DUCKFIGHTER ILLUSTRATED: BEST BYE WEEK EVER SOUVENIR EDITION

EVERYBODY LOST

EXCEPT FOR THOSE WHO WON

NOT PLAYING WAS THE BEST PLAY

HEARTBREAK IN SOUTH CENTRAL LA

 

YOU THINK WE WOULD KNOW BY NOW

RACE BANNON

It seems like every year we find ourselves amazed at the rampant carnage that can ensue over the course of a long college football weekend. It seems like that because every year carnage ensues over long college football weekends. The AP poll has been around since 1936 and for the first time 5 of the top 8 teams lost but it was only the first weekend of October. This is Exhibit A as to why preseason rankings are so stupid.  Had this been the first weekend of November it would be far more newsworthy.

However we get paid to report the news so even if we have to make it up to do so, we will. This was shocking and unprecedented! Hide the women and children! Wear pink!

We also saw the first change of the landscape due to the four team playoff that you might have heard about several million times already on ESPN. These losses were not devastating and season ending for all the losers as they might have been in years past. The tears flowed but no blood.

The ultimate take away from the weekend is just how great college football is to watch. It truly is man's greatest sport. And your faithful correspondent was there to watch it all so you didn't have to.

It started Thursday night in Eugene as former coach Mike Helfired was honored at halftime of Oregon's loss to Arizona for his year and a half of service to Phil Knight. The Wildcats were unranked coming in but put a beat down on the over ranked #4 Ducks for the second year in a row. Revenge is a dish best served with a win. Oregon may want to jot that down for future reference.

"I've sunk a billion dollars into this enterprise," noted a calm Knight as he tightened the rack upon which Helfired lay to the point of popping the tendons of Helfired's elbows and knees. "I even gave hundreds of millions of dollars to the education shit because they said it would give me cover for buying the football team. And all I get is internet sites showing my fans in tears."

Why was Arizona unranked? Why was Oregon #4?

The weekend continued with an appearance on Gameday by Katy Perry. I don't normally watch that show but I am easily distracted by large breasts. When I saw her on the pick section and heard her ask the guys "is this the game with the Cocks?" I had to stop and watch Chris Fowler see his career pass before his eyes. It was not the South Carolina game. It would also go unnoticed that Kentucky would later beat the Cocks to take over control of the SEC East. In football. The Wildcats are an uncalled too much time penalty away from 5-0.

The morning focus was on the state of Mississippi. Mississippi State was led by the Black Tebow and crushed the Texas A&M Aggies who were led by the Black Manziel. The Bulldogs are unbeaten and seeded in the Final Four which all but assures a loss this weekend against Auburn.

The Politically Incorrect Rebels of Ole Miss took the stage next and beat Alabama to earn a spot in the Final Four seeding which all but assures a loss this weekend against A&M. Lane Kiffin floundered around on offense in a nice foreshadowing of the fun to come. Nick Saban put in a call to Phil Knight as angry Tide fans surrounded his palace in Birmingham.

While this was happening 25th ranked TCU beat 4th ranked Oklahoma. TCU coach Gary Patterson did not leave for a big school job when he had early success at mid major TCU. He took his entire team and school back to major status by joining the Big 12 and getting a big stadium built. All they need now is his statue out front. Look for TCU to lose at Baylor this week.

David Shaw continued to burnish his reputation as a horrible game day coach by giving away another game for Stanford's second loss of the young season. Notre Dame struggled all day against the stout Stanford D but of course still had a chance to win and did when the cerebral Everett Goldson threw a late TD pass. This sets up a Notre Dame loss this week at horrible North Carolina.

All these games were but a prelude to the APAG Game of the Week featuring an ASU squad coming off a blowout loss to UCLA and the Steve Sarkisian led USC Trojans coming off a big win over the always well coached Oregon State Beavers. USC took the lead and control of the game early and had things well in hand late. I'm starting to laugh now just thinking about the end of that game. Despite a clear advantage at towel waving scrubs jumping up and down on the bench, the Trojans found a way to lose. You could see the doubt and fear on Sark's face even as Buck Williams ran for the clinching touchdown that gave ASU hope. All ASU needed was a chance at a Hail Mary and Justin Wilcox calling the defense. The Sun Devils actually scored on two long passes to win the game because why would you defend the long pass with a lead and time running out?

This was the second time a Sark coached team lost to ASU on a last play Hail Mary but the first one that Sark remembers. Booze is a helluva drug.

Sark called it lucky and as always, the kids played hard and the towel waving was top notch so give the guy some time to get his seven wins in and all should be fine. USC next faces Arizona in the desert and if we have learned anything this sets up as a clear win for USC but Sark.

The night cap saw a Utah team that had just lost to WSU beat a UCLA team that had just crushed ASU. Now UCLA plays Oregon and this is a true tossup between pissed off teams but we'll take Mora over Helfired in a close one.

Oh, and Cal and WSU just got done with their game. Cal won 60-59 in a lower than expected scoring match. But Conner Halliday set the yardage record so it was a win for the Cuogs.

UW took the week off and moved into the top ten for being smart enough not to play over the Weekend of Death. Next up is Cal and we pick Cal to win because our reverse jinx is out of control right now.

My top four Playoff teams as of now

Mississippi State

Mississippi

Auburn

Florida State

Get ready for another great weekend of football and thanks for reading! I'm back on twitter!
duckfitrillustrated

@dckftrilstrted