DuckFighter Illustrated: College Football is Back!

(Editor's note: For those uninitiated to the writings of Race Bannon, his articles are satirical in nature and are to be taken tongue-in-cheek). 

YOUNG HUSKIES HOPE TO TRUST EACH OTHER

SARK EXCITED AS HE ENTERS HIS SECOND YEAR

CHEATING DUCKS AVOID HAMMER, LOOK TO WIN PAC 12

BEAVERS HAVE TIGHTENED SOME THINGS UP

COUGARS HOPE TO BUILD ON APPLE CUP WIN

FANS EAGER TO WELCOME BOISE STATE TO QUEST FIELD

RACE BANNON

The Washington Huskies hope to rebound from a disappointing 2012 season that followed a disappointing 2011 season that followed a disappointing string of seasons from 2002 through 2010 when they take the field at recently remodeled Todd Turner Field at Mark Emmert Stadium alongside the Hedges Softball Coliseum, on Montlake Boulevard in the University District by the 7-11. Run on sentences are back as well as Man's Greatest Sport, a term coined by Husky Legend, Ty Willingham.

The Eternally Young Huskies will be young once again. A series of top ranked recruiting classes have built depth at Western, Central, and Eastern Washington Universities. Second year Head Coach Steve "Seven" Sarkisian took time out from his drunken binge and fondling of waitresses, allegedly, to comment on his hopes for this pivotal season.

"We came here to win championships in the grand tradition that legends like Keith Gilbertson and Ty Willingham built here. We didn't think it would take long and as I enter my second year I can see that a championship is not too far off, maybe 5-7 years out. We're young but the kids play hard. Not many coaches can claim a Gameday Championship like I did in only my first year. A little lower baby, yeah, that's it, wait...is this still on?"

Your humble DFI correspondent is excited to welcome back the football season from my new home at Hardcore Husky. I was a little disappointed that it wasn't actually a porn site as I was led to believe but I signed the fat contract so here I am. I'll be bothering you weekly with my incisive, razor like, sharp wisdom about all things football. Unless the editor touches a single word  of my copy, then I'll be writing this from prison if you know what I mean.

I don't think you can expect too much this year from the Huskies. I mean, have you been paying attention for the last decade? Arizona is serious, Oregon State has been ranked, the Ducks are cheating, and Mike Leach has the Cougars on the cusp of a 4 win season. While the over under is 5, as always, I'm putting the win total this year at 7. Not sure why, just a hunch.

BOISE STATE 35, UW 17 (rather easily)

WE'RE RICHER THAN YOU ARE, BITCH

MALLARD N. MOORE

Man, this probation has been brutal so far. The loss of one scholarship and a dollar a day in meal money is bound to have a negative effect in 2027. Until then the Ducks will continue to win the Pac 12 every year even though they didn't actually win it last year but it was just what I was hearing, so some of you need to learn the difference.

The Ducks recently opened the 125 million dollar Athlete Hookers and Blow Lounge to fete the Duck football team with the luxury that it so richly deserves for 4 straight BCS bowl appearances. I think they may have even won a Rose Bowl because they are sure popping off these days.

The Ducks face their typical brutal schedule, opening with SEC power, Nichols State. I've never heard of the state of Nichols, but I'm sure it's beautiful this time of year. Stanford appears to be the only obstacle to a 12th straight Pac 12 title. Just like they were last year. I see a 5th straight BCS bowl but no National Championship once again. New coach Mark Heifmenram looks like he has what it takes to follow a legend, momentum and players to last a couple of years before he flames out and gets fired.

Oregon 78, Nickels and Dimes State 5

When WSU and Oregon State do something worth mentioning we will hire back staff writers Benny B. Eaver and Rob Bobertson. When I say hire back I mean bail out of the Mexican prison they are currently residing in. Hey, we had to cut back, times are tough in This Economy.

THE REST OF THE STORY

Contrary to popular belief My Bruins will not take a step back this year. Nor will they implode. Nor is Jim L. Mora rubbing people the wrong way. They will lose to Mighty Oregon in the Pac 12 title game...USC still has Lane Kiffin, and his dope smoking, talking shit ways are wearing thin in Los Angeles...Stanford is big and mean and tough...I know, and UW is small and soft...World upside down... Look for us to include any clichés and buzz words and inside half brain jokes and sayings that we missed in this issue in future issues...Alabama looks good again...the SEC looks good again...make sure you check out our coaching search blog as we set the odds on the replacement for Sark...this week's person of the week, a bit redundant there, is Phil Bleenor, a friend of the magazine who provides vital and timely information to us...this week Phil told us that there will be a playoff in college football next season...you heard it here first...until next week when we dissect the season in our Season is Over special, Dawg fans!

Thanks for reading!