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Vision Quest: The Trail of Beers

SwayeSwaye Posts: 23,179
Swaye's Wigwam Solar Eclipse Donator 10000 Comments 250 Answers
I’m back you surly bunch of queers. Hope I didn’t miss much while I was gone. So, decided a couple months ago to roll a whole bunch of bucket list items into one mega two-week vacation across America. There were four or five destinations and dates locked in, but everything else was just make it up as you go on the road. Really wanted to see as much of America as I could, because I enjoy seeing how much white people have fucked everything up over the last 500 years. You fucking idiots. Anyway, I have been buying blow in small quantities for months to really make this a trip to barely remember. So here’s the story. I’m like a really shitty bard for you ingrates. A bard is a poet of the oral (lulz) tradition for you dimwits that didn’t know that.



6-19 Day 1. Northern Virginia to Milwaukee. Got up at the retarded hour of 4AM to leave. Twelve-hour drive but got there in time for the Pabst Blue Ribbon Brewery Tour at 4:30 in the afternoon. Kicked ass. Bought a t-shirt like a loser tourist fag. I slept it in last night. Cool story, I know. Hit up Bryant’s Cocktail Lounge that night, off a recommendation from a guy at the brewery. Great little place. Straight up early 70’s cocktail lounge vibe. Think Regal Beagle. No hot chicks, just Jack Trippers, so I abandoned my quest for vagina early and hit a hotel and jerked off instead. I thought of @dnc , for those interested.

6-20 Up early for breakfast and to make it to the Harley Davidson Museum at 9 AM, stayed until noon. Great museum. Exactly what you’d expect. Lots of fucking motorcycles. I assume there were some really cool history exhibits but I can’t read, so who knows. Drove straight from there to Sturgis, SD and got in at midnight. Too wiped out to party so drank a few beers I had in my trusty K2 cooler in the back of the Jeep and passed out.

6-21 Hit the Motorcycle museum in Sturgis at 10AM and stayed until about noon. Been there before but always a good stop. Less than a four-hour drive to Casper, WY from Sturgis and then hit Northern Dreams Gentlemens Club as soon as I rolled into town – and let me say, this place is not for gentlemen. It was in a trailer. A fucking trailer. I think one of the strippers was pregnant, or she had a large tumorous growth on her abdomen. Not sure. Gross.

Did hit on a somewhat cute waitress named Crystal. Mid to late 20’s, kind of snaggled teeth but nice body, just had the first formation starting of a muffin top, but still had a nice thick ass and some good size D’s. She was going off shift at 6 so I made sure to chat her up hard and mention the quarter pound of cocaine I had hidden in the Jeep. That perked her right up. Grabbed some Jack in the Box for the both of us, because I am classy, and checked into a shithole hotel. Threw a burger down her throat, let her do a couple lines, and then she tells me she isn’t going to fuck the first night she meets me?!?!?!?! WTF bitch I splurged for a goddamn COMBO meal and some free snow. Anyway, she offered a blowie and I took it. Not bad, though the mangled teeth did scare me a bit. Punted her ass out promptly after giving her some Indian inspired hair gel and tried to go to bed but cocaine. Watched NCIS reruns until I could finally fall asleep after midnight. America Adventure momentum building.



6-22 Up at the crack of dawn, inhaled some more flake to wake up, and drove eleven-hours to Wallace, ID for the last day and a half of the Silver Valley Jeep Jamboree. Skipped the Jamboree when I got in too late for that days trail rides and got drunk at a hipster shithole called the City Limits Brewpub. Food sucked. Beer sucked. Some hot chicks, but mostly small-town Idaho frumpies. No love at all for the Injun from any of them. I could regale you with tales of me getting shot down, but instead I will chalk it all up to them being racists. I’ve got a new foolproof plan anyway.

#reddongsmatter



6-23 Went wheeling all day long at the Jeep jamboree. Great fun. Nothing broke on the Jeep, and I didn’t roll it over and die in a fireball, so great success. If you have never done serious off roading you owe it to yourself to try. Adrenaline rush, hair on your balls check and beautiful country. Take your skirts off and do it fags. Plus there are occasionally some hot chicks.



6-24 Got up late and headed to my buddy’s house just outside Coeur d’alene. He took me fly fishing on the North Fork of the CDA. Caught a few Westslope cutthroats. There are barely any people there, so even you white fucks haven’t ruined it yet. After a great day on the river, we went to the Hogfish Bar. I was pretty much positive that luck was with me and tonight was the night I would finally get laid on this adventure. Roll into the bar and it appears some type of skin head convention is going on that night. Sort of like ladies night, but for low IQ retards who think Hitler is cool. I looked a little out of place, because I am red. Being wily, I did some quick thinking on how not to get shot and quietly retrieved my trusty MAGA cap from the Jeep. The skin heads barely even looked at me. It was like camouflage for Nazi’s. Thanks Trump.



6-25 So, my same buddy who took me fly fishing also owns an Uzi and a Thompson sub gun. Shot full auto half the day. Sort of like rock crawling, if you have never shot full auto, and you don’t have a vagina (Hondo), you must do it once in your life. Ended up making a huge bonfire and crushing some brisket my buddy’s cousin cooked up all day. The smell of slow cooked brisket, cedar log fire and gun powder mixing together is truly one of life’s little pleasures. One of the neighbors came over to the bonfire and brought his cute mid-20’s daughter. Dong power, engage. I saunter up to her and drop the hammer. She looks through me and says she has a boyfriend, which I could tell was a lie. Idaho is the red man’s kryptonite. Later in the night we were all sitting on logs around the fire and I was completely shitfaced. I threw up on the ground in front of me and some of it splattered on her shoe. Victory. Bitch.



6-26 Drove all day to Moab, UT bumping rails off the center console like you read about. Strung the fuck out when I got there. Ate at The Cowboy Grill. Top flight view of the Colorado River from the restaurant. Slept like the dead.

6-27 Had a fucking killer Jeep day wheeling in Moab. Ran Kane Creek Canyon. All 20 miles of it. Nails. No damage except a couple small racing stripes. Bad ass. Dropped my iphone off a cliff fumblefucking around trying to take a picture. Not bad ass. Total loss. FML.

6-28 Got up early and headed to Vegas. Got a room at the Cosmopolitan. Threw on the dirty fucking jeans I wore into the river, some fag waffler boots and my trusty Misfits concert shirt. Cruise control for cool. Hit the floor and promptly dumped 300 bucks on the blackjack table. Fuck.

Spot a cute little hard body with her friends pounding drinks at the Sports Book bar. I figure if she’s drunk my chances increase exponentially so I move in. Named Jessie. 25. From LA. Drove up with old friends from college to spend the weekend in Vegas. Dark hair, smallish tits but a total looker and an ass you could crack eggs on. Chat her up and pour back drinks for an hour or so and then invite her for a milkshake at Holsteins. After shakes we wander to a slot machine and I put in a 20, lose a few pulls and then hit a 400-dollar jackpot. American Adventure momentum is pegged. Ask her if she wants to go with me to get a tattoo. Cook this shit. It’s on. Blow the entire 400 I just won on a tattoo at Vegas Ink. Take her back to the room around midnight and blow the back out of it. Sexy as fuck. Fuck off no pics. The phone is still in Utah somewhere. Slept with her the rest of the night, got breakfast with her in the morning, and then pulled chocks to head home.

What happens in Vegas ends up on HH.



6-29 Drove from Vegas to Santa Fe, NM. Dude I met in Moab said I had to try this place called Geronimo (not making this shit up). Wagyu beef carpaccio and a grilled rack of lamb. Add a few beers and I walked out of there down about 120 bucks. Was so amped up I headed to Cheeks titty bar in Santa Fe. Surprisingly good-looking chicks for a shithole. Bouncer kept leering at me. Pretty sure he either wanted to fuck me or kill me. I left.

6-30 Got up at 5AM and drove about 14 fucking god forsaken hours to Memphis, TN. FML. This drive almost killed me. 1000 miles on the button. Got in around 7PM, got a room, did some blow to wake up, and went out to Central Barbeque and had the best goddamn ribs I’ve ever had. Still not brisket, but goddamn. Went home and passed the fuck out. Woke up at 3 AM with fire shits. The ribs were still worth the pain. My butthole will never be the same again though. Sorry @dnc

July 1st Got up at 7AM, and after 13 more hours of power driving, and the last of my flake, and I am back in Northern VA.
NorwegianHuskyDerekJohnsonMad_Son79smoothdawgdncGrundleStiltzkinYellowSnowNEsnake12RaceBannonQuietcowskeeDooglesUWhuskytskeetRubberfist89uteUW_Doog_BotGothrydDoogCouricsBad_MotherDuckerallpurpleallgoldNeighbor2972DeepSeaZhuskyhooliganGilbystaintLesGrossmanAlexisbackthepackFire_Marshall_BillMikeDamonePurpleBazePurpleReign
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Comments

  • SwayeSwaye Posts: 23,179
    Swaye's Wigwam Solar Eclipse Donator 10000 Comments 250 Answers

    Cosmopolitan was a smart move.

    It's about as close as it gets to a sure thing



    Anyway it's all a bunch of bullshit. Tell us how Disneyland really was

    Mickey raped me. I feel dirty.
    huskyhooliganbackthepackPurpleBaze
  • YellowSnowYellowSnow Posts: 7,550
    Standard Supporter 5000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Awesomes
    Moab has gotten a bit out of hand, tourism wise, but geologically speaking it's one of the kewlest places on earth. And some of the best Jeeping anywhere. I played Moab in HS hoops back in the early 90s when is was a sad little, formerly Tuff Uranium mining camp. Totally different place now.
    Swayedncbackthepack
  • SwayeSwaye Posts: 23,179
    Swaye's Wigwam Solar Eclipse Donator 10000 Comments 250 Answers

    Moab has gotten a bit out of hand, tourism wise, but geologically speaking it's one of the kewlest places on earth. And some of the best Jeeping anywhere. I played Moab in HS hoops back in the early 90s when is was a sad little, formerly Tuff Uranium mining camp. Totally different place now.

    I had never been. But you can't love off roading and not know Moab. Bucket list shit. Mecca of wheeling. It was glorious. And there is so much of it. I could have stayed there a week and not done it all.
    YellowSnowdncbackthepack
  • UW_Doog_BotUW_Doog_Bot Posts: 1,319
    Swaye's Wigwam 250 Answers 1000 Comments 500 Up Votes
    edited July 2
    Notes*
    • Have a bunch of family in Casper. Might be related to Crystal. If not, I'm sure one of my cousins has had to also settle for a sloppy blowie after a Jack in the Box combo meal. Possibly abundance.
    • Coeur d’alene is pretty much Aryan Nation. Smart move wearing a MAGA cap. That place is so white even square heads need to watch out.
    • Moab is the fucking shit as far as offroading. I have no doubt in 20 years they won't let people do all the stupid shit you can do there today. Get out there while the getting is good for those of you who haven't.
    • I slept under a table at the Cosmo once.
    YellowSnowSwayebackthepack
  • Pitchfork51Pitchfork51 Posts: 8,118
    Standard Supporter 5000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Up Votes
    Swaye said:

    Cosmopolitan was a smart move.

    It's about as close as it gets to a sure thing



    Anyway it's all a bunch of bullshit. Tell us how Disneyland really was

    And yes, Cosmo is the best. Not even close. I stay there every time. Tons of hot chicks, but not overcrowded at all. Fuck Caesars and the Bellagio and even Mandalay Bay. Can barely even move in those places. Cosmo is like a boutique casino, but super nice.
    Yeah I would advise any time someone wants to go to some bullshit club to just hang out at the cosmo instead.
    Save some dough and have like a 400 percent better chance of getting laid.
    UW_Doog_BotSwayebackthepack
  • SwayeSwaye Posts: 23,179
    Swaye's Wigwam Solar Eclipse Donator 10000 Comments 250 Answers

    Swaye said:

    Cosmopolitan was a smart move.

    It's about as close as it gets to a sure thing



    Anyway it's all a bunch of bullshit. Tell us how Disneyland really was

    And yes, Cosmo is the best. Not even close. I stay there every time. Tons of hot chicks, but not overcrowded at all. Fuck Caesars and the Bellagio and even Mandalay Bay. Can barely even move in those places. Cosmo is like a boutique casino, but super nice.
    Yeah I would advise any time someone wants to go to some bullshit club to just hang out at the cosmo instead.
    Save some dough and have like a 400 percent better chance of getting laid.
    Agreed. If you even have half decent game and you are there during summer months it's pretty much impossible not to get laid. When large packs of single women are roving around drinking in Vegas, they are not there to gamble. Probably the easiest place to get laid at in America*.

    *except Hondo
    allpurpleallgoldhuskyhooliganbackthepackBleachedAnusDawg
  • SwayeSwaye Posts: 23,179
    Swaye's Wigwam Solar Eclipse Donator 10000 Comments 250 Answers

    Notes*

    • Have a bunch of family in Casper. Might be related to Crystal. If not, I'm sure one of my cousins has had to also settle for a sloppy blowie after a Jack in the Box combo meal. Possibly abundance.
    • Coeur d’alene is pretty much Aryan Nation. Smart move wearing a MAGA cap. That place is so white even square heads need to watch out.
    • Moab is the fucking shit as far as offroading. I have no doubt in 20 years they won't let people do all the stupid shit you can do there today. Get out there while the getting is good for those of you who haven't.
    • I slept under a table at the Cosmo once.
    I really regret not picking you up for the trip. Could have saved myself the cost of the combo meal AND you might have saved my phone.
    UW_Doog_Botdnchuskyhooliganbackthepack
  • SwayeSwaye Posts: 23,179
    Swaye's Wigwam Solar Eclipse Donator 10000 Comments 250 Answers

    Reading this has made it abundantly clear how try hard white and slow strategy I am.

    You are the ying to my yang.

    Yeah but you probably have money and prospects. All I have is fun and women of low moral character. FSFL
    GrundleStiltzkinbackthepackYellowSnow
  • Pitchfork51Pitchfork51 Posts: 8,118
    Standard Supporter 5000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Up Votes
    Swaye said:

    Swaye said:

    Cosmopolitan was a smart move.

    It's about as close as it gets to a sure thing



    Anyway it's all a bunch of bullshit. Tell us how Disneyland really was

    And yes, Cosmo is the best. Not even close. I stay there every time. Tons of hot chicks, but not overcrowded at all. Fuck Caesars and the Bellagio and even Mandalay Bay. Can barely even move in those places. Cosmo is like a boutique casino, but super nice.
    Yeah I would advise any time someone wants to go to some bullshit club to just hang out at the cosmo instead.
    Save some dough and have like a 400 percent better chance of getting laid.
    Agreed. If you even have half decent game and you are there during summer months it's pretty much impossible not to get laid. When large packs of single women are roving around drinking in Vegas, they are not there to gamble. Probably the easiest place to get laid at in America*.

    *except Hondo

    400 percent of 0




    is still zero
    Swayedncbackthepack
  • YellowSnowYellowSnow Posts: 7,550
    Standard Supporter 5000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Awesomes

    Reading this has made it abundantly clear how try hard white and slow strategy I am.

    You are the ying to my yang.

    I hear ya. I feel like I could hang with Swaye no problem in a beer drinking competition or catching west slope cutties. Maybe even be a good wingman at the Cosmo because you can't teach height. But tattoos, coke and strip club employees are out of my comfort zone. No use in fighting it.
    SwayedncDoogCouricsbackthepack
  • UW_Doog_BotUW_Doog_Bot Posts: 1,319
    Swaye's Wigwam 250 Answers 1000 Comments 500 Up Votes
    Swaye said:

    Notes*

    • Have a bunch of family in Casper. Might be related to Crystal. If not, I'm sure one of my cousins has had to also settle for a sloppy blowie after a Jack in the Box combo meal. Possibly abundance.
    • Coeur d’alene is pretty much Aryan Nation. Smart move wearing a MAGA cap. That place is so white even square heads need to watch out.
    • Moab is the fucking shit as far as offroading. I have no doubt in 20 years they won't let people do all the stupid shit you can do there today. Get out there while the getting is good for those of you who haven't.
    • I slept under a table at the Cosmo once.
    I really regret not picking you up for the trip. Could have saved myself the cost of the combo meal AND you might have saved my phone.
    Plus we could have gone to Tijuana instead. It really would have made your Vegas trip seem like Disneyland.
    Swayebackthepack
  • Pitchfork51Pitchfork51 Posts: 8,118
    Standard Supporter 5000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Up Votes

    Swaye said:

    Notes*

    • Have a bunch of family in Casper. Might be related to Crystal. If not, I'm sure one of my cousins has had to also settle for a sloppy blowie after a Jack in the Box combo meal. Possibly abundance.
    • Coeur d’alene is pretty much Aryan Nation. Smart move wearing a MAGA cap. That place is so white even square heads need to watch out.
    • Moab is the fucking shit as far as offroading. I have no doubt in 20 years they won't let people do all the stupid shit you can do there today. Get out there while the getting is good for those of you who haven't.
    • I slept under a table at the Cosmo once.
    I really regret not picking you up for the trip. Could have saved myself the cost of the combo meal AND you might have saved my phone.
    Plus we could have gone to Tijuana instead. It really would have made your Vegas trip seem like Disneyland.
    Tijuana is just fucking gross
    SwayeUW_Doog_Botbackthepack
  • PurpleThrobberPurpleThrobber Posts: 10,126
    5000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Awesomes 500 Up Votes

    Notes*

    • Have a bunch of family in Casper. Might be related to Crystal. If not, I'm sure one of my cousins has had to also settle for a sloppy blowie after a Jack in the Box combo meal. Possibly abundance.
    • Coeur d’alene is pretty much Aryan Nation. Smart move wearing a MAGA cap. That place is so white even square heads need to watch out.
    • Moab is the fucking shit as far as offroading. I have no doubt in 20 years they won't let people do all the stupid shit you can do there today. Get out there while the getting is good for those of you who haven't.
    • I slept under a table at the Cosmo once.
    Hot Coeur d'Alene take in 1987.

    CDA is all rich Californians now. And Gretzky. And J-Lo and A-Rod:

    Outdoor life. #beautifulbackdrop

    A post shared by Alex Rodriguez (@arod) on

    backthepacksalemcoog
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