did it twice against Arizona and it won the game for us. But let's make sure to credit the kids who played hard for 60 minutes tonight instead of blowing the game for me on the last play."

The Trojans once again dominated the game from start to almost the finish but escaped Tucson with a win over the top ten Wildcats of Arizona. The game was on national television. The announcers were very complimentary of Sarkisian who is 3-2 with his scrappy band of 4 and 5 star recruits, most of whom were recruited by Lane Kiffin. But still.

The Trojans now prepare to host Colorado in a dangerous trap game since the USC coaches will spend the week drinking and chasing tail. Allegedly.

Insiders say that God has a plan for the Trojans. Stay tuned.

Meanwhile in Pasadena a nation watched as Jim Mora imploded and rubbed his defensive coordinator the wrong way. The Bruins looked as though they hadn't practiced in a month and were embarrassed and humiliated by Mighty Oregon once again. The improving Duck defense held UCLA under 600 yards and managed to not blow a 32 point lead in the 4th quarter.

"I'm not one to say I told you so, but I think we know now who is better qualified to be picking coaches for the University of Washington," stated a defiant Pool P. Boy as he told us so.

"I'm not one to say I told you so, but I think we know now that I am qualified to carry Chip's jock after all," said a defiant Mike Helfired who still carries the interim head coach tag and narrowly avoided a Phil Knight hit squad after the Arizona game.

WE ARE BACK! (AGAIN!) (WE MEAN IT THIS TIME!)

Race Bannon

Washington has been playing football for over a century and not since they played Aberdeen High School have they found an easier mark than their the long time patsy, the Cal Bears. That open lacks technical proficiency as did the vaunted Bear offense. The Huskies held the Bears to seven points, believed to be the lowest output in the PAC 12 this decade. The PAC 12 leads the nation in scoring per game which is just the edge Chris Petersen needs to unleash his killer defense on an unsuspecting slate of opponents.

Petersen used the bye week to instruct Shaq, Danny, Kisomething, and the rest of the Purple Gang to get ready to rumble. John Ross III lit up the cancerous turf with another long score and the Huskies coasted to a 31-7 win in a tune up for the annual loss to Oregon. Dozens of fans enjoyed the game at recently remodeled Earthquake Fault Stadium in Berkeley.

Another dozen fans enjoyed the game on Larry Scott's innovative television network that is still unavailable in most areas.

WASHINGTON OREGON PREVIEW

We had a chance to sit down with Mallard N. Moore to preview the annual loss to Oregon

MM: This should be another easy win for the three time defending PAC 12 champion Ducks.

RB: Actually, Stanford has won the last two PAC 12 championships.

MM: Oregon is rolling again with the return of Heisman candidate Jimbo Fisher at tackle. The O line was really ready to rumble at UCLA and the Ducks appear to be back on track for the National Championship. It would be their second one.

RB: Actually Auburn beat Oregon in the BCS Championship game

MM: Oregon has beat Washington 10 times in a row and none of the games have even been close. All have been by over 20 points. Oregon has beat Gilby, Ty, and Sark over those 10 games, three of the top coaches in Husky history.

RB: Washington is now coached by Chris Petersen. Petersen is a known duck killer. The last time UW hired a coach for his ability to beat Oregon they got Rick Neuheisel and did earn a short term return on that decision. Petersen looks to be a long term answer for the struggling Husky Football program. Oregon no longer has any mystique or aura, but the question is, does Washington have the loser mentality out of their heads?

MM: Mystique and Aura can be found at the Acrop, not Autzen. That probably should have been your line. I like Oregon to win since they have the best player on the field and he has two years under his belt and wants to win more than ever. Mariotta is the key and the Ducks win rather easily, say 34-17.

RB: It's probably a year early for Washington but I like this defense and see Mariotta leaving the game on a stretcher and the back up throwing a late pick 6 to Shaq. Call it 28-17 for the Huskies as they re invent football in Seattle.

SEC REPORT

It's all about Mississippi. For now...Lane Kiffin is missing after Nick Saban was overheard hiring thugs to beat him about the face with a baseball bat...thanks for reading as always